THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 3
Score: 7.2 / 10 
5: A Perry For Your Thoughts
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
I have long maintained that any given television show can be improved immeasurably by the introduction of a drunken guest star wandering all over the place claiming that the lead character has powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. In the past this has worked for shows as diverse as Cheers and The West Wing. Let's see how it goes for Smallville, huh?
We'll get to the alcoholic antics of a certain Mr Perry White shortly but for now we need to pay attention to a news bulletin that assures us there have been "large scale, like really humongous, solar flares breaking out on the sun due to some damn thing and that this strange solar activity may result in peculiar superpower fluctuations for beings who are powered by the yellow rays of the Earth's sun--" Superlad flicks this off because it's time for Richard Mercer's Love Song Dedications, which he never misses.
Then Superlad's off for one of his early morning jogs. Who should he bump into but the previously discussed Perry White. PW's just been kicked out of a bar for being the drunkenest man alive. Perfect qualifications I would have thought for remaining in the bar. But I'm no Careers Guidance Officer, so what do I know? Anyway, Superlad's superspeed conks out, Perry drunkenly sees him and runs his car into a pole.
That bit of fun done with, Superlad heads back to the barn where he starts building yet another fence. Bo loves his fences.
But once again solar flares kick in and Superlad gets a little bit too strong and pounds one of the fence palings deep into the ground.
"Stop mucking about, Superlad," says Bo. "You can waste time pounding poles deep into the earth with your friends later. Right now you're still on chore o'clock, mister."
Then Perry shows up, still drunk, but asking all kinds of odd questions about Superlad's superpowers. Y'know, like "does he have any?"
Bo and Superlad laugh heartily and unconvincingly at this. "Get outta here, ya drunk old sod," says Bo, pucnhing him gently on the shoulder. "Yeah," adds the ever-imaginative Superlad. He adds his own punch and nearly breaks Perry's collarbone.
Enough of that. We're now off to Luthor Mansion where Sinead is being grilled by his new shrink.
"Tell me about your mother," says Wily Old Shrink.
"My mother died before the show even began."
"And how does this make you feel?"
"Bald."
"She rubs her beard in thought."
Wily Old Shrink frowns. How can she get Sinead to open up to her? She rubs her beard in thought. (She doesn't have a beard which, perhaps, explains her low psychaitric success rate.)
Over to The Death Claw where PW has shown up and drunkenly started to make Lana cry. Something about TIAC being cuter than her. "That's a lie and you know it!!" screams Lana.
"Is it, Lana?" says PW. "Is it??"
"Look at me..." screams Lana, furiously.
PW wanders off. His random drunken work is done again. So let's see, who else in the cast can he bug with his annoying inebriated ramblings?
Of course! TIAC!
He wanders over to visit TIAC and tell her that the previous scene was founded on an obvious and regrettable mistruth.
TIAC nods. She knows. She then explains to Superlad the history of PW. "He was once a famous journalist who fell on hard times and is now just a tabloid hack."
"That's right," says PW. "Your ability to exposit backstory is excellent, young lady. Now, where am I supposed to be off to next? I seem to have spilled sherry down my script."
TIAC grabs it back. "That's my script," she says.
Anyway, while they sort that out we're all off to the Luthor Mansion again where Lana has decided to tell Sinead (?) about PW.
Sinead is busily meditating but agrees to put a stop to his quest for oneness with the universe and make time for Lana's inane ramblings.
"Perry White is bugging me," says Lana.
Sinead raises his almighty eyebrows. "And?" he says.
"I was hoping you might have some backstory," says Lana.
"Yes I do," says Sinead. "Y'see, Perry White was ruined when he tried to do a story on Porthos. He challenged Porthos to a duel at dawn, but on the day of the swordfight, Porthos had to pull out with lice and I took his place and defeated Perry. So you see, I never should have invested in The Death Claw."
Lana wanders off.
PW has decided that if they can't work out what scene he's going to be in next, he's going to get wasted in a pub until they manage to do so. Superlad wanders in and says "PW, stop bugging my friends with your soused mutterings."
