THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 2
Score: 7.2 / 10 
20: Porthos And TIAC Up A Tree... K-I-S-S-I-N-G
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
The show opens in a promising fashion with TIAC all cranky at Superlad. Apparently, Superlad was supposed to come up with an article called 'Capes: Back In Fashion?' for TIAC's silly newspaper. Instead, (perhaps as a protest against the lameness of TIAC's title pun) he's been out riding with Lana (riding horses, people).
"I'm never a priority in your life, Superlad," says TIAC. "I'm always just a backup plan and I'm tired of it."
"That's ridiculous," says Superlad.
"Is it?" says TIAC.
"Of course. Why would you be tired of that?" He shakes his head. Then quits the paper. Y'know, for the dramatic tension of it all.
Oh, and there's a car crash on the outskirts of town. Obviously. Superlad tries to help, but is knocked out by a robber with a Kryptonite ring. (A ring on his finger, people. I mean, really. What is it with you lot today?)
Opening credits. Wail it, Remy Zero, wail it.
So it's the next day and Superlad is at school, trying to track down the wearer of the Kryptonite ring. Good Ol' Pete is less keen to get mixed up with people capable of knocking Superlad out.
"Just because he wears a school ring doesn't mean that he goes to school," suggests Good Ol' Pete. "He could just have a fetish for High School Jewellery. Or, um, perhaps he's Green Lantern."
Good Ol' Pete, studying up on his DC mythology. But Superlad's not interested in Good Ol' Pete's time-wasting theories. He's peered into the skull of a fellow student and realised that he was the bad guy from the other night. "Who is that guy?" asks Superlad.
"What am I, TIAC?" says Good Ol' Pete, refusing to stoop to exposition.
But then Superlad explains how TIAC isn't talking to him ("Awesome!" says Good Ol' Pete), so Good Ol' Pete relents and explains how the bad guy is a Super-Powered Big Baseball Hitter, much like Robert Redford in The Natural.
Back at Luthor Mansion, and Porthos has popped in for a chat with Sinead. They verbally joust in the usual fashion, Porthos making subtle fun of Sinead's pending marriage to Dr TotalBabe, while Sinead mocks Porthos's tendency to undertake criminal activity in the dead of night with easily robbed vans.
Also, there's a tedious ongoing subplot with Lana and her biological father Jebediah Small. Some nonsense about Jebediah's wife hating Lana and therefore filing for a divorce and how because of this Lana doesn't invite Jebediah to a riding show. Or some damn thing. It's precisely as tedious as it sounds (to four decimal places!) so happily, I won't be referring to it again.
Meanwhile, back at the school, Superlad and Good Ol' Pete have dug up some more info on Super-Powered Big Baseball Hitter, which is rather annoying, because that's supposed to be TIAC's job.
"Apparently there was a chemical explosion in the lab during Chemsitry Camp," says Superlad.
"Isn't that how The Flash got his powers?" asks Good Ol' Pete, by now way up on his Justice League Origins.
Then TIAC comes in.
"I'm glad you're here," says Superlad. "All this exposition is giving me a migraine."
"I'm not just your exposition-spouting friend, you know!" shrieks TIAC.
"... Superlad ... winks idiotically at Good Ol' Pete."
"Sure you're not," says Superlad, then winks idiotically at Good Ol' Pete.
"Besides," says TIAC. "I thought you quit the paper."
"You quit the stupid paper??" says Good Ol' Pete, as far out of the loop as an Elongated Man stretch.
"See?" says Superlad. "You can still exposit with the best of them."
There's high-fivin' from Good Ol' Pete at this verbal victory and this annoys TIAC further. "Maybe we just shouldn't be friends any more!" says TIAC.
More high-fivin'.
Then, to celebrate, Superlad follows Super-Powered Big Baseball Hitter to a makeshift Kryptonite Gas refinery that some of the Smallville Kids have knocked up in their spare time and gets beaten up and thrown into the kiln.
Oh, yes, it turns out that Super-Powered Big Baseball Hitter and his friends are asthmatic and put Kryptonite Gas in their inhalers to make them super-strong (and at full lung capacity).
Anyway, it goes without saying that after he's received a sufficient tan, Superlad bursts out of the kiln and goes back home where Bo and Boring Old Ma decide to call the cops and have SPBBH arrested on a charge of attempted murder. It's an anonymous tip, and they don't reveal who he tried to murder or indeed how and where, but the Lazy Smallville Cops have never stooped to following procedure before and they see no reason to start now, so they arrest SPBBH. Superlad watches the arrest from a distance and smirks at SPBBH, more than a little smugly and without even the pretense of denying his super-invulnerability. Luckily, SPBBH lacks even the basic synaptic power to question how somebody thrown into a blazing hot fire can be, like, not dead. Despite this being the premise for throwing him into the fire in the first place. He's super-strong, but almost inconceivably stupid. Again, like Robert Redford in The Natural.
