THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 1
Score: 7.5 / 10 
4: Everybody Loves Lana
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
Another Smallvilleriffic episode in the bank.
We begin, eerily enough, in a bank. A brash young Sinead Luthor strides in and asks the bank manager if he can withdraw all his money. 'Withdraw money?' says the bank manager, baffled by such an anti-bank philosophy. He then asks for the requisite signatures and blood samples and a small piece of DNA from behind the ear for the bank's records. When these don't check out (the blood sample proved to be nothing more than red cordial!) the bank manager gets suspicious. He becomes even more suspicious when Sinead pulls a gun, steals the money and flees down the street, knocking Superlad through a shop window.
But it turns out that it's not Sinead at all! It's some spooky chick who used morphing technology to turn herself into Sinead. Her mother disapproves of this, believing that morphing causes cancer and rickets and N'Sync. The mother tells Morph Lass to take the money back to the bank and apologise. There's some push and shove and somehow a car must have been involved because suddenly an accident ensues and the mother falls down some stairs and dies. Whoops!
Anyway, it turns out that Sinead's off the hook because he had an alibi at a Young Supervillain's Convention, so the Smallville police give up on this case. Far too hard, says the chief, and has a bit of a doze.
Meanwhile, Superlad is in Gym Class, climbing ropes. From what I can gather from years of watching American TV, Gym Class consists solely of young lads playing basketball and dodge ball, then doing laps and climbing ropes until the girls come in from outside and walk past them cutely on the way to the showers. So yep, Pete and Superlad are climbing. Suddenly, Superlad starts seeing through good ol' Pete's head. Overcome with revulsion at the sight of Pete's brain, Superlad falls to the ground. He then looks up and sees through the wall into the girl's change rooms. 'Well, okay,' he thinks. Finally!
So that night he explains to Bo and Ma Kent that he can see through things every now and then, sort of like an X-Ray. 'Yep,' says Bo. 'That's X-Ray Vision'.
'That would explain it,' says Superlad, nodding in satisfaction.
Bo offers to help Superlad train his X-Ray Vision. 'Look at my fist,' he says. 'And tell me what you see.'
As Superlad peers almightily, trying to control this exciting new power that will eventually enable him to perve on any chick he desires, Bo Kent punches him in the nose. 'Ha haha' says Bo. 'Got you a good one! Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!'
Oooohhhh, thinks Superlad. You just wait until I develop Heat Vision.
"Maybe they should just change the name of the show to 'Everybody Loves Lana'"
Meanwhile, Morph Lass apparently thinks Lana's cool and is hanging around with her all the time and wants to be her best friend and be just like her. Sheesh! Superlad, Whit, Insect Boy, Morph Lass. Maybe they should just change the name of the show to Everybody Loves Lana, become a very average sitcom and be done with it. But no, instead they dangerously motor on with the current format.
The Smallville cops may have given up on the bank robbery what with their slack-ass attitude and all, but I'll tell you who hasn't given up! Yep, boring old Ma Kent. She goes a-wandering into Morph Lass's Mum's Antique Shop, spies wads of cash strewn everywhere and starts getting rather suspicious. She gets even more suspicious when Morph Lass starts speaking to her in groovy teen lingo, saying things like 'radical' and 'DVD'. Hmmm, she thinks, is this just Morph Lass pretending to be her dead mother by using her eerie morphing powers? Nahhhh... that's crazy talk.
And then she goes out of the shop and there's some kind of car accident with a truck almost running her over, so she knows everything's back to normal.
Also, Sinead is being hassled by some punk journalist looking to publish his wayward juvenile delinquency history in a thrilling 12-part expose. (Apparently, Sinead once was quite the hell-raiser on the world badminton circuit, shuttling his cock precisely where it wasn't wanted.) Well, I don't think Sinead's going to put up with this insidious blackmail, now is he?
Anyway, Superlad deduces that Morph Lass is capable of morphing into people and is causing all the trouble. 'It's her name, people!' he says, before dobbing on her to the layabout Smallville cops, who finally have to get off their butt and go hassle somebody. 'Sheesh,' says one. 'Go back to the Planet Krypton, ya troublemaker,' says the other.
Naturally, Morph Lass responds to the reluctant hassling from the cops by popping over to the Kent barn, pretending to be Lana. She says 'howdy' to Superlad before planting a big wet one on him. Cool, thinks Superlad, then before he can get his pantaloons off, is staggered to see that it's not Lana at all, but rather Morph Lass who throws him through the wall. Oh, bugger, he thinks, 'cause, while Lana's his chickie, that doesn't mean he's not willing to settle.
"Cunning old Sinead, meanwhile, has turned the tables on the punk journalist..."
Cunning old Sinead, meanwhile, has turned the tables on the punk journalist and made him his bitch. "Now go find out why this town's driving standards are so terrifyingly substandard," he orders. "Yessir," says punk journalist. "Do a good job and I'll promote you to henchman, second class," says Sinead. "Yippee!" says punk journalist, tapping his feet together in joy and running off.
Morph Lass has now tracked down Lana talking to her dead mother again (forgot to mention, Lana has discovered that her mother hated Smallville (it wasn't established why exactly but I assume it has something to do with her irrational aversion to giant Green Kryptonite asteroids falling on the town and killing her) and so she (Lana) is all cross with her Aunt for some reason). Morph Lass, cunningly disguised as Good Ol' Whit, shoves Lana into a convenient nearby coffin.
Luckily Superlad shows up, the usual end of show biffo occurs (ie fight, brief burst of Kryptonite slows Superlad down, Kryptonite goes away, Superlad wins fight) and there we are. The Increasingly Annoying Chloe also appears and gives Lana a cassette recording of her mother's 'I Hate Smallville' Rally.
'I have a dream,' it begins. 'A dream of a town where giant kryptonite asteroids don't fall from the sky and kill people or transform them into insect people or morphaloids--' and then is suddenly replaced by a recording the Increasingly Annoying Chloe had made of The Knack live in concert, singing My Sharona!
Ma Kent notices Superlad staring poignantly at Lana being comforted by Good Ol' Whit. 'You really like her, don't you?' says Ma. 'Well, duh,' says Superlad, trying desperately to get his X-Ray Vision in fully functioning mode again. 'Ma, what would you do if you could see anything?' he asks. 'Learn to close my eyes,' she says, profoundly.
Pshaw! thinks Superlad. As if!! I'm getting me some nuddie perving.
And the credits roll...
Another fine episode, with the introduction of X-Ray Vision promising exciting new boundaries. I give it an X for eXcellent and look very much forward to:
Next week: Everybody gets cold.
Begone,
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