"I will if you will," says PW.
"Que?" says Superlad.
Then Sinead shows up bathed in white light as if he was an avenging angel of evil. Or, indeed, a beautifully back-lit bald man. Either way he drives PW to the edge of town and kicks him out, before roaring off stylishly in his Porsche.
Back to the farm and Bo's getting Superlad to lift the tractor. No real reason, Bo just gets a kick out of never having to use a jack.
Supoerlad tries to lift it, but uh-oh. Those wacky solar flares again. He's too weak. He tries one more time and, kapow! Those solar flares have made him superstronger than usual and he accidentally throws the tractor over his head. It lands right in front of the drunken PW.
"We'll get to the flying tractor when we're good and ready ..."
The Lazy Smallville Cops show up. They're not particularly interested in the tractor being hurled about. They're still trying to piece together the mystery of Lana's cloned friend from last season. "We'll get to the flying tractor when we're good and ready, Mr Perry White," they say.
But PW is still intrigued. He wanders back in town and starts badgering TIAC again.
"TIAC," he says. "You're a very odd young woman. What do you think of Superlad?"
"His pecs make me swoon," says TIAC.
"Yes, but do you think he's the last survivor of the planet Krypton?"
"You're saying what, now?" says TIAC.
So what happens then?
Good Ol' Pete deigns to show up. He and Bo and Superlad decide that solar flares are probably causing all the superpower problems. "Didn't we establish that in the opening scene?" asks Superlad. "Enough of your lip," says Bo.
Sinead fails his psych test. Wily Old Shrink gives him a D minus. Sinead is furious! He studied extra hard for that test and he had been assured that it was going to be multiple choice and then suddenly it was in essay form. "Is that fair??" he says. "Of course not," says Wily Old Shrink. "Your deduction that it's unfair means that you have, indeed, passed. Assuming you don't fail the make-up test next week." "Huh??" says Sinead, and we all feel for him.
PW starts filming a story about the Kents and their superpowered son. Superlad has been careless enough to dash around at superspeed in front of PW (again!) and PW has also tried to gather further evidence from Sinead ("Sinead," he said. "If you tell me about Superlad, I'll give you evidence of Porthos's criminal ways." "No dice, Chicago!" says Sinead).
Bo then drives off like the maniacal Duke brother he is, zooming around in the Brigadier Lee. Boring Old Ma's contribution? She yelled out "No, Superlad, come back!" which at first we think is insane because isn't it awfully creepy for a mother to mistake her son for her husband but then, when PW follows Bo and Superlad and Good Ol' Pete sneak out the back way, we realise that Boring Old Ma has been part of a plan that's as cunning as anything we've seen since... oh, since the climax of Dodgeball.
Superlad and Good Ol' Pete head off to the woods to camp out for a few days. Suddenly, PW appears, threatening to bungee jump off a cliff unless Superlad uses his superpowers to stop him. But, oh no! Those cursed solar flares again and Superlad and PW both tumble over the side. Good Ol' Pete gets a rope from the truck and pulls them up. But what's this? Superlad has rope burns. "Clearly," says PW. "Despite all the previous evidence of superhumanity you have exhibited, these rope burns offer irrefutable proof that you have no more superpowers than the next man." Superlad looks hurriedly beside him. Phew! It's Good Ol' Pete. For a second, he thought that the next man might have been Captain America or something.
And that's all. Perry gets on a bus to Metropolis vowing to conquer the Daily Planet and all it stands for. He's also decided to stop being an alcoholic, because really, isn't that all it takes, drunkards? "Who knows," says PW. "Maybe one day you'll come work for me as an up-and-coming young reporter." "Pshaw!" says Superlad. "You and your drunken foreshadowing."
A perfectly passable kind of episode. It's always a bit of fun when one of the future supporting cast members of the Superman legend show up. Especially when they're as inebriated as an oil tanker captain.
Next week: It's Titano the Super-Ape! And boy, is he toasted!
Begone,
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