THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 3
Score: 7.7 / 10 
7: They Don't Call It The Superego For Nothing
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
We open, with more than a modicum of good sense, at the Smallville Fair. Lana and TIAC are there, riding rollercoasters, listening to terrible bands and inviting rumours of lesbianism.
At one point, they go to one of those hustling booths where they attempt to win an impossible prize by shooting water pistols at, I dunno, Iraqis or something. The hustling booth is run by a young hustler who attends Smallville High. I didn't catch his name - something like Pol Krinn - but you'll never guess what prepositional state he adopts on the notion of love with Lana. Yes, that's right: in.
So, despite the prize being impossible to win, he gives Lana a prize anyway. A kryptonite snow globe of some kind. Y'know, to commemorate the meteor shower that killed Lana's parents. Smooth, Pol. Smooth. Alas, this blatant disregard for the rules of the game irritates another contestant who has a shaven head, a tattoo saying 'Nuke The Whales' and (apparently) an overdeveloped sense of fairground fair play.
There's an impromptu fight and Pol gets knocked to the ground, head cut open by the smashed Kryptonite snow globe, particles of which enter his brain. Generally not good, I'd imagine.
Off to Smallville Hospital with him. "Hmmm..." says Dr PoorReasoning. "Kryptonite fragments in the brain. I say we shoot this kid full of magnetic rays." Which they do. The MRI explodes (obviously) and Pol Krinn becomes The Magnetic Kid.
He immediately takes a vow. "I must use these powers only for the good of humanity."
No, of course he doesnn't. Where's the fun in that?
Over to Luthor Mansion and Sinead has some retired cop looking into Porthos's early shenanigans. Retired Cop tells Sinead that TIAC's also investigatin' Porthos's antics.
Sinead baldens his brow in mighty thought.
Back to the hospital. Lana and Superlad have dropped in to visit The Magnetic Kid.
"How you going?" says Superlad.
"Good. Hey, look, shut up," says Magnetic Kid. "You, Lana, wanna go out on a date?"
"I don't think so," says Lana, because rejection of the Kryptonite-afflicted is a way of life with her.
But then Magnetic Kid grabs her hand and she changes her mind and agrees.
As far as iotas go, Superlad likes this not one. They leave.
"You're not upset that I'm going on a date with Magnetic Kid, are you?" asks Lana.
"Pfffrrrt... no," says Superlad. "As if."
"Good, because we're not dating any more."
"... he's probably just using his magnetic powers to alter your mind somehow."
"Yes, I know," says Superlad, irritably. "Look, he's probably just using his magnetic powers to alter your mind somehow."
Which is right, of course, but surely the most brazen outburst of egomania ever seen by a superpowered being on network television since, I dunno, since Dave Letterman hosted the Oscars.
Over to the school, where Sinead has shown up to see TIAC.
"Hey, Sinead," says TIAC. "Superlad's not here."
"I was looking for you," says Sinead.
"Yuh," says TIAC. "Right." Sinead's not foolin' anybody.
"No, seriously. Why are you checking out the early antics of Porthos?"
"Oh, I'm just writing a story on the history of evil."
"Okay, then," says Sinead. His bald brow turns all serious. "But don't get too messed up in the past of Porthos. He's an evil, hairy man."
"So I should change the story to the history of evil and hair?" says TIAC, gloriously missing Sinead's point.
Sinead ignores her and moseys away.
Over to The Death Claw and Lana goes out on her date with Magnetic Kid. At first she was planning to tell him the date was off (because it's always funny to be a tease to potential supervillains), but then he touched her hand and clouded her mind with magnetism again (I dunno, TIAC explains how this works later - something to do with a metal plate in Lana's skull) and she said 'you betcha'.
So for the date they're off to the now-abandoned fair. Magnetic Kid is not ashamed of using his powers so he breaks in and runs the ferris wheel using only the magnetic rays that emanate from his fingertips.
Stalkerlad has followed the two of them to the fair where he keeps a suspicious eye on Magnetic Kid and his smooth, magnetic moves.
"Am I scaring you with my overt display of superpowers?" asks Magnetic Kid.
"Not at all," says Lana. "I wish more young gentlemen callers had the strength and wherewithal of character to admit to their dangerous inhuman state." Subtle message, huh, kids?
"Thanks for not thinking I'm a freak," says Magnetic Kid.
"Oh, I think you're a freak," says Lana. "Just one I'm falling in love with..."
They pash atop the ferris wheel. Superlad fails to approve of this. He spins the ferris wheel back to ground.
"Your mind is being taken over by his magnetic powers," says Superlad. "Don't trust him."
"Yo, Egolad," says Lana. "What are you doing here?"
"I, um, heard screaming?"
"Did you follow us here? Are you stalking me?" says Lana.
"Well..." says Superlad. "That's certainly how the courts would look at it, yes. But--"
"'Talk to the hand!' says Lana ..."
"Talk to the hand!" says Lana, and she and Magnetic Kid head off.
Superlad continues to cling to his highly improbable theory that Lana couldn't really love somebody else, but must instead be suffering from mind-control. He confronts Magnetic Kid about it, tells Good Ol' Pete and TIAC and everybody pretty much says 'Dude, get over your superself.'
So, fed up with Superlad's insane stalking, Magnetic Kid and Lana decide to leave town. Magnetic Kid hotwires a random Smallville Ferrari, Lana steals money from The Death Claw cash register. (Sinead sees her doing this and says "Lana, wassup?". Lana: "Shareholder dividend?" Sinead: "I don't recall a board meeting. But, whatever." And after Lana leaves, he fills his pockets too, but then calls the Lazy Smallville Cops.)
Sinead must have something on the Lazy Smallville Cops because for once they spring into action and give chase. Superlad assists by burning the road into its constituent tar, trapping the Ferrari (which foolishly didn't come with anti-tar brakes). Lana is captured by the Lazy Smallville Cops but Magnetic Kid attaches himself to a passing refrigerator delivery truck and disappears.
While all this has been going on, Sinead's grizzly retired cop walks in and steals TIAC's iMac, right in front of her startled eyes. Then, shortly after, is found dead. Sinead shows TIAC the body.
"See what happens when people cross Porthos," he says.
TIAC looks from side-to-side... "Um, yes," she says. "Cross Porthos. Yes, that's what happened to him."
She looks from side to side again. Nobody steals TIAC's computer.
Magnetic Kid sneaks back to prison where he busts Lana out. They head back to the fair (because that's the only new set that's been built this week) and Superlad shows up. Lana pulls a gun on him.
"Enough with the stalking already!!" she screams. And fair enough, too.
"Good gunwork," says Magnetic Kid. He takes it from her hand with the aid of the Earth's magnetic field. "Now, get the Dodgem Cars ready. I'll deal with Superlad."
Lana runs off. There's a big fight.
"You can't defeat Physics," says Magnetic Kid.
"Neither can you," says Superlad. And hurls a Physics textbook at his head, knocking him into a passing electromagnetic generator which kills him. Hahaha! No, doesn't kill him. Removes his powers, unblocks Lana's mind and sends him into a coma. That'll teach him to date Superlad's chick.
And that's that. TIAC and Sinead agree to team up in their investigation of Porthos. Lana and Superlad make vows to one another about trying to limit their stalking/falling in love with mind-altering monsters behaviour.
A perfectly sensible episode. I'm enjoying Superlad's rampant egomania. After all, if you had such a diverse array of superpowers could you imagine women falling for anyone else? Of course not.
Next Week: Sinead gets locked in a mental asylum. Because he's just plumb loco, apparently!
Begone,
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