THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 3
Score: 7.4 / 10 
8: Sinead Loses His Bald Little Mind
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
So we open with a beautiful homage to the Joker scene in Batman, with The Replicant Rutger Hauer from several episodes back removing the bandages from his remodelled face so that he can be portrayed by a different actor.
Such is the extent of the plastic surgery that he is no longer thought of as The Replicant Rutger Hauer. He is now known as The Replicant Morgan Edge.
Anyway, Sinead shows up to offer his opinion on the plastic surgery (he's very impressed, BTW). Somehow (nobody's quite clear how) Sinead convinces the Replicant Morgan Edge to confess to murdering Sinead's Nanna and Pop.
The Replicant Morgan Edge agrees on the condition that his confession can be shot on a grainy webcam. Sinead just happens to have one handy, so this is done and Sinead takes it back to the mansion to edit on his iMac.
Sinead's security guard comes in, and one immediately thinks: Sinead has a security guard?? Since when? Isn't this the same Luthor who has all manner of kryptonite- irradiated mutants and/or nitwit teens wandering into his house for a chat/brutal attack whenever the urge strikes them?
But, yep, apparently, Sinead does have security. Just notably poor security.
How poor? Well, suddenly a team of ninja assassins climb through the roof and start shooting up the place in a desperate bid to get The Replicant Morgan Edge's testimony back. Apparently, somebody is unhappy with the rushes.
Sinead runs down the hallway and through a glass window straight into the opening credits.
And, oh yes, in the gunfight, Sinead's Security Guard has been shot dead. A fitting fate for one with such shoddy workmanship.
So the next morning, Superlad's heading up to the barn for some special 'alone time' when Sinead pokes his bald noggin out from behind a bale of hay.
"Oh, good God," says Superlad, redoing his fly and dropping the magazine in a muck-trough. "What are you doing here?"
"Somebody tried to kill me last night," says Sinead.
"Ouch," says Superlad. "That sucks."
Sinead appreciates Superlad's empathy and therefore invites him into his confidence.
"He's always been jealous of The Replicant Morgan Edge."
"I think my father is behind this. He's always been jealous of The Replicant Morgan Edge. Once he heard that TRME was starring in my short film, he went insane."
"Bummer," says Superlad, again revealing his inner depths.
Suddenly Bo pops his head up in the barn. Sinead hides again.
"There's chores to be done, boy," says Bo.
"I'm studying," lies Superlad, instantly and without shame.
"Yee...eees," says Bo, deeply suspicious of Superlad's morning 'alone times'. "Well, just make it quick, okay?"
"Will do," says Superlad, and salutes (as per Bo's detailed instructions).
"Hey," says Sinead. "Why don't you go get my student film from my safe."
"Good thinking," says Superlad. "If anybody asks why I'm there I'll just play dumb."
Sinead nods wisely. No doubt, he thinks.
So Superlad's off to the mansion. But nothing seems to have been broken! Huh, thinks Superlad. That's odd. Also, Sinead's student film is missing. Hmmm. And yet the window is completely unshattered. Far too confusing for this humble superpowered farm boy, so he heads back to the farm to ask Sinead to make this more comprehensible.
"That's not my role in the show," says Sinead. "You know that. Go speak to TIAC."
So off Superlad heads. TIAC explains how The Replicant Morgan Edge and Porthos killed Sinead's grandfolks lo those many years ago, and are now clearly responsible for the attempt on Sinead's life.
"Excellent exposition as ever," says Superlad. "Now, what's the next scene?"
TIAC consults her script. "Oooh," she says. "One starring Porthos."
And this is true. Porthos has shown up at the Kent Farm to explain how completely crazy Sinead has gone. "He's totally BRB--RBRBRR--BRBR," says Porthos, making the sound with his lips and finger.
Superlad segues into one of his ready batch of lies. He claims that the last time he saw Sinead was during a jazz tour of the marshlands.
Porthos doesn't buy it. "Well, if you see him, tell him I said 'hi'."
Back into the barn sneaks Superlad. "Hey, guess what?" says Superlad. "Porthos is telling everybody you're crazy."
"Shhh..." says Sinead. "Hush now. I'm singing to my baby."
The 'baby' is, of course, a bundle of rags.
