MISCELLANY
Score: 7 / 10 
Shiloh v Suri: A Lifetime In Battle
Edited Highlights of the First Thirty Years of Shiloh Pitt-Jolie and Suri Cruise.
2008, first words - Shiloh utters her first word ("beautiful") live on national television, during her parents' Oscar acceptance speech for Mr and Mrs Smith 2. A press release is issued claiming Suri's first word to be 'Dianetics'.
Shiloh Pitt-Jolie
Self-portrait
Aged 16
2011, first day at school - Shiloh spends her first day at school assisting the teacher in setting up an 'African Buddy Child' program. Suri pees her pants and spends the rest of the day wearing a garbage bag nappy.
2013, Christmas pageant - Shiloh stars as Mary in the school Christmas pageant. Her passionate performance inspires Principal Al-Hayid to convert to Christianity the next day. Suri trips and breaks her nose on a manger.
2016, tenth birthday - Shiloh gets a visit from the King of Siam who presents her with a genetically engineered flying pony. Suri gets a Special 30th Anniversary Extended Edition of Top Gun.
2020, entering the public eye - Shiloh stars in the highly successful Hologram iPod campaign. Suri stars in the less successful 'So, You've Got Facial Warts' campaign.
Suri Cruise
wedding day
2023, first movie - Shiloh makes an acclaimed movie debut opposite Sir Vincent Vaughn, who declares her to be 'like the daughter I never had'. Suri's cameo in The Hours 2 is digitally replaced due to a restraining order.
2029, marriage - Shiloh marries Apple Martin-Paltrow, the trillionaire heir to the Coldplay Empire. Suri marries an ageing James Van Der Beek. He divorces her two days later.
2031, littl'uns - Shiloh gives birth to healthy twin girls in the first ever pain-free birth. Suri gets a pet dog (Hubbard), who bites her and runs away.
2036, return to movies - Shiloh returns to her movie career and makes history by winning Best Actress (The Life and Times of President Carrey) and Best Supporting Actress (Kristofferson!) in the same year. Suri returns in Star Wars Episode Nine: Here Comes Greedo, the first Star Wars film to ever lose money at the box office.
To be continued...
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