THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 1
Score: 7.5 / 10 
6: Sinead Kills A Blind Old Woman
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
We're at one of those places where old people gather - not a cemetery, the one before that - a nursing home. Why? Well, because Lana's there being a goody-goody girl and Superlad has obediently followed like the lust-crazed dog he is. (And, of course, boring old Pete has followed him but that's not important... or is it?!?!?? No.)
Lana is told to look after some old guy in a wheelchair while Clark and Pete are designated babysitters for a blind old woman. The blind old woman takes Pete's hand and says 'you will lose something sometime'. And she's right! Because Pete has lost his car keys!!
Superlad is astonished. "You can see the present!" he says.
"Future, too," assures the blind old bat.
And then she takes Superlad's hand and says "Somebody close to you will die this episode!"
"Well, you're closest to me right now. You're touching me."
"Not physically close, you dufus. Emotionally close."
"Oh."
Opening credits roll.
Meanwhile, out the front, Lana has ducked off to freshen her pom-poms and the poor old guy she was looking after falls into a pond and drowns.
Except that he doesn't drown because the lake has Kryptonite in it and he is therefore de-aged into Jim Carrey and wanders off. The police question Lana about the gross negligence leading to the criminal manslaughter of the old man but once she explains about her pom-poms they shrug their shoulders and let her off.
Meanwhile, Superlad is turning into a worry-wart. He's back at the farm chastising Bo and Ma Kent for having a chainsaw fight.
"Hey, you guys," he says. "Be careful."
"Listen to the super-weenie," mocks Bo, before executing a brilliant turning sidekick with chainsaw follow-through that Ma only parries at the very last second.
The Smallville cops by this stage are really pissed off because they've just been told that, like so many of the elderly these days, the old Jim Carrey guy was a psychotic mass-murdering pianist. So they go hassle Lana again until she reminds them about her pom-poms.
Superlad has by now joined Pete and TIAC at a cafe.
"That insane blind old woman told me that somebody I was close to would die this episode," he said. "So, be careful Pete."
"What about me?" says TIAC.
"She meant emotionally close," clarifies Pete. Superlad nods.
"...he starts complaining about Prohibition and the impending Second World War."
Seated just across from them is the young Jim Carrey who is stalking the waitress and speaking in stilted 30s lingo. Nobody picks up on this, not even when he starts complaining about Prohibition and the impending Second World War.
Back to the old person's home where Superlad is lining up for another check of his future. "You will wear glasses that make you unrecognisable to even your closest friends. Red and blue are your colours, you will bring capes back into fashion and you will be head of the Justice League." Superlad ignores all this as meaningless trivia, so Blind Old Bat throws out a ripsnorter "You will also outlive everybody you know because you are super-invulnerable and immortal."
"Don't worry," she adds. "I won't tell anybody your secret."
Superlad, thinking she's talking about his stack of girlie books, is relieved and runs back to the farm for some quality time alone.
Then who comes driving around the corner in typical Smallville, manic fashion but Sinead. Superlad admonishes his dangerous driving and tells him about Blind Old Bat.
"Ru-eeeeeeeeeeeeeally?" says Lex, and scampers off.
By now, young Jim Carrey has killed a couple of people.
Sinead doesn't care. He's visiting Blind Old Bat and asking her questions about Superlad. "What's his secret?" he asks, for despite his wealth, his porn collection is substandard.
But Blind Old Bat won't tell, not even for hundreds of thousands of dollars.
"What's with you Smallville hicks?" asks an enraged Sinead. "Why don't any of you want to be bribed by my immeasurable fortune?!?"
Elsewhere, TIAC has got ahold of this week's script again and explained to Pete and Lana and Superlad about how young Jim Carrey is really old Jim Carrey and he's about to murder the waitress that he's been stalking.
Superlad dashes off, rescues her, gets run over by a dangerous-driving truck, gets up, beats up young Jim Carrey and deposits him in hospital.
Of course, the next day when the lazy old Smallville cops can be bothered checking him out, he has reverted to old Jim Carrey so they let him go because, ludicrously, in the town of Smallville, ageing is not a felony.
"Then Superlad and Sinead have a chat about the day Superlad kissed him."
Then Superlad and Sinead have a chat about the day Superlad kissed him.
"I think about that day often," admits Sinead.
"It was mouth-to-mouth," says Superlad. "You drove your car off the bridge, remember? I rescued you!"
"Yes, so you say," agrees Sinead. "But there's something very suspect about all this and I'm not going to rest until I work out what it is." And he heads off for a nap.
"Well, I don't have time for this," says Superlad. "Jim Carrey's probably de-aged himself again and is trying to kill my parents by now."
Which is exactly what's happened. But Ma Kent has fought him off in some form of silo and crushed them both with wheat. Not the greatest of plans, but Superlad rectifies the most obvious flaw by rescuing her from being crushed to death.
Sinead has headed off to visit Blind Old Bat and see his future. Blind Old Bat takes his hand and sees a chilling vision of Sinead in a pristine white suit that is eventually ruined by one of those tiresome downpours of blood.
This is too much for Blind Old Bat and she promptly croaks.
"See," says Superlad, dashing back there. "I told you she'd be the one to die. She was the closest. Emotionally close, my super-butt."
And that's all. Thrilling stuff to see Sinead in the bright white suit. Hopefully his drycleaner will eventually be able to remove the blood-drenching stains.
I give it four stars (Tom Hanks, Harrison Ford, Julia Roberts and, controversially, Nick Nolte) and look forward to
Next week: Actually not on next week because of some ludicrous IQ special, but the week after that, some fat chick will become thin and beautiful in a stunning tribute to the film 'Shallow Hal'
Begone,
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