Dan Liebke’s Astonishing Tales

A week passes real time, but, nuttily, wefast forward three months in Smallville time. People haverecovered from tornado trauma. TIAC has been to Metropolispretending to be a reporter. And nobody has thought tosearch for, say, that missing spaceship that’s just sittingin the field waiting to be found and muck everybody’s lifeup.

So we’re back for the first day of schooland TIAC is being amusingly cold towards Superlad. She’sgot the irrits because Superlad didn’t email her while shewas away, so makes up a lie about how she met somebody way hotter than Superlad at Nerd Reporter Camp.

Superlad looks puzzled. “Hotter than me??That doesn’t sound right,” he says. “Look at me! I’m asbuff as they come!”

TIAC ignores him. Good Ol’ Pete nodsagreeably.

Also, there’s a heat wave. This isimportant because it gives us an excuse to see the newteacher wearing an amazingly short and revealing dress thatleaves absolutely nothing of the figure to theimagination.

And then, after Physics with Mr Marrinon,they head off to Biology, where the same phenomenonapplies, but this time with the new femaleteacher.

The teacher, Miss Farquar unveils a sexeducation tape (namely, her successful stint seducing anidiot boofhead named Pacey in series one of Dawson’s Creek)which only succeeds in getting Superlad sufficiently workedup that a new superpower emerges - namely heat vision,which bursts from his eyes and sets the film ablaze.Everybody runs out screaming.

Sinead roars up in the Luthormobile, getsout, embraces Miss Farquar and informs Superlad that he’sgoing to marry her tonight.

“That seems perfectly reasonable,” saysSuperlad.

“Also, I want you to be my best man.”

“Okey-doke.”

So Superlad heads home and tells Bo andMa about a) his new-found ability to incinerate movies withbut a glance and b) Sinead’s wedding to Miss Farquar.

Bo ignores b), but scurries off to movehis Dukes of Hazzard video collection to a safer place,well away from the lad’s conflagratin’ eyes.

Meanwhile, back at Luthor Manor, Sineadis trying to convince Miss Farquar to sign a pre-nup.

She kisses him and Sinead’s mind isclouded and he says ’screw it, pre-nups are for losers’. Weare supposed to believe that Sinead’s mind has beenmesmerised by Miss Farquar’s extra-minty-fresh Kryptonitebreath, but I see that as an unnecessary complication.

So they get married, and it’s a beautifulceremony with personal wedding vows.

‘Do you, Sinead, promise to remain baldand slick…’

“Do you, Sinead, promise to remain baldand slick and under the power of her mind-alteringpheromones, ’til the end of this episode do you part.”

“I do.”

“And do you, Miss Farquar, promise toremain buxom and babelicious and capable of all kinds ofvillainy and mischievousness until the end of this episodedo you part.”

“I do.”

“Then I now pronounce you bald man andbabe. You may grope the bride…. no, not you,Superlad…”

“Oh. Sorry.”

Beautiful. Excuse me while I take amoment to pull myself together.

I’m sorry. I always cry at weddings.

Anyway, after the wedding, Superlad andLana return to Lana’s cafe-cinema thing for a cup of icecoffee. They’re talking about stuff - haberdashery, Lanadumping Whit, deciduous trees, favourite episodes of FamilyTies - when something gets Superlad all sexually excited(either the memory of Mallory or the Ivyleaf Maple) and hiseyes start blowing things up again.

“Eek! Flame!” says Lana and runsaway.

So Superlad refuses to go to school thenext day, because, y’know, of the fear of setting peopleablaze just because he lusts for them.

Bo will have none of that. He comes inand tells Superlad that he’s built a scarecrow out the backand he wants Superlad to practise his heat vision onthat.

Superlad protests. “But the heat visiononly works when I’m sexually aroused!”

“Y’know, son, we Earthling men muchprefer to commemorate sexual arousal with… well, let’sjust say with the emergence of the tallest steeple in thechapel of love… if you get my meaning…”

And he gives a sly wink to Ma who blushesprofusely. Superlad looks totally baffled.

“Besides,” continues Bo. “Wait ’til yousee this scarecrow! Vavavavoom!”

And he’s right. Because the scarecrow isone of the sauciest straw women ever seen and soon enablesSuperlad to master the mysteries of his heat vision. Duringan ad break he gets it all under control. No longer willmere sexual arousal incite the blazin’ peepers.

Which is handy, because MissFarquar-Luthor shows up and tries to seduce him. Sheunleashes her freshy-mint-Kryptobreath on him, but heresists!

“I’m sorry, but Sinead is my friend and Iwould never do that to him. Besides, I’ve recently foundtrue love with Betty Straw-Breasts.”

“Oh,” says Miss Farquar-Luthor and slinksoff.

Superlad heads off to class the next dayand dobs to TIAC about Miss Farquar-Luthor.

“Pshaw,” says TIAC. “Yeah, right.”Maintaining her impressively cold stance towardsSuperlad.

Superlad ignores her and instead headsoff to dob to Sinead, who is stylishly playing snooker withhimself.

“Ah, Superlad. Come on in. Y’know, eversince I was a wee lad, I never allowed myself to havefriends because my father raised me to believe thatfriendships were only for Communists and pixies. But eversince the first episode of this show when you rescued mefrom the car crash and gave me that lingering kiss–”

“Mouth to mouth resuscitation, Sinead!It’s a legitimate first aid technique. Look it up!”

‘–since that lingering kiss, you have beenthe one friend I could rely upon and trust’

Sinead raises his eyebrowsdisbelievingly. “–since that lingering kiss, you have beenthe one friend I could rely upon and trust. Which is why ithurts so much to hear you tried to seduce my babewife.”

Superlad denies this but Sinead doesn’tbelieve him. Superlad heads off, muttering to himself aboutbald people choosing dates before mates.

Then, because nobody else has thought to do soyet this episode, Miss Farquar-Luthor sets a car onfire.

Superlad gets the blame for this, so theLazy Smallville Cops show up and throw him in jail!Madness! Since when is car destruction a criminal offencein Smallville??

Furious, Bo heads off to visit MissFarquar-Luthor and confront her about her mischief-making.Miss Farquar-Luthor unleashes the minty-fresh-kryptobreathon Bo, who doesn’t resist all that much. Boring Old Ma…or extremely curvey, wet and nude Miss Farquar-Luthor… it’sa tough choice all right.

Then TIAC finds the script and visitsSuperlad in jail to explain how Miss Farquar developedsuper-pheromone powers in the meteor shower and how she hasa history of seducing rich billionaires, then not-so-richboofheads who murder the billionaires, leaving Miss Farquarwith all the money.

So after TIAC leaves, Superlad sets thejail on fire, breaks out, zooms over to Luthor Manor whereMiss Farquar-Luthor has unleashed a shotgun-wielding Bo onSinead. Bo tries to shoot Sinead, Superlad burns the bulletin mid-air with his burny-eyes and that’s about it.

The Lazy Smallville Cops decide dealingwith this is all too hard - attempted murder by Bo,jail-breaking from Superlad, arson all over the place bySuperlad - and in the end they decide to arrest MissFarquar-Luthor on a charge of ‘making men not thinkclearly’. And on that patriarchal note of triumph wefinish.

(Also, Sinead simply keeps all his money,ignoring the fact he didn’t sign the pre-nup, Bo and Maignore the fact he was out flagrantly kissing other womenand everybody continues to ignore the fact that the freakin’ spaceship is still missing!!!)

Very excellent stuff again. Alwaysexciting when Superlad comes up with a new power. Itherefore give this episode 4 blazing-hot stars.

 

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