THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 3
Score: 7.4 / 10 
18: Honesty Is Such A Lonely Word
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
It turns out that TIAC's latest way of spending a lazy evening in Smallville is to break into one of the Luthor plants and run amok.
So she does so. A few security guards see her and start chasing her.
"Beep, beep," says TIAC, and disappears leaving behind only a puff of smoke.
"There she is!!" shout another couple of security guards.
"Beep, beep."
And there's chasing and alarms and traps from Acme, and eventually TIAC runs into a secret room, doing an Indiana Jones slide under a closing door, where she is sprayed by some secret kryptonite gas.
Then there's the opening credits, during which time TIAC slowly bops her way out of the plant.
Off to school the next day, and TIAC's badgering Superlad into badgering a teacher about why she (the teacher, not TIAC) is so popular.
"But I don't like badgering people," whines Superlad.
"What kind of reporter are you?" says TIAC.
"A mild-mannered one," confirms Superlad.
TIAC snorts at him and they head back to her office where they join up with Good Ol' Pete. Superlad and Good Ol' Pete chat about how they're having dinner tonight and watching basketball together and overtly don't invite TIAC to join them.
TIAC pretends not to care. "What's Superlad going to cook?" she asks, for no clear reason.
"He's just gonna go all hyper-McSpeedy down to the big M and mulch forth some doglings," replies Good Ol' Pete.
"He's going to run down to Metropolis and buy some hot dogs?"
"He's going to run down to Metropolis and buy some hot dogs?" translates TIAC.
"You bet ya bosco beat," says Good Ol' Pete. "He can run it in 600!"
"Ten minutes?" says TIAC, turning around to stare at Superlad, questioningly. Superlad is of course laughing insanely.
"Hahahahaha!!" says Superlad. "He's joking."
"Ooooh," says TIAC. "I get it."
And she laughs too.
Superlad takes Good Ol' Pete aside and asks him why he's spilling the beans about, y'know, the secret identity stuff. Good Ol' Pete claims that he didn't mean to do so and that he feels totally 'chaplin' about it.
Rather certain that Good Ol' Pete's just making up the street slang now.
Anyway, TIAC next wields her truth-wielding powers against poor old Mrs Popular, the teacher. She confronts her and her son outside the school and asks her what the worst part about being a teacher is.
"Trying to cover up the murder that I was part of in 1972," reveals Mrs Popular.
"Well, okay then," says TIAC, scribbling it all down and publishing it the next day to critical acclaim.
There's then a very funny scene where TIAC runs around the school probing everybody for their secrets and closeted homosexuality. And succeeds to her delight. Superlad does not approve and says so.
"You're misusing your powers," says Superlad, worried that Bo will give her a whuppin'.
"Yeah, well... I don't care," says TIAC, crazed with her abilities. She turns to Superlad. "So what's your secret then, Mr Superlad."
"I can't believe you asked me that," says Superlad.
"I can't believe you didn't answer that," says TIAC, now very intrigued with Superlad's inexplicable immunity.
Off she trots. Who else does she manage to eke the truth out of?
Well, she corners Lana at one point. "Why is everybody avoiding me?" says TIAC.
"Because we all think you're creepy and weird now," says Lana.
"I see."
"Also, you're not as pretty as me and I'm going to Paris."
"Why didn't you tell me this?"
"You have a mirror," says Lana.
"No," says TIAC. "Why didn't you tell me you're going to Paris?"
"Because I don't trust you. Also, I know that everybody thinks I'm driven and aloof."
To which the entire audience goes: 'Huh???!?'
Anyway, Sinead's next up on the truthy thing. He tells TIAC a whole heap of stuff, including that all he ever really wanted was for Porthos to love him.
Awwwwwwwwwwwww!
At this point, Superlad decides that he should trick TIAC into going into hospital and getting this truth stuff sucked out of her brain. So she arrives at the hospital and, uh-oh, Good Ol' Pete's there as well.
So TIAC turns her attention back to Good Ol' Pete. "Why are you trying to avoid me?" she says.
"So I don't tell you the secret!!" says Good Ol' Pete.
Superlad tears the elevator door open to interrupt the conversation.
"'What is the secret??' she says, oblivious to the torn elevator door."
"What is the secret??" she says, oblivious to the torn elevator door.
"That I've always loved you," says Good Ol' Pete, moving in for the pash.
Well, okay, then. Kinda outta the box, that one.
Good Ol' Pete runs off from the hospital. TIAC has a headache so is admitted and Superlad wanders off to visit somebody who might know something about what the heck is going on with TIAC.
Meanwhile, Porthos has drifted in to visit TIAC. Because he's a sweetie.
TIAC dials her voicemail, hides the phone behind her back and asks some salient questions - ie, did you arrange the murder of your parents.
"Sure did," says Porthos, then covers his mouth. "Whoops!"
"Thank you," says TIAC, reveals her phone message and then tells Porthos that if she gets her father a job she'll ignore the double murder confession.
TIAC, master of ethics.
But Porthos somehow turns the tables. "Hey," he says, "Why don't you drive over to the Kents and ask them where Superlad came from?"
"Deal," says TIAC.
Meanwhile, Superlad's sensibly visited a military scientist who explains how they were trying to creat an uber-interrogator but how the side effects of the truth serum tended to, y'know, kill the recipient and also that TIAC will be dead by tomorrow.
"Is there a cure??" asks Superlad.
"Sure, I have one in a giant syringe in my fridge," he says and hands it over to Superlad.
But by the time Superlad gets back to the hospital, TIAC is driving off to visit the Kents. But, oh no, here comes a ute trying to drive her off the road. Look out, it's Mrs Popular's son, who is seeking vengeance for his mother's imprisonment in true Smallville style - ie, via vehicular manslaughter.
Luckily, Superlad has called her. "Yo, what's up?" he says.
"I'm being knocked off a bridge by Little Jimmy Popular," says TIAC. "Come rescue me."
So he does, and everybody's unconscious so he can wield his powers shamelessly and then he stabs TIAC in the heart with the giant syringe cure and that is that.
Oh, except for when TIAC tries to get her voicemail message again and discovers that instead Porthos has somehow erased it and left a message of his own - ie, 'nyah, nyah, na-nyah-nyah. I erased my confession...' and then more 'Porthos is Number One!!' rambling.
An excellent episode. Possibly one of my all-time favourites. No, honestly. I give it full marks.
Next Week: A very special episode where Sinead remembers why it is that Porthos doesn't love him. No doubt, something to do with the hideous embarrassment of having a bald son.
Begone,
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