Dan Liebke’s Astonishing Tales

1st of October, 2004 Diary Note: 11:00 pm Sean Penn invited me interstate to holiday home for writing brainstorming session. On balance, decided good idea. SP’s ice sculpture more visually disturbing than anything seen before, but, on other hand, SP assures me he has flat screen TV.

2nd of October, 2004 Diary Note: 2:00 pm Good morning’s writing with Sean Penn. SP invited William Goldman around to work on script. Surprised, as thought WG long dead. Expressed surprise to SP who pulled out whiteboard, unveiled elaborate written proof of WG’s life. Couldn’t spot flaw, but also couldn’t spot where specificity to WG flowed from. Am forced to conclude that SP has uncovered proof of eternal life. Took shot of whiteboard with phone camera.

3rd of October, 2004 Diary Note: 11:15 pm William Goldman, Sean Penn and I continued to work on screenplay. Fundamental alignment problem between WG and SP however. WG insisting on working on screenplay structure, SP keen to improvise. Couldn’t settle dispute, eventually decided to toss coin. SP doesn’t trust coin tosses, believes results not sufficiently random. Proposed we wait for nuclear particle to decay instead. Searched for one with suitable half-life, wasted most of day.

4th of October, 2004 Diary Note: 11:15 am Determined to avoid stylistic conflicts of yesterday. Proposed to Sean Penn and William Goldman that we choose name at random from phone book, call person, let random person choose between day of improvisation on script, or day of work on screenplay structure. Despite SP’s rumblings about inherent unlisted numbers bias in phonebook randomisation, eventually got agreement. Closed eyes, pointed in book, dialled number. Got Kristin Davis. Trouble!!

5th of October, 2004 Diary Note: 1:05 pm Sigh. Cannot shake Kristin Davis off me. Foolishly let her locate me yesterday (damn caller ID!). Forced to invite her over for lunch, followed by shopping expedition for blank DVD-Roms, visit to stage hypnotist and surprisingly good elbow massage. Eventually called guys and abandoned screenplay writing session. Booked flight home. Still failed to shake her as (somehow!) KD waiting for me at airport when I got home. Wanted to know if she could spend few days with me. Couldn’t say no. Tried, but literally couldn’t. Also, every time KD says ‘Coolio!’ get to feet and pat head uncontrollably. Am certain hypnotist visit a grave error.

6th of October, 2004 Diary Note: 11:45 am Bloody Kristin Davis continues to hound my every step. Got up early to work on new screenplay ideas that Sean Penn and I had nutted out. KD had instead decided to make me home-made breakfast. Fine until KD spilled maple syrup all over keyboard - why she thought I wanted maple syrup on my sausages I’ll never understand.

7th of October, 2004 Diary Note: 5:15 pm Learn from my mistakes. Decided this time to go buy new keyboard. Kristin Davis even offered to pay. Very thoughtful. Unfortunately, KD determined to make day shopping expedition rather than quick jaunt to computer shop. Ended up coming home with wide variety of skirts, skin care products, perfume, makeup, etc. What KD spent her money on, could not tell you. Not that I don’t know, just sworn to secrecy.

8th of October, 2004 Diary Note: 3:00 pm Woke up this morning, determined to get full day of writing in. Realised that amid entire shopping expedition of yesterday, forgot to purchase original point of visit to mall. Namely, keyboard. Tried various other input devices for short time, before eventually dashing back to shops to make new purchase.

9th of October, 2004 Diary Note: 3:00 pm Trouble. As a result of series of circumstances far too complicated to regale, Kristin Davis has become convinced that I want to marry her. Total misunderstanding involving ring, Right Said Fred album and bull whip. Before clarification could be offered, KD managed to book reception hall and purchase wedding dress.

10th of October, 2004 Diary Note: 3:10 pm Kristin Davis continues with wedding plans, unabated. Know that longer the delay for telling her truth, more disappointed and upset she’ll be. But still, got to trial menu - pork trotters! Delicious. And thankfully, no longer on pig. Will break off with KD tomorrow. Swear.

