THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 2
Score: 7.6 / 10 
4: Rebel Without A Cape
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
Well, Superlad has saved all his pennies up to buy a lame ring with Red Kryptonite in it. Not that sensible, you might think... and you'd be right!
For the Red K immediately starts messin' up his brain and causing him to turn all James Dean-ish (and what better town to go James Dean in than Smallville).
The rebellion begins with Superlad being rude to a teacher, by offering an opinion about the school dress code. Oh, Superlad, where have Bo and Ma gone so wrong?
There's also a Courtney Love Try-Hard in town. She's part of a tedious subplot which also features some US Marshall impersonator trying to hunt down Courtney's dad. Happily, we can ignore it all, because it's just filler to pad the show out to a decent length. So I won't be mentioning it again.
Instead, Superlad's continuing his authority-defying ways by refusing to join in a study session. He wants to take Lana out to a bar and drink alcohol and dance. Lana is understandably shocked by Superlad's audacious ways.
So the next morning Bo and Ma wake up and Superlad is up in the barn playing Mortal Kombat on his Playstation and listening to the rock and roll music of Fairground Attraction!!
Bo and Ma are devastated by this behaviour. "Superlad, where have we gone wrong?" they say.
"YOU'RE TEARING ME APART!!!" screams Superlad
"What?" says Ma.
"You! You say one thing, you say another, AND IT ALL CHANGES BACK AGAIN!!!"
"I don't know what you're on about," says Ma.
But it's too late. Superlad has donned the leather jacket and stolen Bo's motorcycle, the General Patton.
He zooms off to school. Bo pursues hims there in his truck.
"Clark Superlad Kent. You get in this truck immediately," says Bo.
"Get bent," says Superlad, going a little Bart Simpsonesque for no clear reason.
Bo tries to drag Superlad back to the truck and succeeds only in having Superlad hurl him across the senior quadrangle.
Good Ol' Pete witnesses this and decides to go help Bo. Yep, that's good thinkin' Pete. Super-powered out of control teen. Or washed up old Duke brother. Whose side would you want to be on? Exactly.
We've pretty much forgotten about Sinead haven't we? And that's a shame, but it's only because nothing's going on over there. Porthos is rearranging Sinead's office. And while I'm as big a fan of interior decoration subplots as the next guy, it just can't compete with Superlad's descent into madness.
"Oh, Superlad, Superlad, Superlad. Hopefully somebody can show you the error of your ways before it's too late."
This madness has now manifested itself into telling Lana he's hot for her, kissing her and then inviting her to go dancing!! Oh, Superlad, Superlad, Superlad. Hopefully somebody can show you the error of your ways before it's too late.
Bo and Ma are discussing Superlad's behaviour.
"How can we snap him out of this?" asks Boring Old Ma.
"Well, one thing's for sure. The love of his father isn't enough..."
Boring Old Ma looks nervously from side to side. Bo continues to talk.
"Nosirree, a chat with his father wasn't enough."
Boring Old Ma shuffles around, kicking the dirt. She looks warily at Bo's bruised back.
"And if a father can't get through to him, who possibly can?" queries Bo.
"Maybe we should ask Good Ol' Pete to talk to him," suggests Boring Old Ma. Hey, she's boring, she's not stupid.
By now, Superlad has rocked over to Sinead's Mansion and asked Sinead if he can borrow the Ferrari.
"I don't know," says Sinead. "That's a pretty special automobile, and the record of drivers in Smallville is a bit..." He lets the thought dangle tantalisingly.
"Hey, Sinead. Look at me in my leather jacket! I'm the new James Dean."
"Oh, well in that case, take the car and rock. If you can't trust James Dean behind a wheel, who can you trust?"
But Superlad's already leapt in the car and driven off. He picks up Lana and they head uptown to a bar. There's a brief intersection with the tedious Courtney Love subplot here when Lana refuses to dance and Superlad instead grooves with Courtney. Lana takes umbrage (just like a common umbrage-thief) and storms out.
So then there's a bar brawl which Superlad wins by hurling people about and setting baseball bats ablaze. Obviously.
Next morning, TIAC (remember her?) reads the script and tells Good Ol' Pete about the Red K. Good Ol' Pete heads straight over to the Kent farm to dob.
But Superlad has decided to celebrate his independence by moving out of home and becoming a mega-rich movie star or football player or Superfriend.
Bo protests. "Please, son. Stay and work on the farm. We'll grow some zucchini!"
Tempting, but not enough.
"No way! I'm rich, Bo... I'm a richie! I'm a rich boy. And I'm gonna have more money than you ever thought you had. You and all the rest of ya stinking sons of Benedicts!" bursts Superlad.
"This Red K ring is driving you mad," says Bo. "And infesting you with bad James Dean quotes."
"Says you..."
"... Superlad brings Sinead up to speed on the whole 'Rebel Without A Cape' thing ..."
And he roars off in the Ferrari. All the way over to Sinead's place. They chin-wag for a bit. Superlad brings Sinead up to speed on the whole 'Rebel Without A Cape' thing and Sinead wanders off to visit Bo, who tells Sinead to butt out.
"Well, I never!" says Sinead.
Another intersection with the tedious subplot here. Superlad is teasing Porthos for being blind and also telling him that Sinead hates him and wants him out of there when suddenly one of the guys from the subplot shows up and tries to shoot Superlad. This doesn't work and Superlad instead shoots himself in the hand (??) and beats up the Subplot Guy.
Then it's off to Courtney's house and some more fighting. It surely goes without saying that Subplot Guy Who Is Privy To Superlad's Powers is shot to death by Subplot Guy Who Isn't.
Superlad is running through the cornfields much like a child of the corn. Who should show up but Good Ol' Pete and Bo. Good Ol' Pete is armed with some regular everyday Green Kryptonite, unleashes it, Superlad goes down and Bo smashes Superlad's Red K ring with a baseball bat.
And that's all. Superlad is suddenly better now that he no longer has, y'know, mind-clouding radiation infecting his every action.
All in all, a rather tedious episode, salvaged only by a fantastic last scene which went thusly:
Lana riding around on her horse. Superlad rocks up.
"Hey," says Superlad. "Sorry I behaved like a total dickwad."
"Uh-huh," says Lana, cold as ice tongs.
"It wasn't really me. You have to understand that I didn't mean anything I said or did."
"Including where you said you were hot for me?" asks Lana.
"Ummmmmmmmmm."
"You can't have it both ways, Superlad. Either you meant what you said, or you didn't."
"Oh, bollocks."
"Now, go away. I have horse-riding to do."
And off she rides into the sunset as Superlad curses his foolishness in getting mixed up with Red Kryptonite ringwear.
A powerful lesson - I hope we've all learned something from Superlad's mad foray into the dark side.
Oh, and Porthos has gathered up the bullet remnants that Superlad shot into his hand and scowls curiously.
All in all, a pretty average episode, despite the very amusing final scene of Lana tearing Superlad's heart to shreds. I give it a score of 'half-full of goodness'. (Or possibly half-empty. I can never tell.)
Next week: Superlad beats the snot out of William Shakespeare
Begone,
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