THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 3
Score: 7.5 / 10 
3: Good Freak Hunting
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
We begin, sanely enough, at Smallville High. A couple of dudowskis are chillin' out. One of them is hot for Lana. The other is dismissive of his friend's chances.
Hot For Lana doesn't care what Realistic Friend thinks. He goes up and says "Hi."
Lana's response: "Hi!"
This thrilling banter done with, we move to a completely new scene. Lana, as she does every Tuesday afternoon, is swimming laps in a deserted spooky swimming pool.
It immediately follows, therefore, that Hot For Lana is breathing underwater beneath her. Because, why not? He also decides that the best way to express his love for Lana is to drown her. Apparently he recently read Hamlet and got completely the wrong end of the Ophelia stick.
Before he can succeed with the Lana-drowning, however, he's shot by a sniper. Again, why not? From what I've gathered, this kind of thing happens regularly at most high schools in the US.
Opening credits.
So it's the next day and Good Ol' Pete and Superlad and TIAC are discussing this latest attack on Lana's form. TIAC thinks, obviously enough, that Hot For Lana was able to breathe underwater. Because she was paying attention earlier.
Superlad, who had been busy instead using his heat vision to scare the cows, requires further convincing and so TIAC eventually shows him her computer files, with a full list of the weirdos who she suspects to have been mutated by Green K.
Superlad peers closely at it. "This is just the Smallville White Pages," he eventually concludes.
TIAC shrugs. Ain't her fault she lives in Freak Town, Kansas.
Superlad is also insanely jealous of Mysterious Sniper. He has his carefully staked out Lana-rescuin' turf and he'll be damned if anybody else is gonna horn in on it.
Over to Metropolis and Sinead and Porthos are discussing their new relationship as business partners. Porthos wants Sinead to have life insurance.
Sinead's eyes balden suspiciously.
"You seem reluctant to sign," says Porthos.
"Maybe..."
"There's nothing sinister about this, Sinead. You're simply a corporate asset we need to protect."
Oh Porthos - you big softie you.
Back in Smallville and Superlad has cornered Lana at The Death Claw and got her to finger Realistic Friend. She did so, and then turned her thermostat down to zero with just a chilling glare.
TIAC comes in and explains how Hot For Lana had gills.
"... he makes a cuckoo motion with his ringer and forehead."
"Of course he did," says Superlad. "This is how he breathed underwater! Duh!!" And he makes a cuckoo motion with his ringer and forehead.
TIAC is exasperated. "I know, you idiot. I told you that, remember?"
"Yes," says Superlad. "And don't you feel embarrassed that you've forgotten so soon?" He smiles superiorly.
"But I didn't," begins TIAC, before Superlad silences her with a paternal beam and an index finger to her lips.
"Besides," says Superlad. "I'm more concerned about this sniper."
"Yes, well I'm not," says Lana. And goes onto a rant about all the people who've tried to kill her over the past couple of seasons - Bug Boy, Morph Lass, Bee Girl, etc.
Superlad is once more bemused. Did he not give this same speech to Lana last episode? Weird-o-rama.
Lana also implies that Superlad is no different to Mysterious Sniper. Superlad doesn't know about that. For one thing, can Mysterious Sniper run around at superspeed like a maniac??
Anyway, Superlad's become fed up with chicks and their irrational adoration of the gun-wielding. He teams up with Good Ol' Pete and deduces that Mysterious Sniper is, in reality, Realistic Friend. This is not so hard, as, let's face it, he's the only other new character in this episode.
Also, it turns out that Mysterious Sniper's Dad was killed by Morph Lass. Ergo, Mysterious Sniper has decided that it is only common sense to kill all people who have been Infected by Kryptonite - a part revenge-scheme, part clean up the neighbourhood.
So Superlad and Good Ol' Pete head off to Mysterious Sniper's cabin in the woods. Y'know, the one that contains all the evidence of Mysterious Sniper's insane Freak Hunt.
"Look at all these guns!!" says Superlad.
"Yo, S!" says Good Ol' Pete. "Issa huntin' cabin! Whatchu 'xpect?" Superlad glares hatefully at him.
"Yes, but this is an arsenal."
