THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 2
Score: 7.1 / 10 
22: I Love To Go A-Conquerin'
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
Well, okay then. Enough of this madness. It's time to end this season, and end it with a big bloody Krypton-explodin' kinda bang.
As all good two-part season finales must, we commence with a comatose linguist raising from his Luthor-sanctioned hospital prison bed, burning a whole heap of bizarre squiggles into the roof before shooting an energy beam out of the palm of his hand and running into the opening credits.
Yes, Dr CunningLinguist is back! And he's superpowered and nutty as all get-out!
While this goes on, Lana bursts into Superlad's barn and gives him a birthday present. "Close your eyes," she says, as she proffers it.
Superlad smirks in his superior fashion and mumbles to himself. "Yeah, like that'll make a difference."
"What did you say?" says Lana.
"Oh, nothing," says Superlad and lunges at her, tongue flailing wildly. They grope emphatically.
Next morning Boring Old Ma strives to start a subplot about how bad she feels that Superlad never got to have a birthday party when he was a kid, because he was too, I dunno, super-powered or uncontrollable or prone to cheating in the sack race or some damn thing.
Superlad chastises her. "I'm sorry, Ma. That subplot ain't going to cut it in a season finale. So let's just wipe that one out. I'm sure Sinead will be along any moment with something infinitely more worthy."
And indeed he is.
"Bo, Boring Old Ma," says Sinead. "I know we've had our differences in the past and that you've often wished that I was dead or not so insanely obsessed with the antics of your unusual son but regardless of the damage I've done to your family unit I'd like you to pretend to be my parents at the wedding rehearsal dinner."
"We're doing what now?" says Boring Old Ma, confused and disappointed in the aborted 'no birthday party' subplot.
"Will there be cake?" asks Bo.
Over to The Death Claw and TIAC is having her nose rubbed into Superlad and Lana's gropage of the previous evening, as the pair of them are truly hopeless and/or monstrously cunning and cruel.
"You were out late last night," says TIAC.
"Well, one thing's for sure, I wasn't over at Superlad's barn, sucking his face like a renegade mega-hoover!"
"... if I did, it certainly wasn't to fondle her pert breasts."
"Um, right," confirms Superlad. "Didn't see her at all last night. And if I did, it certainly wasn't to fondle her pert breasts." He taps his nose at Lana.
"Uhhh... right," says TIAC and leaves with Good Ol' Pete.
"I was spending some quality time alone... if you know what I mean!" shouts Superlad after her.
"Me too!" says Lana. She turns back to Superlad. "Phew! I think we got away with that." Pretty, but not so bright. That's our Lana.
"We sure did, baby. Let's grope some more."
But now Lana decides it would be absolutely side-splittingly hilarious to change her mind and tell Superlad that she just wants to be friends instead. Pretty, not so bright, total tease.
"The kind of friends who get to see one another naked?" tries Superlad.
"I don't think so," says Lana.
Heh! thinks Superlad. Shows how much you know. And he squeezes out one last X-ray perve before he leaves.
Back at the hospital and somebody has broken into Doctor TotalBabe's offices and stolen Superlad's blood sample. Sinead stands at the back of the room, whistling innocently and looking at the ceiling.
Doctor TotalBabe goes to tell Bo about the stolen blood - she is aware that Bo has had a long-held fascination with blood thieves. She accuses Bo of being the thief. Bo responds by accusing Sinead. I'm sure if Sinead was there he'd accuse, oh, say, Good Ol' Pete.
And so it goes.
But Sinead isn't there. He's back at Luthor Mansion, advising Superlad on this whole 'Lana won't make out with me no more' thing.
"Why don't you offer her a pre-nup?" suggests Sinead. He looks down at the desk. "No, that won't work... Why not fly her to Paris or give her a pair of diamond earrings?"
"Um, yes," says Superlad. And decides instead to take her for a cheapskate walk and talk. Lana makes the usual noises about how she doesn't want to risk friendships. Superlad doesn't buy that for a second. "Friendship, schmiendship," he says. Which is actually rather hard to say, and perhaps the first flowering of his super-ventriloquism power.
