THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 2
Score: 8 / 10 
12: Welcome To The Party Kal!
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
Ahhh... super quality Smallville this week with the gang all at their very, very best. We open with Sinead conducting one of his weekly employee beratings. Apparently, Porthos has beaten Sinead to a multi-million dollar scalp conditioner contract and Sinead is all grumpy-pants about it.
"How did he know we were bidding?" demands Sinead. "And what does Porthos want with scalp conditioner anyway? The man is a Yeti!!"
The underling is incapable of answering this question, so Sinead dismisses him and destroys his computer. Good to see your anger management classes paying off, Sinead. But, OTOH, it was a Windows ME system, so good riddance to bad rubbish.
But then Sinead notices that one of his tulips was bugged (Sinead has invested heavily in tulips in the hope of cashing in on a return of any tulip boom mania - astute and forward thinking). He goes on a rampage throughout the mansion destroying anything that might contain bugs. Eventually, he destroys his radio. It doesn't hold bugs but it was playing a Little Richard marathon, so that's understandable, also.
Over at the Kent farm and funny old Porthos has watched the previous episode and seen how boring Boring Old Ma is without the incentive of his employ, so he's returned her job to her and insists that she flies to Metropolis to work on a Sunday.
Bo is enraged. He has organised a picnic to celebrate their anniversary. (Bo's and Ma's, not Bo's and Porthos's... or Porthos's and Ma's either.) Also, it occurs to him that if Interesting Old Ma becomes too interesting, people might start referring to him as Boring Old Bo. And is that any way to treat a former Duke brother?
Of course not.
Over at Luthor Mansion, Sinead is confronting Porthos about the bugs. As usual with Luthor conversations, it is all sly innuendo and understated subtext.
"So, Porthos," says Sinead. "Kudos on the Scalp Conditioner contract. Interesting how you knew I was bidding. Anybody would think you had some kind of inside knowledge on my activities - perhaps as a result of bugging the mansion. Oh, and did I mention that I found bugs throughout the mansion?"
Okay, so perhaps the innuendo is not overly sly, nor the subtext too understated. But, by gum, it's still a fine Luthor conversation regardless.
"... perhaps Porthos is as dumb as a shoelace."
Porthos retorts with: "I don't know what you're suggesting, Sinead!" (So, perhaps it was understated and sly, or perhaps Porthos is as dumb as a shoelace.) "If you have bugs, then maybe you should hire an exterminator."
"Like Governor Schwarzenegger?" says Sinead.
"No," says Porthos, irritated. "Not ex-Terminator. Exterminator. Bug-remover."
"Oh," says Sinead, getting it.
And then Porthos and Interesting Old Ma fly back to Metropolis to sign contracts.
Superlad shows up and tricks Sinead into letting Bo borrow the helicopter to fly to Metropolis for a romantic dinner at Burger King. Bo is snooty and dismissive and Sinead has finally had a gutful.
"Since the day I've shown up in this town I've tried to be nice to you, Mr Bo Kent. But all you have done is be an absolutely horrid person. And I shan't forget it." He storms off, teary and upset.
By this stage, of course, Sinead has also called Hooligans 4 Hire to go install bugs in Porthos's headquarters. Sinead, evil but unoriginal. To make sure he wasn't recognised, Sinead used a magical voice-altering device on his phone that made his voice sound like Porky Pig, stutter and all!
Of course, Hooligans 4 Hire botch the whole thing up and end up taking Porthos and Interesting Old Ma hostage in the building. They are also trying to break into Porthos's safe, which they are assured contains $600 million in bearer bonds.
Superlad and Bo see this on the news.
"All right," says Bo. "You run down there and save the day. I'll follow in the General Custer and show up just when the action is all over."
"Or you could be nice to Sinead and ask if you could borrow his helicopter?" suggests Superlad.
"Prrffffrttt!" snorts Bo. "He hasn't even named it after a leading military figure!"
"Your choice, dude," says Superlad. "All I know is that driving a truck to Metropolis when you could be flying a chopper is, like, way boring, man."
"Superlad, going a bit surfer dude ..."
Superlad, going a bit surfer dude for a moment. And he runs off.
So Bo pops over to visit Sinead and grovel.
"Gosh, Mr Luthor," he says. "I sure am sorry about the way I've treated you and that, what with the constant sniping and suspicion and all. But, gosh, I'd sure appreciate it if you'd let me borrow your helicopter, like."
