THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 1
Score: 7.5 / 10 
21: Let's Twist Again Like We Did Last Summer
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane!!
No, it's everybody's favourite billionaire father, funny old Porthos Luthor, flying in via helicopter to address the cast and crew of Smallville on this, the season finale.
He begins promisingly enough. "You have all been magnificent throughout the entire series," he says. "The very entertaining performance of Kevin Arnold's dad early on, hurling flame through sprinklers. Sinead's British Babe who somehow managed to be attacked by an invisible person while in a bathtub and yet not show us any of her naughty bits. Don't know how you managed it, British Babe, but kudos to you! The kid who telekinetically hurled a car at the principal, killing him. Magnificently vicious stuff. And, of course, so many more... including, especially, the stunt drivers. You all have my congratulations."
He continues. "However, the star of this show, my son Sinead, has performed abysmally and therefore, alas, the show is cancelled - effective in... (he looks at his watch) 55 minutes..."
Everybody gasps in horror as Porthos runs off. (Most notably Superlad, who was under the mistaken impression that he was the star of the show...) Sinead confronts his father. "Porthos, I've been a triumph in this show and you damn well know it. Why are you cancelling us?"
"Because it's time for you to leave and return with me. I've come up with a new show for us to star in. It's called Touched By A Luthor."
Sinead gasps.
Opening credits roll.
Word swiftly spreads about the cancellation of the show and TIAC, in particular, is rather upset, because she's expended a lot of time and energy to get advance copies of scripts and for what? Nothing. So she's a bit cross and threatening to leave.
Elsewhere, Whit has also reacted poorly, by deciding to join the Navy. He takes Lana for a perfectly prepared picnic (Whit's family has a long history in the picnic-preparation field) and tells her about his naval plans.
"Where did this idea come from??" says Lana, shocked.
"From the medals I found in last week's episode that my father won," says Whit. "I thought it would be manly to emulate him."
"You liar, Whit. You've just been watching Village People video clips again, haven't you?"
"Okay, you got me. But will you promise to wait for your macho man to return?"
Lana declines to answer, on the grounds that Whit is clearly an idiot.
Superlad has popped over to visit Sinead and offer his support.
"Hey, Sinead," he says. "I don't know what Porthos is on about. I always thought you were fantastic on the show."
"Yes," agrees Sinead. "Yes I was."
Superlad sees the piece of spaceship that Sinead found last episode, sitting on Sinead's desk.
"Cool piece of spaceship," he says.
Sinead, distracted, looks up. "Hmmmm??"
"Paperweight," says Superlad, hurriedly. "Cool paperweight."
Then Superlad goes home and gets in the family truck which immediately explodes. "Oh, bollocks," thinks Superlad. A lot of people had grown more comfortable with their motor vehicles following Sinead's 'Drive Safely' decree, forgetting how dangerous they could be. But, sooner or later, once Sinead revoked the decree, things were bound to deteriorate once more...
Superlad, gets out, takes his burning shirt off (thereby providing a thrill for the female (and certain male - don't want to go all homophobic on you) fans out there... hi girls (yes, yes... hi gay guys too)) and wanders inside to get a fresh one. "Truck exploded," he says to Bo as he passes.
"'Oh bollocks,' says Bo. 'Not the General Custer!'"
"Oh bollocks," says Bo. "Not the General Custer!"
However, the slimy reporter from previous episodes has witnessed this explosion and videotaped it. He cackles menacingly, apparently oblivious to the 'now you're gonna die' curse that has attached itself to everybody who has become privy to Superlad's secret powers.
Then Superlad's off to visit Lana who reveals that Whit is off to join the Navy. "Ruh-eally???" says Superlad, ears pricking up like a well-trained canine.
Next day everybody hears about Whit's departure. There are strange murmurings - 'I didn't know he liked the Village People' 'Is he going to be the Indian or the biker?' 'Do the milkshake, the milkshake, do the shake' etc.
But most upset is TIAC. She turns to Superlad. "Promise me that the second Whit leaves you won't just discard me in the middle of the prom dance floor to save Lana from a tornado that has sprung out of nowhere."
"I promise," lies Superlad. And then lies some more. "I'm going to the prom with you because I want to do so. You're not a backup option..."
TIAC smiles wanly and clutches her script, hoping against hope for a rewrite that ain't gonna be forthcoming.
Back to Luthor Mansion and the reporter has told Sinead that Superlad has a really cool secret and that he will show Sinead the videotape tomorrow night, admission $10. Sinead ignores him. He has bigger fish to clam-bake and better ways of spending $10.
For he has gathered key members of the crew around and proposed a buy-out of the show. All that they have to do is give him all their money. This seems like a good plan to the crew members, so they take out a second mortgage and hand over their dosh to Sinead.
Porthos shows up again and says 'aha! I know what you're trying to do, Sinead... but I'm far too wily for that. I've bought up the Smallville Drug and Alcohol Abuse Clinic! What are the crew members going to do when they're all smacked off their faces now??'
