THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 1
Score: 6.9 / 10 
15: TIAC Goes For Subtlety
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
No mucking about. Time (and a certain lack of muckfulness) is of the essence.
We open with some creepy kid at a pawn shop, pawning a golden pawn from a chess set. The pawnbroker declares it the finest pawn that he has ever seen and offers the young lad $60 or a collection of quality porn in exchange for his pawn. The kid pawns the pawn for money rather than porn, which makes the pawnbroker forlorn.
He's even more forlorn when the creepy kid uses his telepathic powers (he has telepathic powers - should have mentioned that) to tell his wicked stepfather and stepmother the combination to the safe. WSF and WSM go rob the pawn store. Creepy Kid takes the opportunity to run into the path of an oncoming car. (This is Smallville, people... if somebody's running across the road, somebody else will hit them.) In the first interesting thing she's ever done, it turns out that Boring Old Ma Kent is the driver.
Boringly, however, she simply takes the Creepy Kid to hospital.
But when nobody shows up to claim Creepy Kid, the Kents decide to take him home and look after him. Superlad immediately teaches him to play basketball. "Check out my jump shot!" says Superlad, leaping a tall building in a single bound before slam-dunking with vigour.
"Superlad," yells Bo. "Remember what we discussed about secret identities and the non-flaunting of the superhuman capabilities."
"Yes, Pa," says Superlad, slinking off. "Sorry..."
Meanwhile, Porthos Luthor has had a brilliant idea! He has seen the power that Sinead wields over Smallville and its traffic patterns and decides that Sinead belongs back in Metropolis where his 'Drive Safely' message could really shake things up.
But Sinead is wary. Does Porthos want him back for his ability to inspire sane driving with but his very command. Or does he want him back for some other, more nefarious, reason? His mighty bald brow furrows in thought.
"TIAC is a very boring person who would find a doco on dry-heaving interesting..."
Superlad is now running around showing off his new pet Creepy Kid. He shows him to TIAC because he knows that TIAC is a very boring person who would find a doco on dry-heaving interesting, let alone a real life Creepy Kid who can read people's minds.
TIAC is impressed and immediately begins to tell Creepy Kid how she reminds him of a boy that was once murdered.
After this heartwarming anecdote, Creepy Kid tells Superlad that TIAC has bought a pink dress for the prom and wants Superlad to ask her to it.
"I dunno," says Superlad. "Do you think that pink is my colour?"
When Superlad starts pulling the 'oh no, TIAC and I are just really great friends' thing, Creepy Kid sets him straight by revealing that 'her loins hunger for you'.
Well, okay.
Speaking of loins hungering, they head off to see Lana at her stupid new cinema cafe. Creepy Kid tells her that one of her employees is corrupt and should be fired immediately. "Okay," says Lana. Because she is weak-minded. Pretty, but weak-minded.
Sinead rocks up and says 'howdy' to Creepy Kid who takes an instant dislike to him, even when Sinead starts talking comic books and treehouses with him.
"Well, I never!" says Sinead, and leaves in a huff.
Then Wicked Stepfather shows up and chases the kid out into a nearby garbage bin. The kid gets picked up and thrown into the back of the garbage truck and we rather touchingly re-enact the Trash Compactor scene from Star Wars as the kid starts to be crushed to death.
Superlad dashes to ye olde rescue, tearing the back of the truck and pulling Creepy Kid out. "Threepio?" says Creepy Kid.
"TIAC: 'Boy, if only I could find somebody to take me to the prom', SLad: 'Yep, that would be good'"
Then there's a whole heap of nonsense. Creepy Kid tells Superlad that Sinead is thinking of leaving. Sinead tells Superlad that he's thinking of leaving. Creepy Kid finds the spaceship that rocketed Superlad to Earth from the exploding planet Krypton. Superlad says 'boy, you're in for a whupping now'. TIAC finds some more comic books that Creepy Kid lost and coonfirms that she would like to go to the prom with Superlad (with all her usual subtlety - the conversation went thusly, TIAC: 'Boy, if only I could find somebody to take me to the prom', SLad: 'Yep, that would be good', TIAC: 'Of course, he'd need to possess powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men', SLad: 'Yep, that'd be good, too', etc) and finally Creepy Kid is taken away by Wicked Stepfather again to help rob Sinead.
The robbery is for some reason taking place in a limo. Didn't really understand why. But anyway, Wicked Stepfather and Wicked Stepmother lock Sinead in the back of the car and ask him for the password to his computer. Sinead refuses to tell, which is kinda pointless, because Creepy Kid has read his mind already.
So they throw Sinead away and drive off to a Ten Pin Bowling alley. Again, something must have happened that I didn't pay close enough attention to because suddenly the whole robbing of Sinead plan is aborted and instead we are off to play chaseys in the bowling alley. Creepy Kid hides among the pins. Wicked Stepfather bowls a 250 game and manages to find him.
He's just about to shoot him when Superlad shows up, uses the handy X-ray vision trick, picks up a bowling ball and hurls it through the walls, knocking Wicked Stepfather out.
And that's about it. Creepy Kid is taken away by Aunt Beru, but not before warning Superlad not to trust Sinead because he has secrets. Superlad laughs. "Ha-ha-ha! Like what? Like he's a master criminal?? Hahaha! Get outta here you troublemakin' nut!" Oh, and Sinead decides to double-cross Porthos and not go to Metropolis. (Obviously.) That'll teach him.
A rather so-so episode. But one with a powerful lesson which was, obviously: Never set foot in a bowling alley, lest a Kryptonian hurl a bowling ball at your head and knock you out. Certainly a lesson I will remember.
Next week: The Grim Reaper shows up and starts killing everybody. Which kinda sucks, no?
Begone,
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