11th of October, 2004 Diary Note: 9:35 am Up early. Know must tell Kristin Davis don’t want to marry her. But am scared she’ll take it poorly. So have ducked off to park to hide, work on script in peace. Took Bruce Springsteen’s dog, The Almighty Mr Spinner with me for company. Almighty begs for food off strangers. Useful, because forgot to have breakfast. Imagine my delight when Almighty brought me back bowl of Nutri Grain.

12th of October, 2004 Diary Note: 1:20 pm Spent last night in pub, trying to summon courage to break off marriage to Kristin Davis. Instead, only managed to summon inebriated state. Clouded judgment. Ended up calling Ashley Judd, confessed overwhelming attraction to her. AJ responded with cool acknowledgment. Asked me if I knew any decent fishmongers. Puzzled by response, but spent most of this morning on web googling for fish knowledge.

13th of October, 2004 Diary Note: 1:20 pm Tried to escape Kristin Davis by visiting Ashley Judd. Took trout for plausible cover story. Barely there three minutes before KD knocked on door, demanded to know what was going on, whether affair was being had. Question inspired giggle fit in AJ.

14th of October, 2004 Diary Note: 9:30 pm Awful day. Kristin Davis continues to prepare wedding. Ashley Judd still snickering at notion of illicit affair with me. Jessica Alba called, in tears. Apparently, Michael Chiklis made snarky comment on set of Fantastic Four movie. Trying to help JA through crisis when other call came in. Checked Caller ID. Jon Bon Jovi!! Didn’t switch, JBJ didn’t leave message but now intensely curious about purpose of call.

15th of October, 2004 Diary Note: 7:55 am Up early this morning. Couldn’t sleep all night. Fretting about call from Jon Bon Jovi. Unsure whether return of call is necessary. On one hand, don’t want to speak to him On other, insanely curious as to why JBJ wants to talk to me. Will make most of early start. Get writing done before notorious sleepy-head Kristin Davis wakes up.

16th of October, 2004 Diary Note: 1:20 pm Janeane Garofalo stormed into room. Demanded to know truth about rumours of impending nuptials with Kristin Davis. Told JG that it was all ghastly misunderstanding. KD overheard. Gave searing pout. Stormed off. At that exact moment, call came in from Jon Bon Jovi. Life far too complicated. Why can’t people just let me write in peace??

17th of October, 2004 Diary Note: 9:45 pm After day spent hiding in hedges, was eventually dragged inside to speak to Kristin Davis about aborted wedding. KD surprisingly upbeat. Offered detailed Powerpoint presentation. Showed how with careful management, wedding could actually turn profit. Impressed. Wedding now back on.

18th of October, 2004 Diary Note: 5:00 pm About to settle down for thrilling run chase on final day of Test match. Too excited to get writing done today anyway. Sat down. Cracked beer. Ordered pizza. Janeane Garofalo walked in, turned television off. Wanted to know why wedding with Kristin Davis was back on. Explained about financial upside of KD’s wedding plan. JG suspicious. Can’t see how wedding can possibly make profit. Wants to examine KD’s figures.

19th of October, 2004 Diary Note: 3:00 pm Busy rewriting bookmobile scene when Janeane Garofalo stormed in, claiming to have found flaw in Kristin Davis’s profitable wedding scheme. Tried to follow JG’s explanation but couldn’t. Something to do with held over tax credits. Shooed her off. Next interruption more enjoyable. KD with freshly baked cumquats!

20th of October, 2004 Diary Note: 2:20 pm Phone call from Darren Star! DS is thinking of making my screenplay into hot, sexy new TV drama. (Refuse to call it ‘dramedy’ no matter how many times DS calls it that.) Has entire project greenlit - just needs to see script. Lunch meeting set for Friday.

21st of October, 2004 Diary Note: 11:20 pm Spent all day tweaking script to be acceptable pilot for new Darren Star drama. Wife-to-be Kristin Davis took time out of financial conquering of nuptials to offer handful of tweaks. Last such tweak turned out to be co-writing credit. Bristled at this, as have spent almost full year on this project, compared to KD’s afternoon. Was given superlative neck rub, however, so eventually ceded.

