SCREENWRITER DIARY
Score: 7 / 10 
August, 2004
1st of August, 2004 Diary Note: 7:30 pm Felt queasy all day. Certain it was Ashley Judd's trout daiquiris.
2nd of August, 2004 Diary Note: 5:00 pm Booked in for Puzo-appendectomy today. The Coppolas finally issued legal order for me to hand over Mario Puzo's appendix from inside my body. Long hospital delays eased not at all by ward-to-ward troubadouring by B-52s. When on 'Nil By Mouth' don't want to hear about lobsters, rock or otherwise.
3rd of August, 2004 Diary Note: 8:10 pm In hospital today. Doctors removed Mario Puzo's appendix. Got 'Get Well' card from Sharon Stone. Said she knew 'precisely how I felt'. No idea what to make of that.
4th of August, 2004 Diary Note: 11:30 pm All day in hospital bed. Watched old episodes of 'Late Night Poker' previously taped. Made notes of Joe 'The Elegance' Beevers' plays. Perhaps not best player, but certainly finest nickname.
5th of August, 2004 Diary Note: 11:10 pm Up all night playing Texas Hold'Em Poker against late shift nurses. Lost $6100. Am beginning to suspect that Mario Puzo appendix was lucky charm. Must recover from Coppolas.
6th of August, 2004 Diary Note: 8:10 pm Out of hospital. Working on Mario Puzo lucky appendix theory. Invited Ashley Judd around for high stakes whist. Also invited Luke 'Perfect Steak' Perry, who rustled together home-made steak pizza! Perfect Steak Perry invited Deborah Harry along, who knew little about whist, but was willing to sing for us. Insisted she play whist instead. Blondie's amateur status failed to assist me. Lost $16000. Expensive confirmation of hypothesis. Tomorrow will work on plan to recover appendix. Also, must find second job.
7th of August, 2004 Diary Note: 11:30 pm Found schematics of Coppola Manor online at www.coppolahousemaps.org. Have now plotted optimal break and enter path to recover Mario Puzo's appendix, which was located using satellite photographs. Will attempt break-in tomorrow. Or day after, depending on mood.
8th of August, 2004 Diary Note: 8:30 pm Invited by Luke 'Perfect Steak' Perry to football game - Tigers v Rabbits. Put off Coppola break-in to attend. Unsurprisingly, Tigers were overwhelming victors. Seemed unfair, ferocious tigers up against cowering rabbits. In retrospect, should not have put money on Rabbits. Foolish to assume ironic legumic victory. Note to self: bet with brains, not sense of absurd.
9th of August, 2004 Diary Note: 10:40 pm Broke in to Francis Ford Coppola's house to steal back lucky Mario Puzo appendix. Unfortunately, despite careful analysis of Coppola Manor floor plans, met with difficulties. Namely, performance by Dexy's Midnight Runners in backyard. Tried to flee, but ended up colliding with gazebo. Woke up in jail cell.
10th of August, 2004 Diary Note: 12:50 pm Hung around jail cell most of morning. Eventually realised wasn't cell at all, rather old Apocalypse Now set. Wandered out. Joined Coppolas for breakfast. Francis apparently oblivious to my Puzo appendix-thieving plans. Thought I was attendee of Dexy's Midnight Runner gig. Assumed balaclava was some kind of screenwriter fashion statement. Finished omelette. Headed home, sans Puzo appendix.
11th of August, 2004 Diary Note: 4:40 pm Lunch with Jude Law. JL ordered salami roll with extra ham. Suddenly, Val Kilmer leapt from behind counter where (can only assume) he was hiding, threw flurry of punches at JL, screaming 'meat is murder' over and over, before fleeing into Officeworks store, disappearing behind row of label-makers. Helped JL to feet, JL changed order to lettuce and cumquat pastry. Must say, VK's methods not pretty, but startlingly effective.
12th of August, 2004 Diary Note: 8:30 pm Spent all day on screenplay, trying to flesh out empty shell left by Coppolas. Also, most original actors have left to pursue Coppola project. Kirk Cameron has stayed on but unsure how much that helps. He has assured me that he can also sign on Alan Thicke. Again...
13th of August, 2004 Diary Note: 1:00 pm Broke from writing to go to chemist, pick up assorted pharmaceuticals and personal body aids. Got there just in time to see heavily disguised Val Kilmer shoplifting iron supplements. Tried to alert owner who assured me that VK's behaviour expected, not a problem and that all iron supplements are placebos anyway.
14th of August, 2004 Diary Note: 4:40 pm Called to national capital by Government officials. Apparently been tracking screenplay - are disturbed that certain details too close to Top Secret Project being worked upon by CSIRO. Assured them knew nothing of Project Timeloop, that usage of concept in screenplay was simply bone-chilling coincidence. Think they bought it.
15th of August, 2004 Diary Note: 9:30 pm Woken at 3am by Government agents for further interrogation on screenplay and coincidental revelations about anti-terrorist time travel weapon. After several minutes, grew tired of questionig, confessed, promised to remove all references from screenplay. Agents agreed on sole condition that I told them who revealed information to me. Told them it was Tom Arnold.
