Dan Liebke’s Astonishing Tales

Well, with Dawson remaining stubbornlyabsent from our television screens, I’ve decided tolook elsewhere for some inspiration. And, of course, thenatural place to look is the series that those in theStates (most notably Jane Seymour) are calling ‘Dawson’sCreek with Superpowers’ - SMALLVILLE.

(Yes, I shall look past Ms Seymour’s fauxpas in not recognising Dawson’s superspeed Kid Flashpowers. Dr Quinn cannot be expected to know everything,people. It’s inhumane to expect that of her.)

We can tell it’s 1989 because RobertPalmer and the pouting models are writhing about

The story opens in 1989 in Smallville,Kansas. We can tell it’s 1989 because Robert Palmer andthe pouting models are writhing about proclaimingthings to be Simply Irresistible. Suddenly, in a touchingtribute to the movie Armageddon, dozens of meteorites andthe remains of Bruce Willis rain down from the skyblowing up cars and buildings and cows and also youngLex Luthor’s hair and some kid who had been crucified -these latter two facts are important later on so I hope youpaid attention just then.

Cut to today and young Clark Kent (whoalso came down in the meteor shower, as children rocketedto Earth from the exploding planet Krypton are so veryprone to do) is asking his Pa for permission to playfootball. His Pa says ‘of course not, you superpoweredgoofball. Now get outta here’.

So Clark joins his buddies Pete and someblonde girl (whose name eluded me) at school. Here it isrevealed that Clark and Pete want to join the football teambecause every year the football team choose some dork noton the football team to be nailed to a cross and die forall our sins. Ah, these quaint American small towntraditions…

Also, Clark has something super in hispants for cheerleader babe Lana Lang. But, because shewears a necklace made out of 12 carat Kryptonite he tendsto stumble like a goofball in her vicinity and vomit upblood. Ha-ha! That’s Kryptonite radiation poisoning foryou. Also, Lana’s got a big, stupid football player fora boyfriend. Obviously.

…despite having his hair blown offin a meteor storm a decade or so ago, he’s incrediblyrich.

Anyway, Lex Luthor is driving down theroad a bit later. He’s in a Porsche because, despite havinghis hair blown off in a meteor storm a decade or so ago,he’s incredibly rich. (In this respect, he’s much likeSinead O’Connor.) Lex is going too fast and spins outand hits the young Super-laddie and drives over a bridgeand drowns.

Clark gets up and gives himmouth-to-mouth and saves his life. Naturally, the next dayLex gives him a truck as a thank you present. It is,after all, not every day that one gets serious lip actionfrom a super-powered Kryptonian. However, Grumpy Pants PaKent tells Clark he has to give it back. When Clarkcomplains about this, Grumpy Pants tells him that Lex’sfather was a real estate mogul and, hence, evil. Clarkresponds by inexplicably sticking his hand in awood-chipping machine.

Grumpy Pants sees this feat of stupidinvulnerability (or invulnerable stupidity - I’m neverquite sure which) and so tells Clark that he came fromanother planet. ‘Well, duh,’ says Superlad.

Superlad then heads off to the graveyardwhere Lana, now sans Kryptonite necklace, is talking to herdead parents’ graves. Eerily, they talk back. Even moreeerily, Superlad hears them and translates for her. ‘Goout with the super-powered guy’ he says. Lana laughsand ignores him and returns to her football playerstud.

Oh, and the kid who was crucified in theopening scene has somehow gained electrical powers and wokeup from a coma and is running around electro-zapping randomfootball players. Yes, I see the echoes of the Jesusstory also.

Anyway, the stupid football player hasseen Superladdie talking to Lana so puts the Kryptonitenecklace on him and nominates him to be the crucifixee forthis year’s butchery. He is taken to a cross and nailedthere and left to die while everybody else dances theircares away at the Fraggle Ball. Happily, Sinead happensto be driving past the local crucifying cornfields andtakes the necklace off Superlad. He (Superlad) then racesoff through the cornfields chasing ElectroJesus who hadalso dropped by and threatened to electrocuteeverybody.

There’s a bit of a fight and thenElectroJesus drives a car into Superlad.

There’s a bit of a fight and thenElectroJesus drives a car into Superlad. Well, this hasfailed once already tonight and so ElectroJesus ispunished for his forgetfulness by being struck byamnesia. ‘Where am I?’ he says, waking up in a daze.’You’re in Smallville, you electric weenie,’ says Clark.‘Do pay attention.’

And then Lana, like a two-timing ChipmunkFace shows up at Superlad’s farm later that night and dances the macarena with him as the credits roll.

A fine opening episode. In retrospect,the quality that Dawson so clearly lacks is a bald richvillain masquerading as a best friend. Smallvilledoesn’t make this mistake, so I give it a solid B+ for thisfirst episode and look forward to future episodes whereClark gets run over by a car.

Next Week: Clarkgets run over by a car! (actually, this episode was laterthis evening but I taped that to be reviewed only if deemedworthy - one does not start a Files series lightly).

Related Pages

If you hated this, you'll probably also hate:

1. Know Your Smallville Cast - Okay, here's your quick guide to the dangerous-drivin' denizens of Smallville. Main Characters [caption id=""...
2. 1.02 A Tribute To Kafka - We begin with some nerd video-taping Lanawithout her knowledge. Nerd boy is caught by his...
3. Smallville Season One - The season that started it all. Meet Superlad, Lana and Sinead for the very first...
4. 4.03 The Episode That Escaped From Season One - So we open back in Season One. The Original Whit is inviting Superlad to hurl...
5. 4.07 Mxyzptlk, Mr Mxyzptlk - A golden lesson in padding this week as the writers take a paragraph's worth of...

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.