THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 1
Score: 7.6 / 10 
2: A Tribute To Kafka
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
We begin with some nerd video-taping Lana without her knowledge. Nerd boy is caught by his mother in this behaviour so responds naturally enough by grabbing his radioactive bug collection and driving off down the road.
Of course, he immediately crashes the car. It is becoming increasingly clear that the Smallville driving instructors are cutting an awful lot of corners in their teaching. Nerd boy is then eaten by his radioactive bugs which, in turn, transforms him into a bug, precisely as the laws of nature dictate.
So then we're at the town fair. Superlad is still cross at Big Stupid Football Player for the crucifixion prank of the previous episode. (Big Stupid Football Player's name is 'Whitney', BTW. I can only assume he's named after Mike Whitney, the former left arm Australian fast bowler) Whit says to Superlad - "hey, y'know, nailing you to a cross was just a bit of fun. Now can I have Lana's krypto-necklace back?" Superlad says "Nope. I dropped it in the corn. Sorry." and runs off giggling.
Bug Boy has also shown up and asks Lana out on a study date. "Sure," she says, because she's a little bit trampy. Whit sneaks up behind Bug Boy and tells him to buzz off. (ha-ha! Geddit?). Meanwhile, good ol' Lex 'Sinead' Luthor sees Superlad pining for Lana and says 'Hoo-boy, what a hottie!' and promises to help get her panties off.
So Whit is driving home and guess what happens? Yes, that's right, he crashes his car. His excuse is that Bug Boy jumped out of a tree with his super-grasshopper powers and sort of kicked the car over. However, I maintain that with a proper defensive driving technique he could have dealt with the situation better. Damn you, Smallville driving instructors! Damn you and your lacklustre teaching!!
"...BTW, I woke up flying this morning.' Pa says 'well, okay.'"
Luckily, Superlad and his parents are not far away so Superlad runs over to the car and rescues Whit. He also bears the brunt of a massive car explosion effortlessly. They head home where Pa Kent says 'pretty cool super-invulnerability there, lad'. Superlad says 'Thanks, Pa. Oh, BTW, I woke up flying this morning.' Pa says 'well, okay.'
Sinead then sneaks into Lana's stables, makes some telling hoof-gait insight about her horse and then spills the beans about Whit's crucifixion of Superlad. He doesn't spell it out in detail (he's far too cunning and bald for that) but he writes it down in a series of pictograms for her to figure out. I must confess that I'm beginning to like Sinead and his sly ways.
He then meets up with Superlad and makes fun of him for saving everybody's life. He also pulls out a table-top model of the Trojan wars to illustrate his theory that seducing Lana is like an epic Grecian war. I didn't quite follow the logic here but I think it somehow revolved around Trojan condoms. He also gives Superlad the kryptonite necklace (in a convenient lead-lined box) and tells him that he should just give this to Lana and she'll love him. Why she would fall in love with an irradiated, green-glowing dying person is left as an exercise for the viewer.
So Lana meets up with Superlad and tells him that she's not sure whether she likes Whit any more and that if only she had her kryptonite necklace back she might be able to think more clearly about who she gives her cheerleading bod to. Superlad is tempted but, y'know, wary of the death thing. Lana goes on to say that the necklace is irreplacable as it is made of the asteroid that killed her parents. 'Huh?' says Superlad.
"Chloe apparently has access to a script as she guesses with uncanny accuracy the origin of Bug Boy..."
Bug Boy finds out about Lana and Superlad's meeting and so attacks Superlad and Pa in their barn. He is beaten up by Superlad and hops away. Superlad, not sure where Bug Boy came from immediately goes to visit Chloe who is the blonde friend whose name I couldn't remember in the previous episode. Chloe apparently has access to a script as she guesses with uncanny accuracy the origin of Bug Boy and, furthermore, the rationale and scientific basis for his bug powers. They then break into his house and find a) the candid nude Lana videos and b) Bug Boy's dead mother.
Superlad then teams up with Whit to go rescue Lana who has been kidnapped by Bug Boy and taken to the ol' Kryptonite Mill. 'Oh bugger,' says Superlad when he realises this but after a few minutes of getting the snot kicked out of his irradiated butt, he fashions a lead apron which protects him from the K and then beats up bug boy eventually crushing him and turning him into a million cockroaches.
Unfortunately for Superlad, Whit has had the good sense to rescue Lana rather than waste time fighting Bug Boy and so she's decided to go home with him. Superlad sees this and inexplicably decides to anonymously return her Kryptonite death necklace. What a quitter. Sinead would be so cross.
And that's where we end. Another fine episode. Sinead is starting to cook - I like his conniving style. I'll give it another B+ and see what happens next week.
Next week: Well, we had Armageddon in episode one and The Fly in episode two. Episode three sees a loving tribute to Firestarter with the school football coach developing thrilling pyromanic powers. Also, somebody crashes a car!
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 7.6 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
If it should be higher, click the green arrow:
And if you think it should be lower, try the red one:
To receive this kind of stuff via a convenient regular email, visit the subscription page
Or don't. I'm not the boss of you.
