THE SMALLVILLE FILES SEASON 1
Score: 7.5 / 10 
13: Whitney The Idiotic Ghost
Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
Well, of course, it never fails. You spend all week telling somebody how absolutely super Smallville has been in recent episodes and that they really should tune in and catch it and... then the kids of Smallville crumble under the pressure and pull out a dud.
We open promisingly enough with The Increasingly Annoying Chloe being thrown out of a window, but from there it's all downhill. She had been over hassling Sinead in (unsurprisingly) a highly annoying fashion. She was right in the middle of asking him when his secret nightclub from several episodes back was going to reopen when Sinead suddenly excused himself, claiming he needed to shampoo his hair.
TIAC was not buying that. "You don't have any hair."
"Sure I do," replied Sinead. "I keep it in that jar." And, indeed, he points to a jar full of hair.
"Oooooooooooooookay," says TIAC, stepping back slowly.
And then after Sinead leaves some intangible burglars (by far the worst kind) break in and subdue Superlad with their Kryptonite Rub-On Tattoos before throwing TIAC out the window and disappearing.
Obviously, Superlad blames himself for this and starts punching logs into shreds to calm himself down. Sinead makes not particularly veiled threats about what he will do to the Intangiburglars when he finds them.
"Nobody throws people out of my windows but me!" he says.
Superlad enlists Good Old Pete's help to track down the Intangiburglars.
"Gosh," says Good Old Pete. "I think you should let the Lazy Smallville Cops look after it. I mean, cripes, we don't want to get into trouble."
"Oh go away, Pete," says Superlad.
Meanwhile, Lana's Aunt Ricki is selling the family cinema. This is, of course, nothing to get upset about. It's just a stupid cinema. But Lana does get upset because... well, I dunno, she just does. But she finds out Sinead is purchasing it so thinks 'cool, now where did I store those feminine wiles?'
Whit, idiot that he is, has finally been informed that the football scholarship he thought he had was, in fact, a baseball scholarship which totally bums him out because he can't play baseball (because in baseball it is against the rules to nail the opposition to crosses).
So Whit's all angry at the world and gives Superlad a bit of grief when Superlad comes in to pick up a microwave oven for Bo. No mention is made of the fact that this is the 14th microwave oven Bo has bought in the last month. Someday, Bo's bizarre obsession with microwave technology will be confronted, but not this episode. Tonight, they simply feed the compulsion.
But I digress. Whit meets up with other idiots who had signed up for incorrect scholarships when they were in High School. And wouldn't you know it but they're the Intangiburglars! The Intangiburglars invite Whit to join 'em for a 'brewski'. So off Whit goes. Just like an idiot.
Then the Intangiburglars suggest that Whit should get a Kryptonite Rub-On Tattoo. So Whit does. Rather disturbingly it is a tattoo of Barbra Streisand, but to each their own.
Then the Intangiburglars suggest the Whit should jump in front of a truck. "But what about Sinead's no vehicular accident decree?" "We're sick of Sinead's decree." And so Whit jumps in front of the truck. But luckily he's intangible so no harm done (apart from the obvious years of mental trauma that the poor truck driver will have to contend with).
"The Intangiburglars have Sinead's collection of MP3's (including Vic Reeves and the Wonderstuff singing Dizzy!!!)"
So the Intangiburglars meet up with Sinead. (I forgot to mention that the Intangiburglars gave Sinead a mobile phone and told him that he would have to soon give them a million dollars. At first, you might think that this is a pretty standard mobile phone contract but no, it's an elaborate blackmail scam. The Intangiburglars have Sinead's collection of MP3's (including Vic Reeves and the Wonderstuff singing Dizzy!!!) and aren't giving it back until they get a million bucks.)
But of course Sinead hasn't brought the million bucks along. You don't become a multi-squillionaire like Sinead by giving money to every intangible punk you come into contact with. So the Intangiburglars (now with Whit included) start giving grief to Sinead. (This all takes place in a meathouse for reasons I defy anybody to explain.)
