Dan Liebke’s Astonishing Tales

I am quite certainthat Channel Nine is trying to kill me.They have managed to put onback-to-back episodes of Smallville,skilfully forcing me to providecorresponding back-to-back SmallvilleFiles. If I get details of the next twoepisodes mixed up then Ibeseech you to forgive my addledmind.

We open the firstepisode with Parker Lewis (from theformer hit show Parker Lewis Can’tLose, of course) talking to Sinead whois inexplicably hanging upsidedown from the roof of somedeserted warehouse. At first you mightthink that Sinead is laying thegroundwork for perhaps eventuallybecoming Batman, but alas no. Thatother showpony teen billionaire Waynehas copyrighted that notion, so itturns out instead that Sinead is beingheld at gunpoint by a furious youngParker Lewis who demands to know thetruth about what happened three yearsago.

‘Gee,’ says Sinead.’Everybody was talking about Y2K, andinnumerate people were being hassled bypedantic nerds about when themillennium was due to begin and/or end.Steve Waugh led the Australiancricket team to an amazingagainst-the-odds victory in the WorldCup and–’

‘No,’ says ParkerLewis. ‘I’m talking about the night atthe nightclub.’

‘Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,’ says Sineadand wiggles back and forth in order tosimulate us going back in time toSinead’s wild past where he waspartying like it was 1999. He’s therewith some bimbo who is engaged tosomebody else, namely Parker Lewis. Ofcourse, Parker is at the nightclub too,floozing about with other youngladies. His fiancee sees this,bursts into tears and runs off throughthe nightclub. Sinead smirks. Parker isangry because he knows that Sineadbrought his fiancee there deliberately.’Hehehe,’ giggles Sinead and runs afterParker’s fiancee. Parker runs too, thenpulls a knife on Sinead and then thesecurity guard shoots Parker dead.

Cut back to thepresent day and the (apparentlyrisen from the dead) ParkerLewis doesn’t believe thisstory at all. ‘Tell the truth,’ hesays.

(Somewhat eerily, inthe early days of Buffy and Charmed,hoping to cash in on the supernaturalphenomenon, I once proposed a revivalof Parker in a show called ParkerLewis Can’t Die (if you’re atelevision producer interested in thisor my other spinoff idea (aspinoff from The Cosby Show calledTheo Needs Crack), please contactme for details). So the notion ofan undead Parker Lewis is one that I’mhighly comfortable with.)

Sinead refuses totell the truth so Parker pullsthe trigger and BANG! Openingcredits.

Lots of detail therefor just the opening credit scene butit’s okay, because it’s theonly important scene in theshow. The rest of the show isjust this:

Cut back to threedays before the kidnapping.

Parker Lewisruns around town … pouringradioactive porridge on the Kents’cows

Parker Lewis runsaround town freaking Sinead out withhis shenanigans, delivering severedhands in the mail, pouring radioactiveporridge on the Kents’ cows, and justgenerally being really freakyand undead.

Sinead begins to losehis renowned cool and even discards thefencing outfit in favour of a bit ofboxing action on the ol’ bag. (I’mtalking about a punching bag here,as opposed to Boring Old MaKent. Obviously.)

Superlad is curiousand hypocritical, following Sineadaround goin’ ‘So what’s the story withParker Lewis, huh Sinead? Huh? Is ittrue that he can’t lose? Areyou sure he’s not just a Ferris Buellerrip-off? Huh, Sinead, huh?’and Sinead saying ‘Hey, buddy, you everheard of a private life?’. Andobviously he has, because Superlad isgetting annoyed with TIAC because sheis annoying him (duh!) by asking allkinds of detailed questions about hisadoption and stuff as part of a schoolproject on ‘Uncovering WhichOne Of Your Classmates Was Born On ThePlanet Krypton’

Lana’s doing nothingof interest. Just opening her sillycinema/cafe thing.

Good Ol’ Pete isgloating about how he’s somehowmanaged to get a date with a hotbabe for the prom.

Boring Old Ma isgetting a bit worried about Sinead’ssordid past and how somebody like anundead Parker Lewis might fit into it.Bo has, of course, always been worriedabout Sinead’s sordid past. But, alsoof course, more worried about hissordid future where Sinead becomes thegreatest criminal mastermind the worldhas ever seen. Bo is notpsychic. He is just wellread.

And then Sinead iskidnapped and strung upside down by theundead Parker. Foolishly, Sinead startsyelling.

‘Help me.Somebody help me!’ hecries.

nobody’s abigger fan of Sinead than me, but hereally needs to lift his gamehere.

Which is all wrong.The song goes ‘Somebody saveme’ Sinead. Or, to be more precise,‘Somebodysaaaaa-aaaaaaaaa-aaaaaave me’.Don’t you even listen to your ownopening credits? Shame on you. I hateto say it, because nobody’s a biggerfan of Sinead than me, but he reallyneeds to lift his game here.

Then we redo theopening scene again (because itwas so good the first timearound) and it is revealedthat it wasn’t the security guard whokilled Parker in the nightclub back in’99, it was, rather, Sinead himselfwith the security guard taking the rapbecause that’s the kind of securityguard he is.

And then some morenonsense with TIAC apologising toSuperlad about her nosiness re: hisadoption (she had asked Bo and BoringOl’ Ma about some of the incongruitiesof the paperwork with regards to theadoption, ie ‘Reason forBiological Parents Giving Baby Up:Planet Exploded’, that kind ofstuff, and Bo and Boring Ol’ Ma kindaummed and ahhed about it before saying’hey, look!’ and then running off whenTIAC’s back was turned) and Superladand TIAC teaming up to deduce thatParker was undead and then Superladdashing off to rescue Sinead.

And so we repeat theopening scene one last time, hear the’BANG!’ as the gun is firedapparently into Sinead’s baldnoggin by the undead ParkerLewis but no! All is not as it seems.Parker has been shot dead bysome other guy, who turns out to beParker’s fiancee’s dad who hates Sineadbecause Parker’s fiancee committedsuicide and Sinead is to blame. Oh, andalso Parker isn’t really undead. It’sjust a Parker lookalike that Parker’sfiancee’s father found and somehowconvinced he should kidnap Sinead.

Obviousreally, no?

But it all makessense at the end when Sinead revealsthat in fact it wasn’t him orthe security guard who shot Parker(the original Parker, not theParker lookalike who has just beenshot) it was, instead,Parker’s fiancee and that’s why shecommitted suicide. Well, Parker’sfiancee’s father won’t listen to a wordof this, or perhaps he is simplybaffled by the convoluted nature of theplot, so he goes to shoot Sinead whoslickly leaps backward over thebalcony.

Superlad shows up,kicks a couch under Sinead, dashes up,knocks out Parker’s fiancee’s dad, goesto check on Sinead and saves the day.And that is that.

A highlyconfusing but entertainingepisode. I give it(8+5/2×4/5-6)x(5×5-(97-89))%

This is where I’dordinarily say ‘Next week’ but instead,I’ll just say ‘next episode’ and try and churn something outsoonerish rather than laterish as thekidnap-a-thon on Smallville continueswith both TIAC and Lana napped in akiddish fashion.

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