Oooo-oookay then, thinks Superlad, backing away slowly. What's Porthos's number again?
So Superlad tells Bo and Boring Old Ma that Sinead is hiding in the barn, auditioning for American Idol.
"Oh my god," says Boring Old Ma. "He is crazy!"
"What worries me is this talk of The Replicant Morgan Edge," says Bo. "For one thing, what kind of a name is 'Morgan'? Sounds big-time bonkers to me. For another, remember that The Replicant Morgan Edge knows your secret and also that kryptonite is your weakness." He turns to the camera and gives a hearty thumbs up.
"Anyhow," says Boring Old Ma. "You know the house rules: No hanging out with bald millionarie lunatics."
"... singing to a bag full of rags and pretending it's a baby is ... a perfectly valid path to American Idol victory."
So Superlad decides to go off with Sinead and prove that singing to a bag full of rags and pretending it's a baby is not crazy and is, in fact, a perfectly valid path to American Idol victory.
First stop, a visit to Morgan Edge's warehouse of evil. Except, uh-oh, what's this? It's not a warehouse of evil at all. It's a perfectly normal everyday Nike sweatshop run by immigrant slave labour.
Sinead loses it and threatens a small, bespectacled worker. Superlad won't stand for the humiliation of a four-eyes. He doesn't really know why he feels so strongly about this but he drags Sinead away. He also adds another hash mark into the rapidly-filling 'Reasons Why Sinead Might Be Crazy' column.
Okay, says Sinead. Let's go back to the mansion. So off they go. Except, uh-oh, now his security guard is still alive! And, uh-oh some more, his shrink is here explaining that Sinead's crazy as a corn cob. Superlad adds a few more hash marks to that column, especially when Sinead pulls a gun and runs off.
Superlad catches up to him (rather easily as it turns out) and together they decide to go sleep in Lana's stables. Because, y'know, that's how one proves one's sanity - by sleeping in horse filth. Lana pops in to check on them, so Superlad tricks her into hanging out with Nutty Sinead while he ducks off for some more of that elusive 'alone time'.
This is a bad move (as you might expect) because Sinead goes all gibber-gibber again and runs off, but not before whispering to the horse that he (the horse) should stomp on Lana's head. Sinead may be crazy, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have total control over the animal kingdom.
Superlad takes her to hospital where she's diagnosed as being in an Equine-Induced Coma, a life-threatening condition apparently. Porthos rocks up to offer his opinion.
"Now, if you'd just told me where Sinead was, this wouldn't have happened, would it?" he says, smirking. He then makes an obscure literary reference to Don Quixote, which, as you might expect flies straight over the super-kiddie's head.
"Haw, you are," says Superlad, and runs off.
So somehow Superlad and Sinead both track down The Replicant Morgan Edge. Sinead tracks him down by getting into one of the more impressive Luthorian verbal stoushes. Superlad wisely eschews verbal stoushes and simply beats the snot out of Sinead's Security Guard until he confesses that he's been spiking Sinead's bourbon with crazy juice. And that, um, therefore, Superlad should go fight TRME.
So there's a fight. TRME uses a pair of kryptonite knuckles to knock Superlad down, but then Sinead shoots TRME, but then TRME gets better and tries to run Sinead down with his car but then Superlad jumps in front of the car, smashing the front of it to shreds right before Sinead's startled and crazy eyes.
Well, that's enough to drive Sinead completely over the deep end. "I was right about you all along!" he says. "You are superhuman."
"Ummm... later!" says Superlad, and runs off as fast as his Kryptonian legs can take him.
So, of course, it's Porthos victorious as he locks Sinead in an insane asylum where he rocks slowly back and forth, singing crazy tunes about how right he was about Superlad's vast array of powers.
Well, advantage Porthos, one would have to conclude.
Oh yes, and Lana gets better just long enough to tell Superlad that she's come to the conclusion that life is too dangerous when Superlad's around, so he should butt out from now on. And he can take that stinking horse with him.
Excellent, if highly implausible stuff all round. Looking forward to seeing how Sinead busts out of his asylum and what madcap vengeance he might wreak once he does so.
Next Week: Sinead busts out of his asylum and wreaks madcap vengeance.
Begone,
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