THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 3
Score: 7.2 / 10 
22: The Odd Father
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
It's season finale time! And what better way to celebrate than with a mysterious lass emerging from nowhere and destroying a random car with her super-powered fistitudes.
Having demonstrated her might, Superlass moves onto the Kent farm.
"Hey," says Bo. "Wassup?" For by now he is used to hot chicks wandering onto the farm dressed in little more than a petticoat. He is, after all, raising a handsome and buff young teen.
"I'm Superlass," says Superlass. "From the Planet Krypton."
"You'll be wanting to see my son then," says Bo, sharp as ebony.
So they all sit around the kitchen table and discuss the situation. Superlad wants to know more about Krypton, Boring Old Ma is very insistent on bedding and tea-drinking arrangements and Bo is, of course, concerned that somebody will find out about Superlass's abilities.
"So, Superlad, let's go down to the caves and through a magical passageway," says Superlass.
"Hey," says Bo. "Let's instead see some proof of your outlandish claims." Oh Bo, ye of little faith in hot babes...
Sinead pops in, interrupts and order Superlad to testify against Porthos. Of course, he does that in the usual sublime fashion, namely without a skerrick of command in his voice whatsoever. He instead coldly and efficiently manipulates Superlad into doing his bidding via subtle emotional threats and vagaries.
There's still a bit of tension between the guys, though, especially when Superlad explains to Sinead how he did nothing to stop Porthos's brain-burning experiments on Sinead back at the nuthouse.
Sinead roars off and Superlass emerges. "Hey," she says. "By the end of this episode all your Earthling friends and family will betray you. Now, let's go flying."
"Okay," says Superlad. And up they shoot. They fly over to those damn caves, where Superlass reveals that the SS Jor-El is behind all of this nonsense.
"There's always a catch with the hot chicks, isn't there?"
Oh, sure, thinks Superlad. There's always a catch with the hot chicks, isn't there? Working for the SS Jor-El, tendency to turn into werewolves, boring as batshit.
Speaking of Lana, she's off to Paris. She pops over to visit Superlad and order him to drive her to the airport tomorrow and reveal any important secrets he needs to tell her. But then she spies Superlass, gets jealous and says 'fine, I'll do it myself!'
"You'll tell secrets to yourself??" says Superlad.
But Lana has earrings to pack and so is off.
Sinead visits jail to mock Porthos.
"Hey, Porthos," says Sinead. "I mock you and your prison uniform."
"That's all well and good," shoots back Porthos. "But I am dying of a degenerative liver disease."
"Bummer..." says Sinead, with genuine empathy. "Is it hereditary?"
And on that zinger, he saunters merrily out.
Back at the Kent Farm, Superlass has revealed that Bo's deal with the SS Jor-El from way back in the first episode of the season involved Bo getting kick-ass superpowers for a rumble with Superlad in exchange for giving Superlad to the SS Jor-El in the season finale.
"No!" wails Boring Old Ma, tediously.
"I didn't realise it would be so soon," says Bo.
"Dude," says Superlad. "You know how long a television season lasts..."
"Enough of that," says Superlass. "I have to run outside and zap an eavesdropping FBI agent into nothingness."
And she does. ("No!" says Boring Old Ma.)
But she then explains to Superlad how she and he are the last two (good-looking) survivors of the Kryptonian race and so they should head into the caves and start shagging senselessly.
Superlad can see the logic behind this, but is distracted by a mail delivery boy who hands over a package from Porthos. The package contains a key, which seems to be a waste - keys fit into envelopes, Porthos!
Meanwhile, over at the mansion, Sinead is trying to scare TIAC for no clear reason. "You realise that if you testify against Porthos, you'll almost certainly be hunted down and slaughtered by one of his minions," he says.
"But the FBI guaranteed our safety!" says TIAC.
They look at one another before bursting into laughter.
"Ah, screw it," says TIAC. "I'll testify anyway."
Over to the prison and Superlad's there for a visit.
"What's this?" says Superlad.
"Well, it's a key, isn't it?" says Porthos, exasperated as ever by the Kryptonian's dimmer switch. "Look," he continues. "Just go to the third door on your left in the west wing of Luthor mansion. Use the key and see what you see."
"Well, okay then," says Superlad.
"Turns out the key unlocks the door to Sinead's Shrine O' Superlad.
And he does. The Luthor Mansion security is up to its usual standards so Superlad can just wander in and look around. Turns out the key unlocks the door to Sinead's Shrine O' Superlad.
Superlad wanders around the room, admiring all the photos of himself and his cheekbones, along with the computer simulations and extrapolations all based around him and his anatomy.
"Y'know," says Sinead, wandering into the room, coolly. "I can see why you'd think this was all about you."
He says this perfectly straight-faced, which you have to admit is rather the feat. He tries to continue on in this vein but it's not working. Even Superlad can see through this one. He storms out and goes back to Boring Old Ma.
"Hey," he says. "Maybe now Sinead has built a shrine to me, that means my work here is done. Maybe I should join Superlass for the shag-a-thon in the back of the caves." Superlad, striving hard for a rationale.
"Um," says Boring Old Ma. "Why don't you suddenly remember you haven't said goodbye to Lana at the airport instead?"
"Oh, bloody hell," says Superlad.
Off he shoots, but Sinead has beaten him to the Lana airport goodbyes so Superlad instead drops a flower in slow motion (one of the more under-used of Kryptonian powers).
Then he's back in the courtroom to testify against Porthos.
"Thanks for coming," says Sinead.
"I'm doing it for truth and justice," says Superlad. "Not for you. Possibly for the American Way also." Sinead's bald brow furrows in confusion. "This friendship is over!!" continues Superlad, angrily.
Hmm, thinks Sinead. Perhaps it is time to get some friends in his same age and income bracket anyway.
Superlad testifies off-camera to save time and then heads down to the caves with Superlass for the proposed shag-a-lympics. Before they can get down to it, however, Bo shows up with a teacup.
At first, you might think 'strange choice of weapon to combat the combined forces of Krypton' but then you weren't paying attention during an earlier scene where Bo insisted TIAC dust the teacup for Superlass's fingerprints.
"Wait!" says Bo. "This woman isn't Superlass at all. It's Linda Danvers. She was driving with her mother on the day of..." He consults TIAC's script. "Um, on the day of the meteor showers. Yes, that's right. Also, she's just a human who... oh, look, this is silly. I don't know how TIAC does this every week." He throws the script away in disgust.
But then the SS Jor-El disintegrates Superlass and starts throttling Bo with CGI effects. "Come into the caves," says the SS Jor-El to Superlad. "Or I'll strangle Bo to death."
"I've lived a full life, both as a Duke brother and a Kent," says Bo, between clutches of the CGI. "Don't do as he says." Boy, Bo. Way to be idiotically heroic.
But Superlad doesn't listen and runs into the Kryptonian cavelights, thereby extinguishing the strangling special effects around Bo's neck.
And we end, as all good season finales must, with a tribute to the closing scenes of The Godfather. Although, instead of a christening, scenes of Porthos's triumphant defeat of all his enemies are intercut with a haircut. Which works just as well. Take that, Coppola! Sinead is poisoned, TIAC is exploded, Bo is comatose, Superlad is disappeareded and Boring Old Ma notes ("No!!") that the rayon crops have had the kryptonian symbol for 'Losers' burnt into them.
"Thank you," says Porthos, now bald, but still the coolest person on the show.
A perfectly acceptable season finale. I'd be happy to end it all there. An overwhelming Porthos victory is a turn of events I'm more than happy with. Instead, I'll almost certainly pick things up next season when everybody will no doubt come back to life.
Begone,
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