THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 2
Score: 7.3 / 10 
23: Armageddon Outta Here
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
Okay, people, it's time to wrap up the second season of Smallville. We pick up precisely where we left off last episode (because that's the kind of close-minded traditionalists we are). Superlad has wandered into the barn to find the spaceship, which, to the surprise of everybody is up and talking.
Also, it's claiming to be Jor-El, Superlad's Dad. Which certainly gives us a new insight into Kryptonian sex toys.
The Good Spaceship Jor-El tells Superlad that it's time to head off and conquer the world.
"Is that the time already??" says Superlad, looking at his watch.
Next morning and Bo and Boring Old Ma advise Superlad to just not listen to talking spaceships and their bizarre orders. "Good advice," says Superlad. It may have seemed obvious to you or me, but the Superlad kiddie ain't the brightest Kryptonian in the yellow sun environment.
Over to the Luthor Mansion and Sinead has taken the highly un-Sinead step of confessing to Dr TotalBabe about the robbery of Superlad's blood. Not sure what, exactly, he hopes to gain by such a revelation but it seems to go totally awry.
"What did you expect me to do," says Dr TotalBabe. "Forgive you, and live happily ever after??"
Sinead pauses. "Yep." He pauses again. "A scalp massage would go down nicely, too."
But Dr TotalBabe doesn't respond to the Sinead charisma and storms out. Sinead narrows his eyes and vows to reassess this whole 'honesty' schtick.
Superlad pops over to visit Sinead who tells him about the futility of honesty.
"Dr TotalBabe and I are not getting married," says Sinead.
"Why not??" says Superlad. "She's hot!!"
Sinead then explains about destiny and genetic predisposal of sons becoming like their fathers and how this can really be bogus sometimes, especially when the genetic predisposition it to pure evil.
"Your dad's an evil spaceship too?" asks Superlad.
Sinead ignores him, so Superlad heads back to the caves where he bumps into Porthos.
"'Sinead tells me you're an evil spaceship,' says Superlad."
"Sinead tells me you're an evil spaceship," says Superlad.
Porthos ignores that too and begins to taunt Superlad about his own destiny as world conqueror. Porthos is also very interested in the octagonal key, but since it's been stolen, he's taken it upon himself to make a new one.
Out of Kryptonite.
Oh Porthos, you are the resourceful one.
Anyways, while Porthos is showing off his Kryptonite key to Superlad, he (Superlad) responds in the usual fashion, coughing up blood, breaking out in welts, speaking in tongues and so forth.
So Superlad tires of that conversation, what with the associated Kryptonite poisoning and all, so he heads over to a paddock somewhere else, to suck face with Lana. Superlad's still a bit moody, however, because, y'know, the whole Good Spaceship Jor-El/go conquer the world thing.
Then the sun goes down and The Good Spaceship Jor-El summons Superlad back to the barn, where he zaps him with all kinds of energy, burning a bright red 'S' into his chest. Ouch!
Next morning and it's time for the (cancelled) wedding. Bo and Boring Old Ma are dressed to the nines. They head off in the General Lee, honking the horn wildly as they go. Superlad promises not to be late, unless, of course, the whole world-conquerin' thing takes over...
But good news back at Luthor Mansion where Dr TotalBabe has succumbed to Sinead's byzantine 'truth' schemes. She's put the wedding back on and given him permission to steal blood from whoever he wants, whenever he wants.
Sinead grins in bald triumph.
Back at the barn, Superlad has invited Good Ol' Pete around.
"We need to destroy the ship!" says Superlad.
"Thass wack!" says Good Ol' Pete.
"... it's the only scene you're going to get in this season finale, you pitiful cartoon character."
"Yes, but it's the only scene you're going to get in this season finale, you pitiful cartoon character."
"Less go!" says Good Ol' Pete.
So back to the cave with the two of them. Good Ol' Pete creates a diversion. He bounds in, doing a whole-hearted impression of James Brown. "Ha!! Sex Machine!!" he says. While he's doing the splits and "Ha!!"ing some more, Superlad zooms in, nicks the Kryptonite key and zooms back out again.
Good Ol' Pete continues to James Brown away, eventually being arrested on a firearms charge and thrown in jail. Everybody is very impressed with Good Ol' Pete's dedication to his impression.
Back at the wedding and Sinead's wondering where Superlad is. Bo and Boring Old Ma tell him that it's traditional for the bride to be late.
"But he's the best man!!" says Sinead.
"Oh, you two aren't fooling anybody," says Boring Old Ma. Bo winks and they head off to see where Superlad can be.
Of course Superlad is back at the barn squabbling with TIAC. Superlad pretty much lets her ramble for fifteen minutes ("You are a selfish, insecure, vomit-worthy skunk of a human being and if I could throw you into the pits of Hell for vultures to tear your pancreas from your gut then I most certainly would") until she decides to storm off.
"Phew," thinks Superlad. "That could have got ugly!!" He opens the barn door, wanders over to the Good Spaceship Jor-El and whacks the kryptinte octagonal key into its slot. So there's glowing green nonsense everywhere. Superlad's irradiated, the Good Spaceship Jor-El's irradiated and then finally ka-blooey! The whole barn explodes.
Whoops!
The explosion has also toppled the returning General Lee. Superlad rescues Bo and Boring Old Ma but Boring Old Ma loses the baby.
Double whoops!!
Bo gives Superlad a dressing-down about playing with Kryptonite keys and blowing up spaceships. He also lays the guilt trip on about the baby. This works a complete treat and Superlad then is left with no choice but to put on the red Kryptonite ring and turn evil and ride off out of Smallville on a motorcycle.
Let me go through that again with you all to make sure everybody understands - Superlad is left with no choice but to put on the red Kryptonite ring and turn evil and ride off out of Smallville on a motorcycle.
No choice. Simply not one other option.
Okay, it makes no sense whatsoever but, heck, who doesn't like to see a Kryptonian possessed with red K madness cruising down the highway on a chopper??
Oh yes, and Sinead wakes up to find that the plane - the one taking him and Dr TotalBabe to their honeymoon island - that plane is suddenly empty and plummeting headfirst into the ground.
So that's not good either.
And that's where we end Series 2. I can't possibly begin to guess when Series 3 might make its way into my delicate and hard-typing fingers so that's all for now on the Smallville Files front. Let's hope when we somehow catch back up with them, Superlad and Sinead will be all right. Y'know, somehow I have a sneaking suspicion they will be...
Begone,
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