THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 3
Score: 7.4 / 10 
17: When Fathers Clash
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
So Bo's galavanting about on the roof of the farm, trying to nail a rooster up there for reasons that are difficult to explain to non-Kansasian farmers.
Boring Ol' Ma is being quite the worry-wart. "Bo, you get down from there this instant. It's too dangerous!!"
Bo laughs at her. "Boring Old Ma Kent. My father and I built this roof together. I could walk along this roof blindfolded if I had to or if somebody bet me that I couldn't."
"But it's too high, wails Ma, tediously.
"What's going to happen??" sneers Bo. "A piercing squeal emitted by the SS Jor-El is going to rip through my skull and drive me insane and make me lose my balance and topple off the roof along with the rooster which will threaten to impale me?"
"Yes," says Boring Ol' Ma. And it's a good call, because that's precisely what happens. Luckily, Superlad was out the back of the barn, teaching the bantams to smoke. He hears Bo fall and rushes out to catch him and prevent him from being impaled on a rooster. (A good thing, because that's always very difficult to explain in the emergency room.)
"And even if that did happen," says Bo, not missing a beat. "We've got young Kal-El here to rescue me."
"Um, the name's Superlad," says Superlad.
"Superlad, Kal-El, Captain Farmboy, none of this matters. The important thing is that I'm not being possessed by the SS Jor-El in any sense."
Phew, thinks Superlad, but then thinks better of it and takes that damn octagonal key out to the caves. "Jor-El," he says, to nobody in particular. "You stop messin' with my Pa's head."
And then there's the usual Kryptonian cave wall light show, but he has to turn it off because Porthos (who decided not to shoot himself because the call waiting on his gun activated in the nick of time) comes wandering in. Porthos shoos Superlad off - this is, after all, private property - and then peers venomously at the octagonal keyhole that has opened up.
"Eight-sided polygonal indentations have long fascinated the senior Luthor ..."
Eight-sided polygonal indentations have long fascinated the senior Luthor and this one is certainly no exception. He immediately scurries off to Sinead.
"You should see it!" says Porthos. "Every angle equal. All eight of them!" He wipes his brow in excitement.
"Dude," says Sinead. "That's your obsession, not mine. I couldn't care less about octagons. The rhombus is where the smart money is."
"Rhombi!??!" sneers Porthos, furious. "Very well, I shall go visit Dr Christopher Reeve without you."
And it is so.
Dr Christopher Reeve doesn't really have an awful lot to say to Porthos, and nor Porthos him. But by gum, it's still one heck of a scene. In the end, Porthos agrees that he's really keen on the caves and Dr Christopher Reeve agrees that he's really keen on the Kryptonian language and let's just leave it at that, shall we?
While all this is going on, Sinead's chillin' out with the FBI, smoking Pina Coladas and drinking cigars through straws. It's all very stylish and suave and Sineadesque. Until the Feds start getting interested in Superlad.
"Why is everybody so obsessed with this young farm boy?" asks Federal Agent Sculder.
"They're not!" says Sinead, a bit too hurriedly.
"Is it the cheekbones?" asks Sculder.
"I ca--... I wo--... Well, I--... I won't dignify that question with a 'yes'," says Sinead, and skulks off red-faced.
Meanwhile, Bo's decided to do a runner while off-camera, which is by far the easiest way to do it. Superlad's supposed to be looking for him so decides that the very best place to start would be at the Death Claw.
Because, y'know, that's always where Bo hangs out.
Turns out that Bo, in fact, isn't there, but (and this is difficult to believe) Lana is. So Superlad decides to talk to her instead.
Lana gibbers on, so Superlad decides an even better plan would be to kiss her. Lana kisses back for a second but then tries to retract her tonguework.
"Look, Superlad, I know you're concerned about your father--"
"My who now?"
Meanwhile, back at the barn, the FBI have shown up to visit Boring Old Ma. "We have a ransack warrant," says Special Agent Sculder. And indeed they do. Ma peruses it carefully to confirm its validity and then lets them in where they start ransacking without fear nor favour.
By this stage, Lana's got Superlad off her pert body and he's wandered over to the cemetery instead to have a chat with Bo.
"How'd you know I'd be here?" says Bo.
"That's for me to know and for you to find out," says Superlad, wily and childish as ever.
And then they chat about life and responsibility and father-son relationships and Cat Stevens and the SS Jor-El and whether it would have been possible to make cat's cradles on Krypton given its different gravitational pull before finally ruffling one another's hair and going home in a manly father-son fashion.
Lana has by now of course gone to visit Sinead. "Superlad kissed me," she says, just a tinge of gloating in her voice.
"Are you sure it wasn't mouth to mouth resuscitation?"
"Are you sure it wasn't mouth to mouth resuscitation?" says Sinead, because he's heard this line before from the Krypton Kid.
Anyway, Bo and Superlad arrive back at the barn and Boring Old Ma's all a-dither because of the Feds and how the octagonal key is now missing.
"Not to worry," says Bo. "It was in Superlad's pocket all along."
And he pulls it out, using time-honoured sleight of hand techniques. Superlad applauds and Bo follows up with the linked rings.
So now Superlad goes to talk to Sinead about the FBI and Sinead says he'll look into it, then Sinead goes to talk to the FBI and they say 'hey, we didn't bust into no farm' but Superlad overhears and he says to Sinead 'hey, baldie, why did you sic the FBI onto us' and Sinead says 'nuh-uh, it must have been Porthos's henchmen' and then Superlad says 'yeah, but' and Sinead says 'besides, what's up with Dr Christopher Reeve? Why didn't you tell me you knew him. Can you get me his autograph' and Superlad says 'sure' and Sinead says 'oh yeah, and he betrayed all your secrets to Porthos too'.
So Superlad goes to visit Dr Christopher Reeve who denies everything and instead tells Superlad that there's a scret Kryptonian message that says 'I'm waiting' but he (Dr Christopher Reeve) doesn't think it's for Superlad.
"Who's it for?"
"We think it's some kind of Kryptonian advertising slogan. Possibly for footwear. Possibly for a telephone company."
"Hey," says Superlad, bored with that. "Can you sign an autograph for Sinead."
And then Bo goes into the caves armed with a trusty shotgun which he almost immediately discards so he can get into a fist fight with Porthos. The octagonal key goes flying and then gets sucked into the wall and that's pretty much that.
No, really. That's all. Lana yabbers on about finding herself. Bo and Superlad try to work out where the key went. And somehow it's in the pocket of Dr Christopher Reeve (!?). Some more Bo sleight of hand no doubt.
And there's big dramatic music over the closing credits, which makes me reasonably certain that I missed something very, very important.
Where, as always, 'very important' is defined in as loose a context as possible. Because, really, people, when it comes right down to it, it's just a television show, right?
Look, a pretty silly episode. I think. It may in fact have been very clever and foreboding, but if it was then it flew straight over my head. Still, I shall give it one temporary benefit of the doubt. We're clearly closing in on a season finale so I feel strangely confident that all these significant matters I fail to understand will be cleared up in no time flat in future episodes.
Next Week: Oblique, significant matters are cleared up in no time flat. Also, there's to be no more lying, which will surely take the fun out of things, don't you think?
Begone,
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