22nd of October, 2004 Diary Note: 3:55 pm Stupidly decided to get up early and catch bus to lunch time meeting with Darren Star. Had forgotten certain things about catching bus in morning. Thing most crucially forgotten was extent to which I loathe morning bus driver. Bus driver jokes, quips, comments on other drivers. Sings, is full of laughter and life and joy. All well and good if bus driver didn’t dilly-dally around so much in process that we miss connecting train. Dude, just drive bus. Once you’ve g ot that down, then pull out comedy routine. Late for lunch, but recovered nicely by inquiring about DS’s middle name. ‘Neutron’ as it turns out.

23rd of October, 2004 Diary Note: 7:05 am Up early to make changes proposed by Darren Star. DS has suggested females should have larger breasts and be much, much cuter. Suggested this might be casting, rather than screenwriting, issue. But apparently, no. In any good dramedy, such task apparently falls on screenwriter’s shoulders. Huh.

24th of October, 2004 Diary Note: 3:55 am Slept poorly. Kept dreaming Jon Bon Jovi calling, hanging up, calling, hanging up, calling, belching, hanging up. Got up. Checked phone warily. Eventually decided to take off hook. Back to sleep. New dream. JBJ now calling phone company to report line fault.

25th of October, 2004 Diary Note: 6:25 am Another poor night’s sleep. This time not dreaming about Jon Bon Jovi making prank phone calls. Troubled by new dream wherein JBJ skulks around house looking for entry point. Got up to check locks several times. Or, if not, certainly dreamed about doing so.

26th of October, 2004 Diary Note: 9:55 am Ongoing sleepless nights having negative effect on writing quality. Reread previous two days’ work and noticed hundreds of typos. More typos than words! Unfortunate because have already sent revised script off to Darren Star for perusal. Alternative explanation: had dream last night that Jon Bon Jovi was breaking into house and changing AutoCorrect function on Word. When I type ‘I crave nachos’, AutoCorrect changes to ‘Give me love, Amos, you shan’t regret it, man-stallion’. Checked AutoCorrect in waking hours and this phrase absent but still… have nagging doubts. Get out of my subconscious, JBJ!!

27th of October, 2004 Diary Note: 3:55 pm Call from Darren Star. Loves typos. Thinks they’re cannily brilliant ways of swearing on screen without ‘hoo-ha’ of censorship laws. DS almost absurdly enthused. ‘Spell it with a ‘K’…’ he said. ‘Never would have thought of that.’ Then called me ‘Muchacha’ and vowed together we would ’stick it to the man’. No idea what he’s talking about.

28th of October, 2004 Diary Note: 4:00 pm Dreams about Jon Bon Jovi getting worse. Am now awake all night, in dangerous half-dream state during day. Kristin Davis took me aside after lunch, snapped fingers in front of me to get attention then showed latest spreadsheet on wedding plans. Current model suggesting estimated wedding profit of $3.4 million dollars. Seems highish. Would query result further but saw ASCII art image of JBJ in figures and am scared to look again as eyes of JBJ image almost certainly moved. Also, the horns.

29th of October, 2004 Diary Note: 10:10 am Dreams have taken nastier turn. Closed eyes briefly last night, and both Jon Bon Jovi and Sean Astin came crashing through window, challenging me to game of Strip Pictionary. Bought time by pointing out that three of us inufficient for satisfying game. JBJ and SA left, scowling.

30th of October, 2004 Diary Note: 7:55 am Despite best efforts, fell asleep again. This time, Jon Bon Jovi and Sean Astin returned with Tom Arnold. Strip Pictionary game was commenced. Was teamed with JBJ, who was incapable of drawing ‘prestidigitation’. Trio eventually left shortly before dawn. Woke unsure whether dream or not, although combination of pencil and pantlessness probably revealing. Certainly surprised Janeane Garofalo when she walked past.

31st of October, 2004 Diary Note: 4:55 am Weird dream/reality blurring has finally worn me down. Nightmares about nude Pictionary games one thing. Last night’s dream of being contractually obligated to write sequel to Encino Man quite another. Sean Astin’s evil knows no bounds. Given tonight’s Halloweenishness, am determined to stay awake for at least next forty-eight hours.

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