THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 3
Score: 7.1 / 10 
6: You Can't Spell Smallville Without 'Vile'
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
Sigh.
I mean, really... what's all this then? I know it's almost a teen soap tradition to have some Back To The Future 3 type episode, where the modern day characters play long-lost relatives of previous generations who had seemingly significant relationships together also and for it to be a poignant parallel journey that teaches us all a valuable lesson for the characters of today.
But that doesn't mean I have to like it.
And by the twin moons of Krypton I emphatically do not.
There was one good thing about this episode: Lana sported an extremely cute 1960s hairdo, a description of which I daren't offer, given my shameful lack of hairstyling nous.
There was also one bad thing about this episode: Everything else. I know this is, strictly speaking, more than one thing, but I was too cross to count any higher.
But as an officially sanctioned Chronicler of Smallville I am left with no choice but to relay the events of this given episode in at least some semblance of detail.
So here goes: Lana's great-uncle is on his deathbed. He was convicted forty years ago of murdering Lana's great aunt. Of course, nobody ever convicted of murder is actually guilty of it so it follows logically that somebody else did it. Great-Uncle claims it was somebody who looks uncannily like Superlad. Lana tells Superlad about this. Superlad concludes it must have been the SS Jor-El. So he goes back to the bloody caves where he sticks his hand in the wall and receives as a prize a Kryptonian medallion.
"...Superlad (and, via him, the despairing viewer) gets a little recap of what happened in 1961 ..."
Aaa-aanyway... it just so happens that while Superlad has this medallion and touches things that the SS Jor-El once touched, Superlad (and, via him, the despairing viewer) gets a little recap of what happened in 1961 which was when the SS Jor-El had been in Smallville wandering around in human form. Until now, 1961 has been most famous for being the last year that was the same both upside-down and right-side up. But Superlad's fevered visions also fill us in on the other exciting 1961 event - namely the romance of the SS Jor-El (played by Superlad) and Lana's Great Aunt (played by Lana and a wig). Tragically, their little tryst was terminated by gunplay from (you'll never guess...) Lachlan Luthor (Sinead's grandfather). The SS Jor-El was then ushered out of town by, um, oh I suppose it must be... anybody?... that's right, Bo's father.
Furthermore, if this 1961 gibberish was insufficiently interesting to hold the modern viewer's attention, it also turns out that the other guilty party, the one that hired Grampa Luthor to commit this heinous crime was none other than the modern day mayor of Smallville, who at the time was a mere Lazy Smallville Cop with a vision of something big and an understandable lust for Lana's great-aunt. But the Lazy Ex-Smallville Cop, Now Corrupt Smallville Mayor eventually confesses to his long-forgotten crimes. Why? Well, obviously because Superlad dresses up and pretends to be the ghost of the SS Jor-El.
And that is that. Now, does anybody really need me to delve any deeper into this shambles of an episode?
I thought not.
"... Grampa and Nanna Luthor both died in one of those pesky tenement explosions."
Oh, but here's another good bit. While probing Porthos about Grampa Luthor's oh-so-shady past, Sinead discovers that Grampa and Nanna Luthor both died in one of those pesky tenement explosions.
Cue very funny Luthorian scene:
"Wow, Porthos," begins Sinead. "I'm surprised you didn't seek vengeance for the murder of your parents."
"Well, Sinead. I didn't have the resources."
"Oh, sure," continues Sinead. "Then you didn't. But what about the last, oh, thirty years. Passing up an opportunity for vengeance doesn't seem at all you."
"Well, what's the point, Sinead? It won't bring them back."
"But, surely it would provide some closure to your tragic loss."
Porthos glowers. "Yes, you're right. Sinead. I have been trying to forget this tragic episode from our familial past. I see now that we shall never move on until we capture the true killer of my parents."
"Yes," agrees Sinead, smirking.
"Okay then," says Porthos. And they glower in unison.
Now, at this point, a lesser, hairier, individual might have cracked and said "Porthos, you killed them. I know it, you know it. The entire viewing audience knows it. Enough with your shenanigans." But not Sinead. He keeps an impressively straight face beneath that bald scalp of his and drifts off, allowing the next scene to air.
Which, as I recall, was some nonsense about the SS Jor-El flying back to Krypton to introduce his planet to the miracle of Brylcream.
So you see, the Luthors remain a small oasis in an otherwise craptastic episode. I give this episode 2 (out of 13) and look very forward to the next episode which can't be any worse, what with Sinead and TIAC teaming up to take down Porthos and so forth.
Begone,
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