Before Lana can respond, the voice of Jor-El emerges in Superlad's head, telling him that 'the day is coming' and imploring him to return to the spaceship.
Boy, I hate it when that happens, don't you?
Around about this point Sinead calls Superlad into Dr CunningLinguist's hospital cage and tries to trick him into revealing that he can read Kryptonian. He shows him the symbols that Dr CunningLinguist burned into the roof and offers the opinion that they spell out the lyrics to Morning Train by Sheena Easton.
"What do you think, Superlad?" says Sinead.
"I told you, I can't read the symbols," says Superlad.
Sinead stares at him. "I believe you," he lies.
"Thank you," says Superlad, relieved to be rid of Sinead's piercing peepers.
"No problemo," says Sinead. "Hey, is that a picture of Lana and TIAC making out??"
"Where?" says Superlad. He follows Sinead's fingers. "Oh no, that's just the Krypton symbol for--"
"Hmmm??" says Sinead.
"Um, nothing," says Superlad, recovering just in time. He leaves, humming to himself.
"Somebody's got to keep this plot moving."
Of course, nobody has thought to track down the escaped, insane, energy-wielding Dr CunningLinguist so he's made his way back to the cave and recharged himself with all manner of energy powers. Good for him, I say. Somebody's got to keep this plot moving. And it ain't going to be the regular cast, now is it?
Back at The Death Claw and Lana and Dr TotalBabe have a bit of a natter about their mutual boyfriend doubts.
"If you knew that Sinead was keeping secrets from you, but was being truthful about how he feels about you, would that be enough?" asks Lana.
"What do you mean 'if'?" replies Dr TotalBabe. She snorts at Lana's naivete.
Dr TotalBabe heads back to the mansion to rumage around for the stolen Superlad blood. In the midst of this she bumps into Porthos, who just seems to have abandoned his CEO duties and now wanders around Smallville, sticking his nose into everybody else's business.
As further evidence, he then moseys down to the caves and bumps into Superlad, where he makes veiled threats about the stolen spaceship octagonal key. "What do these symbols say?" asks Porthos.
"I don't know," says Superlad. "I don't even like Sheena Easton."
And then, of course, Porthos happens to wander back to the mansion just in time to see Dr CunningLinguist burst in and inform Sinead that Superlad is going to rule the world and that he (Dr CunningLinguist) is going to kill him (Superlad).
"Ha!" says Sinead. "Good luck!!"
Porthos smirks mysteriously and tries to work out what scene he would be best suited to appear in next.
There's not much after that. There's obviously a big fight between Superlad and Dr CunningLinguist which ends with Dr CunningLinguist accidentally triggering the barn full of nitroglycerine that Bo had been keeping for who knows what purpose.
Oh, and Porthos finds another scene to meddle in. He pops into TIAC's little newspaper thing to tell TIAC that she is to study Superlad in detail. "You got it!!" says TIAC, enthusiastically. And prove that he's an alien from another planet sent here to conquer the world with his myriad of superpowers, adds Porthos. "Um... right," says TIAC. She tells Porthos to stick Kryptonite in his sphincter, but then changes her mind, because she sees Superlad and Lana licking one another's tonsils in the barn. Also, she reasons that putting Kryptonite in his sphincter might give Porthos all manner of anal superpowers and nobody wants to go there.
And that is that.
Oh, except it's not. Because it's the first part of a two-part season finale, so we have to end with something a tad more dramatic than TIAC being a bit cranky about not being privy to the Superlad lovin'. So Porthos cuts off Dr CunningLinguist's symbol-ridden hand to make a copy of the octagonal key (he'd just been watching 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' the night before). And Dr TotalBabe gets pre-wedding jitters and threatens to call it all off because, y'know, she's worried about Sinead's paranoid obsession with Superlad and how he might be, like, totally nuts and a blood-robber, to boot.
Oh, yes, and Jor-El, speaking via the glowing spaceship, tells Superlad that he's to conquer the world the next day.
But we'll deal with all that next week when I have no doubt all manner of exciting stuff will take place.
Begone,
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