"No problemo!" says Sinead, catching Superlad's bodacious surfer dialogue disease for a moment.
And they climb into the helicopter. "Can we call it, I dunno, the General Sherman?" asks Bo.
"Heh," says Sinead, smiling. "No."
By this stage, Superlad's in Metropolis trying to work out how to sneak into PorthosCorp headquarters. One of the Not-At-All-Lazy Metropolis Cops tell him that he's not allowed to bust in via some kind of sewer grating, because a) he'll set off alarms that will alert the terrorists and b) he'll totally whiff up the place.
Inside the building the terrorists continue their drilling through the safe and also ruthlessly shoot one of the more lenient terrorists.
"What are you doing, Hans?" say the other terrorists.
"Establishing how ruthless and evil I am. Now, unlock the vault."
"Okey-doke."
And they do so. But, alas, there's not $600 million in bearer bonds in the vault. There's just a truckload of Kryptonite bars, some secret files on Superlad (files that reveal his favourite rock band! A-ha, apparently) and the missing piece of the spaceship.
Interesting Old Ma looks at all this with interest. How very interesting, she thinks, by way of proof.
But the terrorists find it less so. "Where the hell is the money?" screams Hans.
"'I -- no -- speak -- English,' says Porthos ..."
"I -- no -- speak -- English," says Porthos, in a stilted and heavy accent that fools nobody.
Downstairs, Bo and Sinead have arrived in Metropolis and bumped into Superlad.
"Hey, Superlad," says Sinead.
"Hey," says Superlad back.
And that's that. Sinead doesn't think to ask how Superlad beat a freaking helicopter to Metropolis, because, y'know, he has a phone call to make.
He dials Hans who immediately complains about the contents of the safe. Sinead's brow lights up.
"R-r-r-r-really??" he says. "Kryptonite bars and files on S-s-s-s-s-superlad?? Okay, th-th-th-th-that's all folks. Take the secret elevator escape route, bring the g-g-g-g-goodies and I'll give you $100 million in c-c-c-c-cash."
Porthos overhears this and trumps Sinead. "I'll double what he's offering."
"D-d-d-d-d-damn and blast," says Sinead and hangs up, foiled.
By now, Superlad has had a brilliantly kooky plan. He's decided to go to the top of the Daily Planet building and jump over to the PorthosCorp building, smash through a window and defeat the terrorists.
"You can do that??" says Bo, unconvinced and increasingly dull.
"Leap into tall buildings with a single bound? But of course," replies Superlad. "It's practically part of the job description."
So off he goes, jumping through the air, screaming 'Yippee-ki-yay, mother-%#*@er' as he goes. He crashes through the window, fights one terrorist, beats her up, then runs into the other room for the patented Superlad final fight. He knocks the other terrorists over, gets weakened by the Kryptonite bars, which are then pushed away by Interesting Old Ma allowing Superlad to get up and beat up the terrorists again. Superlad also sets his file on fire with the ol' heat vision. Nobody is going to know about his A-ha predilections! Finally, Hans is shot by Porthos. Blind men shooting guns - something I've always been in favour of.
And that's pretty much it. Everybody is rescued and comes out of the building.
"Wait a moment," says Sinead. "How did you get up there, Superlad??"
"Ummm..." says Superlad.
"The boy is resourceful as a whip," says Porthos, coming to Superlad's defence. "You could learn something from him, Sinead."
"No doubt," says Sinead. But it doesn't really answer his question, now does it?
And then the Kents decide that rather than have Interesting Old Ma quit working for Porthos, she should continue to do so because of the high quality that it engenders in the show.
"Also," adds Bo. "If you stay close to Porthos, maybe we can learn just what he's up to. Maybe it's time to take a play out of the Luthor playbook."
"You mean, shave my head?" says Superlad.
"No," says Bo. "Just be, like, devious and sneaky."
"Oh," says Superlad, relieved. Because his ruffled and unruly hair is very much part of his hunk-of-a-man look.
Oh, there was also a tedious Lana subplot in there that I've ignored because it was, like, tedious. Let that be a lesson to her.
A fantastic and wonderful episode. No TIAC, no Good Ol' Pete. But plenty of Porthos and Sinead tomfoolery and a healthy dose of the ol' Die Hard references. How can one go wrong? A+.
Next week: Somebody shoots Porthos!! But who? My money's on either Morph Lass or TIAC.
Begone,
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