THE SMALLVILLE FILES
Know Your Smallville Cast
Okay, here's your quick guide to the dangerous-drivin' denizens of Smallville.
Main Characters
NAME(S): Clark, Superlad
NOTES: A super-powered young chappie with something quite super indeed in his pants for Lana. A tad moody and tends to blame himself for the asteroid storm that started this entire mess. Looking forward to the day he gets proper control over his X-ray vision.
KEY WORD: Super
NAME(S): Lana
NOTES: Cute cheerleader type who collects idiot football players for boyfriends. Inexplicably treasures the kryptonite necklace that contains the remains of the meteorite that killed her parents.
KEY WORD: Pom-poms
NAME(S): Lex Luthor, Sinead
NOTES: Rich, conniving and bald with just the faintest hint of evil underlying his every action. Is there any wonder that he reminds us so much of early 90s songstress Sinead O'Connor. Oh Lex, nothing compares 2U
KEY WORD: Sly
Other Characters
PA 'BO' KENT: Superlad's dad. Bears a grudge against Sinead's dad (Porthos Luthor), simply because Porthos had the good business sense to corner the Smallville Fertilizer Market. Also inspired the town's insane driving tendencies with his antics as Bo Duke on The Dukes of Hazzard.
BORING OLD MA KENT: Has done nothing at all of interest yet. Thought about it for a while in Season Two, but then faded away again in later seasons...
THE INCREASINGLY ANNOYING CHLOE (TIAC): Some silly, annoying girl who secretly yearns for Superlad's super bod. Seems to know an awful lot about each week's script.
GOOD OL' PETE: Almost as boring as Boring Old Ma Kent. But not quite. Compensates for his tedium with thrilling use of home made street slang. Eventually left the show in a geyser of tears at the end of Season Three.
PORTHOS LUTHOR: Sinead's father. By far the funniest person on the show, what with his evilness and all.
WHIT: Lana's idiot football player boyfriend. Possibly the reincarnation of Australia left-arm fast bowling cricket champion Mike Whitney. Possibly not also. Eventually blew up playing football for the army in the jungles of Vietnam.
DR TOTALBABE: Sinead's bride and doctor to the Kryptonian Kiddie. A combination designed purely to test the Hippocratical Oath. Tragically took on the Luthors one too many times. Being a total babe will only get you so far.
LOIS: The highlight of Season Four was the emergence of Lois Lane and her impressive norgs. Lois can't act and has only vaguely passable chemistry with Superlad. Still, she fills out a singlet (aka tank top) with remarkable accuracy and that's enough to justify her existence on the show.
DR QUINN: The reincarnation of a woman who burnt one of Lana's ancestors at the stake. Sigh. Yes. Seriously.