Good Ol' Pete tries to make a Premier League soccer reference, but aborts on the grounds that it's far too complex and obscure.
Oh yes, and the words 'Die Freaks' are also scrawled on the walls in green paint and the pictures of several aforementioned freaks hang on the walls with their faces covered by green 'X's.
Superlad looks at Good Ol' Pete. "Now do you believe?"
"It could be a coincidence," says Good Ol' Pete.
But then we see that Sinead's photo's on the wall. So Superlad runs to Metropolis where he pushes Sinead down and catches a bullet heading straight for his bald noggin.
"Hey, Superlad," says Sinead.
"Hey," says Superlad. "Gotta dash."
And he runs off and tackles Mysterious Sniper. Mysterious Sniper has now concluded that Superlad is, himself, a freak. Not a bad assumption given the evidence available. He also discovers Superlad's vulnerability to Kryptonite. Because, y'know, the coughing up blood and stuff. He runs off.
Superlad gets back up a little bit later and goes to have a chat with Sinead.
"Why would anybody try to kill lovable old me??" says Sinead.
"I know this is going to sound weird," says Superlad. "But Mysterious Sniper is convinced that the meteor rocks have altered people and given them unusual powers. He's hunting them."
"... it is the fundamental premise of the show."
"That does sound odd," agrees Sinead. "But, OTOH, it is the fundamental premise of the show." He pauses, looks at the camera, and then looks hurriedly away. "Superlad, the only abilities I have are playing the market, falling for the wrong women and being almost inhumanly stylish."
Superlad can't argue with that, so instead runs home to Smallville.
What happens then?
TIAC works out that Mysterious Sniper is also a super-hacker of much acclaim and that he has broken into her files and got a hitlist of freaks to gun down without fear or favour. "This is all my fault!" says TIAC. "More or less," agrees Superlad.
Mysterious Sniper makes a Kryptonite Bullet and takes a shot at Superlad on the farm. Superlad tries to catch it - but no dice! The bullet tears through his hand and into his shoulder. Superlad falls to the ground, squealing like a girl.
Bo is distraught about this. Superlad hadn't even begun his daily chores and Bo will be damned if he's going to muck out the pig slop himself. He therefore reaches in to Superlad's shoulder with some chopsticks and plucks the bullet out. Superlad's shoulder super-cures itself. The Lazy Smallville Cops are at the door in a flash. "Is Superlad okay?" asks the cops. "Sure am," says Superlad. "Rumour has it you were shot." "Yes, well there are a lot of rumours about these days." says Bo, mysteriously. "Such as?" asks the cops. Bo whispers in their ear. "Re-eally?? With a gerbil??" they say, and scurry off.
Sinead talks to Porthos and decides that he's apparently invulnerable to all manner of things - meteor showers, car crashes, plane crashes. But is he invulnerable to the piercing blue eyes of Superlad? Only time will tell...
Lana talks to Superlad and offers her opinion that life would just be so much better if the meteor shower had never happened. "OH!!" OH!!!" says Superlad. "So you wish I'd never rocketed to Earth from the exploding planet, Krypton, do you??!?! Fine! Next time I won't." And he runs off crying. Lana looks after him, baffled. But then she's kidnapped by Mysterious Sniper.
So finally Superlad is left with no choice but to go to Lana's rescue again. He has a bit of biffo with Mysterious Sniper and drives him insane. Or some damn thing. The point is, he wore a bulletproof vest made out of lead, which is clever, especially when dealing with snipers who don't shoot you in the head. Also, Lana is now apparently a karate expert who can defeat even armed snipers while her hands are tied up. Of course, she doesn't bother to do so until Superlad's been shot in the vested chest. Because that's the kind of chick she is.
And that is essentially that. Porthos sneaks in and makes grave threats to TIAC. "If you ever have files stolen from your computer that lead to Sinead being shot at by a deranged sniper whose father was murdered by a morphing girl, driven insane with lesbian lust for Lana, then we'll have to have a good talking-to, you and I." A reasonably interesting episode all things considered. Of course, the most promising aspect is the possibility that Sinead believes himself to be super-invulnerable. Now, there's a notion that's destined to lead places...
Next week: Superlad and Lana go skinnydipping.
Begone,
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