THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 2
Score: 7.5 / 10 
10: An American Werewolf In Smallville
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
We start (as always) with a stereotypical wise old American Indian man being hassled by a security guard.
"Yo, Chief Running Water," says Security Guard. "Get outta here, you're trespassing!"
"How can I be trespassing when the eagle flies like a... um... brazen scoundrel?"
Security Guard doesn't understand the meaning of this, so shoos him off anyway and is punished for it by later being savaged by a giant white wolf. Also, the white wolf throws a Molotov cocktail as he leaves (or something) because everything explodes. Everthing, that is, other than the opening credits which surge into life.
Exciting stuff. Then it's over to Superlad and Good Ol' Pete riding through the woods on motorcycles. They are the All-New CHiPs. Good 'Ol Pete has bagsed being Eric Estrada which annoys Superlad no end. They ride over to the Luthercorp Evil Mining Facility for expository purposes ("Hey," says Superlad. "I heard there was a big explosion here last night". "Yes," says Good Ol' Pete. "Just before the credits ran.")
Then they ride back and Superlad falls down a giant rabbit hole into a cave complex.
Down the bottom of the rabbit hole is a girl called Alice. She is very impressed by Superlad's ability to fall 80 feet down a hole in the ground and not, like, die. She tells him a story about 'Naman' and shows him some cave paintings that illustrate it in a simpler comic book form so that Superlad can keep up.
It turns out that the comic book cave paintings tell the story of this Naman clown. He was prophesised to fall from the sky and would have the strength of ten men and shoot fire from his eyes.
"Ten men!" says Superlad. "Prrrffft!! Try, like a thousand. I can bend steel in my bare hands, lady. I'd like to see ten men do that."
"Also, he will rid the kingdom of that evil Mad Hatter!!" says Alice.
"And what about superspeed? I hate it when people forget about my superspeed."
Anyway, so Superlad invites Alice and her grandfather (Chief Running Water) over to dinner the next night. Alice agrees on the provision that there are no dormice. Superlad promises, much to Bo's fury.
Chief Running Water tells Superlad the story of the first Kryptonian to come to Earth and have sex with Native American women and how he then scampered back to the stars once he impregnated one. "We believe he was a sailor of some kind," says Chief Running Water.
Then Interesting Old Ma Kent is tricked into asking Porthos to stop destroying the Caves of Kryptonian History. "Oh, thanks a lot, Superlad," says Interesting Old Mad. "Way to put me on the spot."
And so rallies are organised. Superlad wields his exploitation abilities and now Lana and TIAC are starting riots and planting small bombs and the like. Porthos' Cave Destruction Facility will not go ahead if they have anything to do with it. Which, to be fair, they more or less don't.
Over at Luthor Manor, Porthos tries to encourage Sinead to join forces with him to make the cave destruction facility the best cave destruction facility the world has ever seen!
"Maybe I will... and maybe I won't," says Sinead. Shrewd.
Alice takes Superlad back down in the caves and shows him another cave-comic book. "This tells the secret history of Naman's best friend who turned to evil and initiated an ongoing battle between good and evil that defined the world in which they lived."
"Who's the chick with the norgs!?!"
"Hey never mind that!" says Superlad. "Who's the chick with the norgs!?!"
And he points to another cave-comic.
"This is the secret origin of Alice. She will make sweet, passionate love to Superlad... umm.. Naman and drown him in erotic ecstasy."
"Hmmm..." thinks Superlad.
"But don't forget the best friend who grows up to be a mortal enemy and nexus of evil."
"Yesh, yeah, yeah," says Superlad. "Whatever." And they suck face.
But then Porthos sets off an alarm clock at the police station and the Lazy Old Smallville Cops arrest Chief Running Water on a hastily cobbled-together charge of '2nd Degree Lycanthropy'.
This encourages Superlad to join forces with Sinead. "Yo, Sinead," says Superlad. "Why don't you bail out this crazy old werewolf Indian chief?"
"Why don't you show me the caves of Kryptonian history instead?"
So they wander down into the caves. "Look at this one," says Superlad. "Issue #64, The Revenge of Mxyzptlk!"
"Fascinating!!" says Sinead. "These cave-comics have changed my mind on the innocence of Chief Running Water. If Mr Mxyzptlk can make buildings come alive then anything is possible!!"
So Sinead offers to buy Porthos out of The Cave Destruction Facility.
"No way," says Porthos. "I may be a blind old man, but I'm not a stupid blind old man. If you want to buy the caves, there must be something cool down there. And I'm the coolest cat in town. Check out my glasses."
"Yes," says Sinead. "There is something cool in the caves. But you're blind, so you can't see them! So there!!" And he pokes his tongue out. "Oh," he eventually adds. "I'm poking my tongue out."
"Understood," says Porthos.
TIAC shows up because she's done nothing else so far and explains the premise of the plot, ie that Chief Running Water is a werewolf.
"Yes," says Superlad. "Obviously." He snorts at how little information TIAC has to offer.
"I just wanted to be on the show!" says TIAC.
"Why don't you go concoct an interesting subplot with Lana then."
"Why don't you go concoct an interesting subplot with Lana then," suggests Superlad. He wanders off.
Interesting Old Ma, who has been having the occasional run-ins with Chief Running Water is then confronted by a giant white wolf. She goes straight home and dobs. "Wow, that sucks," says Superlad. "But maybe it was some other werewolf."
Bo looks at him sternly.
"Oh, all right then," says Superlad, getting up and kicking the ground. "I'll go ruin everything with Alice then."
And he does. "Yo, Alice," says Superlad. "Your grandfather turned into a werewolf and attacked my ma. Wot's up with dat, bitch?"
Somehow, Alice takes offence to this and she scurries off.
Over to Luthor Mansion and now Porthos is being attacked by the big white wolf. It's always funny when blind people have to fight off ravenous wild animals - everybody knows and acknowledges this - and I'm thankful to the writers for concocting such a scene.
Before we can get maximum laughs out of it, though, Superlad shows up and interrupts. Werewolf jumps out of the glass window, cutting itself to shreds and then runs into the forest and turns back to a human with massive internal injuries.
Superlad chases and finds that the human with massive internal injuries was not Chief Running Water but, in fact, Alice! She dies.
"Well, shit!" says Superlad.
And that's pretty much it. The town of Smallville passes some kind of 'Comic Book Cave Preservation Law' and forces Porthos to shut down his Cave Destruction Facility. Interesting Old Ma becomes Boring again and quits working with Porthos. Chief Running Water seems curiously nonplussed about the death of his grand-daughter.
Oh, and TIAC and Lana come up with a subplot where Whit (remember Whit?) is missing in action.
"Is that really the best you can do?" says Superlad.
The girls nod weakly.
And that's it. A reasonably entertaining episode. Plenty of Porthos-Sinead interaction, which is always very funny. But not enough Lana and TIAC triangle turmoil for my tastes. Still, the blind man fighting a werewolf was worth the entrance fee alone. Let's give it a B minus and look forward to next week when, apparently, India take on Zimbabwe in a One-Day International Cricket match. Oh, Channel Nine, your dedication to the show is touching.
Begone,
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