Dan Liebke’s Astonishing Tales

Clearly we are due for yet another dose of Smallville-mania. Thisweek, all is not as it seems… gosh, I love it when that happens,it makes plots so mysterious!We open, sensibly enough with Superlad wielding his super-plumbingabilities and then lying about them to Lana. Just as we’ve come to expect.

Then we cut to Whit (remember Whit? By gum, I’ve missed hisfootball playing stupidity) running around in Vietnam fightingthe ‘gooks’, in a shocking display of both political incorrectnessand off-the-charts historical ignorance. Ithink he’s also trying for some kind of South-East Asian footballscholarship. He fails to get one and, in addition, is blown up by some waywardmortar. The Vietnamese teams may not have much of a running game,but they’re strong on the blitz defence.

But enough of Whit and his old-fashioned war-mongering. Nowwe’re in school, with Superlad putting the moves on Lana. Boring OldMa has organised some kind of gherkin sale at the local markets andSuperlad brazenly invites Lana along.

She hesitates, but ultimately cannot resist the combined Superlad/gherkincharms.

Then, of course, all is ruined by the return of Whit who sweeps Lana offher pert little butt.

Superlad goes home and mopes around, all green with envy and/or kryptonite poisoning untilBo gives him a talking-to.

“Superlad,” he says. “You are going to that party and you are going to applaudthe renewed love affair of Whit and Lana. Whit is an American hero and hedeserves the incredible form of Lana’s shapely bod.”

Hmmm… thinks Superlad. Heroes get the chicks, huh? And he wonders how hecan combine this factoid with his burgeoning love of skin-tight leotards.

Meanwhile, Sinead and Doctor TotalBabe have a spat. Sinead is upset becausePorthos and Doc TotalBabe have been meeting in parks. He has the photos to prove it.Also, Porthos has been inserting things into Doc TotalBabe’s repository - namely,$100,000 into her bank account. And Sinead can’t abide that.

So she storms off, all babelicious and flustered, while Sinead does the bald brow thing.

Over to the ‘Welcome Home’ party for Whit and now it’s Whit’s turn to get jealous.

“Superlad and I are just friends,” says Lana, helpfully.

Whit doesn’t believe her - Superlad doesn’t help here as he is busy making lewd gesturesbehind Lana. Whit responds rationally enough, ie he tears a toilet door off itshinges.

“How did you do that to the door?” says Superlad, when he comes in and catches him.Superlad, protective of his carefully zoned-off superstrength territory.

“I’m a trained US Marine,” says Whit. “There are lots of things I can do. I can jugglefire and skin a crocodile with my teeth!”

Join the Marines, kids! It’s a man’s life. Or, to be more precise, it’s some kindof morphing returning character’s life! Because it is suddenly revealed that this isn’tWhit at all!! It’s MorphLass from Season One. Whit is dead, and Morph Lass has assumed the form of hisfit, tanned bod. She has also killed some dopey Marine who was popping in to ruinher plan. Y’know, such as it is.

… have a lookat Lana, people.

Morph Lass, as you might recall, has the hots for Lana. Because, well… have a lookat Lana, people.

Then it’s over to Luthor Mansion and Superlad and Sinead are playing snooker withtheir usual aplomb. Sinead is ragging on Doctor TotalBabe and Superlad is playingdevil’s advocate.

“Have you considered the possibility that Doctor TotalBabe may not be a totalwhore-spy determined to ruin your life?” says Superlad.

“No,” says Sinead, rubbing his chin. “No I haven’t.” Could it be that simple?

And then Superlad borrows TIAC’s script and finds out that Morph Lass isimpersonating Whit. He dobs her in to TIAC and Good Ol’ Pete who think tothemselves ‘hell, why not?’. Because what kind of love triangle wouldit be without some kind of deranged murderer in the middle of it?

Then Superlad decides it would be funny to tell Lana about the whole MorphLass/Whit thing.

“This is insane!” says Lana.

“No, no. It’s in the script, see?” says Superlad, handing it over.

Lana skims through. “I hate my dialogue! It’s so… bad and, y’know,ewww.”

Superlad runs off to confront Whit. Lana reads further in the scriptand discovers that wait a moment! She’s not Lana at all! She’s Morph Lassdisguised as Lana. So, for the hell of it, she hurls Good Ol’ Pete intoa locker.

“Well, how rude,” thinks Good Ol’ Pete. And falls unconscious.

Then Whit/Morph Lass runs over to visit the real (ie non-Morph Lass) Lana. He/sheproposes to her.

“I’m sorry,” says Lana. “I can’t marry you.”

“Why not?” says Whit/Morph Lass.

For anotherthing, that ring’s a Froot Loop.

“For one thing, I broke up with you before you joined the Marines. For anotherthing, that ring’s a Froot Loop.”

Whit/Morph Lass takes this in his/her stride and makes himself a balanced breakfast. He alsomanages to talk Lana into letting him/her borrow her deadly kryptonite necklace.

“But of course,” says Lana. Because, heck, it’s only her most treasured possession.Why not give it to some idiot Rambo-emulatin’ lunkhead?

Superlad goes home and chats with Bo. But, of course, it’s not Bo. It’s Morph Lassagain. Great Scott, that woman’s fast!! She dumps the kryptonecklace on Superlad and throws him in the cellar, before morphing into Superlad and wandering off.

So now Superlad’s dying in his cellar. But luckily, this is where the spaceshiplives and it magically transforms the kryptonecklace into a worthless glass bauble.The Superlad Spaceship, proudly constructed by Deus Ex Machina Technologies.

While this has happened, Superlad/Morph Lass has tracked down Lana.

“Hey baby,” she says. “How about you and me get some rumpy-pumpy going?”

Which, you have to admit, is a pretty flawless imitation of Superlad dialogue.

Lana resists, through sheer force of habit, until the real Superlad showsup. The prospect of a menage a trois titillates Lana slightly, but notenough and a big fight ensues, which ends, predictably enough with MorphLass skewering herself on a passing pitchfork or some damn thing.

Her dying words: “Take care of Lana!”

Then: “Whatchu talkin’ ’bout Willis?”

No explanation offered for the latter.

And that’s pretty much it. Bo offers Superlad some words of wisdom (Superlad:”I wonder… if I didn’t have a ridiculous array of superpowers whether I’dgo fight in a war that’s been over for twenty years and die a pointless death?”Bo: “There is no doubt in our minds that you would.”) Sinead and Doc TotalBabekiss and make up. Or, at least, kiss. Sinead, smooth as smooth can be. Also, he’sapparently built an impenetrable wall around his heart. Which seems poorly thoughtout for a Sinead scheme. Oh yes, and somewhere in there, the audience was titillatedwith a Lana/TIAC caress - I think it was supposed to be Morph Lass emulating TIAC, butlet’s hope not, for the sake of future Sapphic plot options.

Next Week: A perfectly passable episode. 9 out of 14. Superlad, um, opens up a small trinket warehouse withthe aid of his spaceship?

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