THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 1
Score: 7.6 / 10 
8: You Do The Jitterbug
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
Opening scene is of some odd man telling his baby that he's off to hassle Porthos Luthor and find a cure for his most peculiar condition. Then he does some kind of hyper-jitterbug, shaking half the house before running out the window. Then he accidentally kills a security guard with some more jitterbug antics. What does all this mean??
Well, I have no idea just yet.
Instead, Bo and Ma Kent are off to Metropolis for the weekend to celebrate their anniversary. They're leaving Superlad in charge of the house, which would seem to make sense on the surface.
Superlad tells The Increasingly Annoying Chloe and Good Ol' Pete that he would like to have a small gathering of friends around for an evening of conversation and parlour games. In a twist that I defy anybody to have predicted, it ends up as an enormous party, full of debauchery and drunkenness.
In perhaps the noblest and most awe-inspiring utilisation of the Last Son of Krypton's powers ever portrayed in any media form (including movies, comics, television and Nintendo), Superlad uses his superspeed to grab a bowl for some young alcoholic to 'hurl' into. The mighty John Williams soundtrack from Superman: The Movie seemed to surge through my veins as I witnessed this (what a soundtrack would be doing in my veins I hesitate to speculate).
And then, of course, Sinead shows up and the sky lights with fireworks, much like the closing scene of Return of the Jedi. Ewoks dance and Vader is redeemed.
In Metropolis meanwhile, Ma and Bo Kent celebrate their anniversary. "Are you ever sorry you left Metropolis?" asks Bo. "A little," admits Ma. "But then I remember that a certain Duke brother once promised me that if I came to live in Smallville with him, we'd never be rich or famous or interesting or worthwhile or safe-driving or content or well thought of or sophisticated or groovy or trusted or continent. But he would always put up with my boringness."
"And I always have," yawns Bo.
Back at the party, Whit shows up and starts to do the possessive 'you'se my woman' thing with Lana. To her credit, she fights back and says "I'm allowed to sneak behind your back and go to a party thrown by this other guy who is incredibly hot for me. I'm a babe and I'll toy with as many men's minds as I like." And then she sings I Am Woman.
And then Jitterbug shows up in the barn, feeling a bit sickly. So off he goes to the hospital.
Next morning, Superlad dashes about at superspeed cleaning the house. But he's not fast enough, because Bo Kent, driving like the Duke brother he once was, has raced back to Smallville to ground Superlad for throwing such an awesome party and not inviting him.
"But Boring Old Ma would have ruined the vibe!" objects Superlad.
"True, true." And then he thinks more about grounding him, but then decides not to because he remembers that in all probability the lad can, in fact, fly. And besides, it's time for a completely different plotline.
"Superlad and the rest of his class are apparently off to visit Sinead's factory as part of a school project on 'how to create a convenient plot device'."
Superlad and the rest of his class are apparently off to visit Sinead's factory as part of a school project on 'how to create a convenient plot device'. Jitterbug has broken out of hospital (the lazy Smallville cops were eventually going to arrest him for murdering that security guard in Metropolis but didn't get there in time) and broken into the factory where he takes everybody hostage.
He is demanding to see Level 3, which is apparently some amazing dance club that exists under the factory. Apparently, Jitterbug used to work there, until he was bitten by a radioactive vibrator that gave him his jitterbug vibrating powers that are killing him. Nobody knows anything about Level 3, but Good Ol' Pete has scored some ecstasy, just in case. He taps his nose knowingly. Everybody ignores him.
In flies Porthos Luthor (in a helicopter I hasten to add). The SWAT leader explains the situation to him. "I don't see the problem," says Porthos. "Surely once he's killed the hostages we can kill him."
"Um, yes," says the SWAT leader. "Let's see what backup plans we can think of, though..."
In drives Sinead and the Kents. "What's this about a dance club in the basement of my factory?" demands Sinead, who hates to miss out on any aspect of the 'scene'.
Porthos denies any knowledge of the dance club, and claims that he doesn't even like dance music.
"Sinead dismisses this as an absurd lie. 'Everybody likes dance music!' he insists."
Sinead dismisses this as an absurd lie. "Everybody likes dance music!" he insists. And then starts to jive with Boring Old Ma Kent.
Back in the factory, stupid Whit has tried to topple Jitterbug and steal his gun. He tries to elicit Superlad's help but Superlad refuses to share any form of heroic glory so leaves Whit to fail stupidly. In the process, he also breaks a pipe, causing the factory to begin to fill with methane and fart gas.
That's enough for Sinead, who has been watching all this on his security cameras. Nobody scuffs up his factory. He marches in and tells Jitterbug to let everybody leave and he'll show him where the dance club is.
Everybody runs outside, except Sinead and Jitterbug.
As they leave, Porthos gives the order to lock the doors, trapping the gas inside. Superlad, eager to learn more about the Smallville rave scene, changes his mind and runs back inside just before the doors close.
The doors lock. "Superlad is trapped in there," says Bo Kent to Porthos.
"Well, I can't open the doors," says Porthos. "Do you know what will happen if a factory's worth of fart juice escapes??"
"But our son is trapped," says Boring Old Ma.
"So's mine," says Porthos. "Not to worry. We can always make more."
And then Superlad breaks down a wall and finds Level 3, but, sadly, there's no music, no dancing, nothing.
Jitterbug is enraged. "I have these amazing moves and nobody is here to SEE IT!!" And then jitterbugs, causing some kind of catwalk thing to vibrate and fall and everybody to just about plummet to their death except Superlad instead pulls the two of them up to safety.
"How did you pull us both up?" asks Sinead.
"Just super-strength, given to me by being raised under a yellow sun rather than the red sun of the planet Krypton," replies Superlad, then covers his mouth. "Oops! Um, I mean, it was done with mirrors."
Phew, he thinks, that was close.
Sinead's eyes narrow.
And that's about it. Superlad turns the fart gas off and they wander outside.
A fine episode without a single car crash. I think we are meant to infer that when Bo drove back from Metropolis like a maniac there were crashes everywhere in his wake. Implied car accidents. Bold new territory for this fine show.
Next week: Nothing. Channel Nine shows idiots swimming back and forth in a swimming pool instead.
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 7.6 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
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