Sinead glowers furiously.
Then it's prom night and Sinead heads over to visit Superlad, tying his bow tie with the skill and aplomb we've come to expect from Sinead.
"You know, Superlad," he says. "The best thing about our friendship is the fact that we have always been open and honest with one another."
"Yes," says Superlad, willing to prolong this strange fantasy.
"But remember," continues Sinead. "No matter how brutally I tear apart your family, life and darkest secrets over the next few days, I'll always be your friend."
"Okey-doke," says Superlad.
"It's all very moving until Whit suddenly breaks into 'The Robot'."
Over at the prom, Whit's getting ready to head off. He and Lana dance sadly on the empty dance floor. It's all very moving until Whit suddenly breaks into 'The Robot'.
TIAC comes and picks up Superlad. Superlad has a bit of a look and decides that if he's going to settle, he's settled pretty well. She may be increasingly annoying, but she ain't too foul. They head promward.
Sleazy reporter steals the spare bit of the spaceship and then breaks into the Kent's barn and finds the rest of the spaceship. "Coool..." he says, especially when the spare bit flies out of his hand and magically re-attaches itself to the appropriate spot on the ship.
At the mansion, Porthos has returned. He's angry because Sinead has found some spare cash in the bottom of one of his shoes and now has enough money to buy the show and the Alcohol and Drug Abuse Clinic.
Back to the prom, Whit is about to leave but takes Superlad aside beforehand. "We've had a funny series, Superlad. At first, I thought you were hot for Lana and so I nailed you to a cross in an attempt to kill you. Hahaha!! But I now think that was wrong of me. While I'm gone, will you take care of Lana?"
"By 'take care' do you mean..." asks Superlad, making thrusting motions with his hips.
"No, you idiot!" And Whit and Lana drive off to the bus stop, where Whit boards a greyhound (sadly, one of the bus greyhounds) and leaves.
Into the prom we go, and the band is playing the theme song of the show. Rather thoughtful of them. The lead singer is bald and, at first, you think 'Hey, Sinead's returned to his roots' but then you look a bit closer and realise that it is instead some other bald singer like Michael Stipe or Shania Twain (oh come on! her hair's not real) or the late Peter Garrett or... could it possibly be...?
It is! "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt," sings Right Said Fred, perhaps referring to Superlad's earlier shenanigans.
Then Superlad slips Right Said Fred $20 to play TIAC's favourite song.
"Come on, everybody, clap your hands, ah you're looking good," they begin. "I'm gonna sing my song and it won't take long, we're gonna do the twist and it goes like this...."
And before you can say 'Auntie Em, Auntie Em!' (or 'Helen Hunt! Helen Hunt!' for you younger kiddies) twisters erupt all over Smallville.
Bo drags Boring Old Ma off to the Twister Barn where the sleazy reporter is hiding. Bo sees him and starts to fight him. Sleazy Reporter gets up and runs into the tornado storm. Bo heads off in hot pursuit. "Don't go, Bo," says Boring Old Ma. "I have to," says Bo. "He knows everything!!" "Everything??" thinks Ma. "Wow. He must have an IQ of, like, a billion!"
And then the spaceship starts itself up and starts to hover above the ground. "Well, that's interesting," thinks Boring Old Ma. (Admittedly, Boring Old Ma finds continental drift interesting but I think she has a point here...)
Over at Luthor Mansion, Sinead and Porthos are yelling at one another when the storm blows in and knocks things over, pinning Porthos down and threatening to impale him on a collapsed beam! "Sinead! Help!" says Porthos. Sinead looks at him and smirks.
Following her oddly tearful farewell to Whit and the greyhound, Lana is driving back and, in a fitting end to the series, crashes the car. She gets out, sees the twisters coming to get her, and gets back in again.
Then, just as TIAC and Superlad are about to make out on the dance floor, there's a message at the prom that the twisters are here. TIAC turns her back to check the script, and Superlad takes the opportunity to dash off. He shows up to Lana just in time to see the tornado pick her car up and hurl her away.
And that is where we end!!
Egad! Talk about hanging off a cliff!!
Possibly the finest season finale I've ever seen. But also highly maddening. I guess we'll just have to wait until next series to find out what happens. Will Sinead realise how much he'd miss the fencing with Porthos and rescue him? Will Superlad finally realise that he can fly? (I mean, come on, Superlad, all Kryptonians can fly. Supergirl, General Zod, David Copperfield... it's an innate gift. Just try it already, you weenie!) Will Bo track down the sleazy reporter and savagely butcher him with a brutality not witnessed since the rarely-seen episode of The Dukes of Hazzard when the Duke brothers murdered Sherriff Roscoe P Coltrane in cold blood?
Let's hope so! I'll see you all next series to find out. Of course, I'm not sure how the heck I'm going to get through all the Summer TV rubbish until then. Am I supposed to get my teen soap fix from those idiots at Dawson's Creek?? Sheesh. Things look grim... so, somebody saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave me... don't care how you do it, just saaaaave me....
Begone,
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