By this stage, of course, Porthos has decided to make his move. He bumps into TIAC at the Smallville Hospital.
"TIAC," he says. "I admire your zeal."
TIAC blushes. "I have been working out," she says.
"Um, yes," says Porthos. "Be that as it may, I shall return with a mysterious offer by the end of the show... For now, I bid you... adieu!"
And he disappears in a ball of smoke, laughing sinisterly.
Cool, thinks TIAC.
Speaking of mysterious offers, Sinead has popped into SPBBH's prison cell and posted bail.
"Listen here, SPBBH," says Sinead. "I know that you know that I know that you broke into my father's mysterious midnight van. What I don't know and you do know and I think I should know what you know is the contents of the mysterious midnight van."
"Huh?" says SPBBH.
"After several attempts, including stick figure cartoons and an impromptu puppet show, SPBBH gets it ..."
Sinead sighs, and speaks slower. After several attempts, including stick figure cartoons and an impromptu puppet show, SPBBH gets it and reveals that it was a van-full of Kryptonite.
Oh, and by now, of course, TIAC's newspaper office has been ransacked and destroyed. Superlad pops in to say 'bogus' but TIAC won't stand for that and storms out.
"Where are you going?" says Superlad.
"To find a friend!" shoots back TIAC.
"Really??" says Superlad. "Good luck!" He looks around for somebody to share this rip-snorter with. He finds nobody so decides to go back to the farm and tell Bo.
But, of course, by the time Superlad gets back to the barn he finds the barn in a similar state of disarray and with Bo and Boring Old Ma strung up on poles. Superlad blushes and dashes back out again. He's walked in on Bo and Ma's sex games before and it ain't a pretty sight.
But Bo assures him this isn't a sex game gone wrong and makes Superlad get them down. Bo and Superlad then have one of their patented arguments.
"Okay," concedes Bo, eventually. "You're right. These super-strong asthmatics are too much for us. I'll take Boring Old Ma to Metropolis for a few days. But I'd feel a lot better if you'd come with us."
"But they're as strong as I am! I'd be no protection at all."
"That's true," says Bo, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "Okay, you stay here and fight them then. We'll catch you when we get back." He leans out the window. "You finished packing the General MacArthur yet, woman??! ... Well, hurry up!! ... For the love of..." He turns back to Superlad. "Look, we're outta here. Try using your other powers. Or something. I dunno. Bye!" And they roar off, leaving behind two-thirds of their suitcases because damnit, there's no time, woman!!
So Superlad confronts Sinead about, like, the bailing out of the bad guy. Sinead fast-talks his way out of that in his usual slick fashion and then he concocts a wily trap involving another van full of Kryptonite for the super-strong asthmatics to steal. Superlad commandeers the plan, knocks Sinead out, then has a fight with the asthmatics. He uses a wide variety of his other powers (including super-ventriloquism!) to win the fight and that would seem to be essentially that.
Then he makes Good Ol' Pete bury all the Kryptonite, which Good Ol' Pete claims is 'totally ill'. Why does he have to bury all the Kryptonite and do all the hard work while Superlad just lazes around, recovering from his battle with four super-strong asthmatics??
Superlad ignores Good Ol' Pete's whining and returns to visit Sinead.
"Wow," says Superlad. "Great plan, Sinead."
"Yes," says Sinead. "It would have been, except that it wasn't my team that stopped the asthmatics and stole the Kryptonite."
"Really???" says Superlad, ingenuously. "Who was it?"
"Ooooh," says Sinead. "I have my suspicions." His eyes and bald brow narrow meaningfully.
"Hahahahaha," says Superlad, wondering why he ever started this conversation. Who is he to take on the bald wiles of Sinead?
Meanwhile, Porthos has predictably re-emerged in TIAC's offices and promised to rebuild them and give TIAC a weekly column at the Daily Planet and cosmetic enhancement surgery on her zeal.
"In return for what?" asks TIAC.
"Ohhhh... just a small matter of... your soul." And he laughs evilly as thunder crashes in the background.
And, of course, TIAC agrees.
A perfectly valid episode. I like Porthos moving in on TIAC. I have long maintained that what this show lacked was inter-generational sexual tension. And given that the only other real option was Boring Old Ma and Good Ol' Pete, I think the writers are going in the right direction. I give this one a score of 7. Not sure out of what, yet. But 7 seems suitably angular and prime.
Next week: According to the DVD liner notes, Lana meets a ghost. Who's she gonna call?
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 7.2 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
If it should be higher, click the green arrow:
And if you think it should be lower, try the red one:
To receive this kind of stuff via a convenient regular email, visit the subscription page
Or don't. I'm not the boss of you.