And, equally of course, Superlad shows up to save the day. But he forgot about the Kryptonite Rub-On Tattoos so falls down like an amnesiac wimp. Luckily, the Intangiburglars decide to run off.
Once outside the Intangiburglars are cross at Whit for being an idiot. "But that's what I do!" protests Whit.
The Intangiburglars then threaten to kill Sinead. Pshaw! Yeah, right. Like anybody's going to come out on top of Sinead. The man is slick.
So slick that he resists completely Lana's feminine wiles (which she eventually found right at the back of her cupboard. Typical, huh?). "Gee, Lexy-Wexy, I'd be soooooooooooooo grateful if you'd just let this cinema stay exactly the way it is." "Nope."
So Lana heads off to see Superlad to make sure her wiles still work. Of course they do, and so Superlad dobs on Whit. "You know he worked out that his scholarship was no good," he says.
Lana sighs. "I wondered when that would sink in," she says. "Thanks, Superlad. You're a good friend." She pauses. "Well, to me, anyway. You're a pretty crappy, treacherous friend to Whit."
"Ah, but he's not my friend."
"True."
Then Superlad heads back to visit TIAC who has been locked up in hospital and therefore much less annoying than usual. Good Old Pete is hanging out with her, keeping his nose out of trouble. Still, he managed to smuggle in a script for her so she takes the opportunity to explain to Superlad about the Kryptonite Rub-On Tattoos and how they're like a drug. Once they start, they just can't stop. "Addiction is a terrible thing," she says.
"It sure is," says Superlad, thinking about Bo and his obsession with microwaves.
By now, Whit has decided he doesn't want to be an Intangible Junkie Burglar any more so he shows up to Lana and has a bit of a cry about it. "They're so evil," he says. "They made me defy Sinead's decree!"
"Wow! They truly are evil," says Lana, and hugs him again. I've said it before and I'll say it again. The love of a babe for an idiot is truly a wondrous sight.
"'Oh great,' thinks Superlad. 'A sidekick. What am I, Batman??'"
So Superlad volunteers to go get Sinead's MP3 collection and that will be the end of it. "I'll come help," says Whit. 'Oh great,' thinks Superlad. 'A sidekick. What am I, Batman??'
But off they go and Superlad looks around with the ol' X-Ray vision, finds the MP3s quicksmart and they go to leave. Of course the Intangiburglars return and attack them. Superlad retaliates by crushing the MP3s. This annoys the Intangiburglars no end. "I'd only listened to Dizzy four times!!!" one yells, enraged. "I barely know how it goes yet... 'I'm so dizzy, my... my... my... -- I'll get you for this!"
So there's the usual fight with kryptonite slowing Superlad down. This week, there's a bit of a twist with Sinead showing up with a cattle prod and zapping an Intangiburglar and then simply calling the Lazy Smallville Cops. Sinead. Pragmatic as ever. Why waste energy fighting?
The other Intangiburglars are meanwhile going to drop a car on Whit's head (in further direct violation of Sinead's decree) but Superlad dashes in at superspeed and pushes them to safety. Of course, apparently nobody notices this.
So the Lazy Smallville Cops arrest the Intangiburglars, Sinead offers them a few more threats, but implies that if they keep mum about his MP3 collection, he won't mention their 'Mel And Kim Forever!' tattoos.
And then to prove he's a big, bald softie, he approves some inane business plan of Lana's to save the stupid cinema. "Like I care," he says, wandering off.
Oh, and TIAC gets better. So we end on a glum note.
Overall, a rather lacklustre effort. I give it a C+ and look forward to....
Next week: Lana goes all slutty! Superlad and Sinead fight over her! There must be an explanation, but I can't think what it might be because... my head is spinning, like a whirlpool it never ends, and it's you girl makin' it spin, you're makin' me dizzy... etc...
Tags: smallville
Begone,
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