16th of August, 2004 Diary Note: 1:40 pm Got home from Government interrogation. Called Tom Arnold. Government Agent answered, told me TA was in custody, never to call there again. Heh. Deeply satisfying. In retrospect, should perhaps have incriminated Jon Bon Jovi also. Ah well, lesson for future conspiratorial manhunts.
17th of August, 2004 Diary Note: 11:40 pm Big writing day today. Totally rebuilt screenplay around remaining plot fragments. Introduced exciting new characters such as Zachariah Flint, the hard-nosed Mob dentist and Julie the Dog-Faced Girl.
18th of August, 2004 Diary Note: 11:55 pm About to go to bed when received late night phone call from Jessica Alba. JA very talkative, spoke at length about feelings, betrayal, unrequited love, Jon Bon Jovi and the lack of hat-wearers in male population these days. Am almost certain JA drunk, but eventually got off phone by agreeing to to see her tomorrow for lunch. JA insisted on meeting at Taste Buddies. Concerned, but eventually agreed. Plan to order vegetarian meal just in case Val Kilmer hiding behind counter again.
19th of August, 2004 Diary Note: 1:20 pm Lunch with Jessica Alba. No sign of Val Kilmer. JA opened conversation with intimate details of emotional state. Was moved by her openness. Became more cynical when she revealed that she wanted role of Julie The Dog Faced Girl in screenplay. Apparently saw Charlize Theron in 'Monster' and thought dressing up as 'ugger' and winning Oscar sounded like fun.
20th of August, 2004 Diary Note: 11:55 pm Janeane Garofalo returned from overseas tour/holiday. Wanted to know what was going on. What had happened to screenplay. Why conversations with Jessica Alba had been renewed. Suggested she could read this very online diary. JG barely hid contempt for notion. Considers diary puerile. Online nature of such liable to give viewer acne. Had no easy comeback to this.
21st of August, 2004 Diary Note: 8:00 am Up all night filling in Janeane Garofalo on recent history. Explained about Coppolas, Puzo appendix, Jessica Alba, Val Kilmer, etc. JG listened intently before eventually declaring entire tale tedious in extreme. Suggested we go catch rooster with bare hands. Strangely enough, did so.
22nd of August, 2004 Diary Note: 2:10 pm After successful rooster-capturing expedition yesterday, am now keen to follow up with worthier foe. Was trying to determine suitable candidate when Brian May called, looking for nine letter word meaning 'bombastic'. Could only think of 'bombastic'.
23rd of August, 2004 Diary Note: 3:30 pm Spent morning working on screenplay. Jessica Alba came over after lunch to check on progress, walk Almighty Mr Spinner. Halfway through stroll, JA said 'I wonder if my dentist has bought his child a beagle'. Assume this statement had context, but am scared to check.
24th of August, 2004 Diary Note: 8:45 pm Mysterious phone call, voice offered to be my bookie, cover me in future gambling debts. Was tempted, but wary. What would Gamblers Anonymous think? Would have to assume they'd disapprove but as I'm not a member, hardly matters now, does it?
25th of August, 2004 Diary Note: 11:45 pm Late night supper with Matt Damon. Pitched screenplay to him, made subtle adjustments. Suggested minor tweaks would allow thrilling time travel spy thriller 'The Bourne Paradox'. MD impressed. Told me to call Ludlum for rights. Would do so, but still have Ludlum's whipper snipper.
26th of August, 2004 Diary Note: 1:50 pm Lunch with Jessica Alba. Agreed that she will play Julie The Dog Faced Girl in screenplay. Showed me home-made prosthetics. Not particularly convincing but didn't have heart to tell her so. Also, JA spent entire lunch speaking in accent. Not sure why. Not sure what, either. Possibly Italian, possibly Japanese. Still, same could be said about meal. Sushi lasagne???!?
27th of August, 2004 Diary Note: 1:35 pm Jessica Alba called me up. Continued to speak in incomprehensible accent. Due to incomprehensibility, was unsure what JA was saying. Chose to nod sporadically, then hang up. Only in retrospect realised that nodding wouldn't transfer through phone. Rang JA back, apologised. JA took in stride, said she could see me nodding. Explained about video phone. Made little sense. JA may have video phone, but I don't. Must investigate further.
28th of August, 2004 Diary Note: 3:35 pm Janeane Garofalo took me out again for day. Suggested that after successful rooster catching last week, next logical step was to corner a snake and capture it. Seemed like large leap in reasoning to me, but JG insisted, hurling diamond python at me. Not proud of reaction. JG later claimed that she'd never heard such broad variety of gutter language.
29th of August, 2004 Diary Note: 8:35 pm BBQ lunch at Luke 'Perfect Steak' Perry's place to celebrate birthday of Jason Priestley. LP got completely drunk and started revealing myriad of Beverly Hills, 90210 secrets, including true age of Jennie Garth, 4 digit PIN code to Brian Austin Green Robot. Then proceeded to demonstrate rodeo skills picked up from movie '8 Seconds' by riding bull kept in neighbour's back yard. This ended predictably.
30th of August, 2004 Diary Note: 1:50 pm Took Jessica Alba to visit Luke 'Perfect Steak' Perry in hospital. JA told LP all about new version of screenplay, and her role as Julie The Dog-Faced Girl. LP made witty, but uncalled for, insult. Then giggled, blamed morphine, went back to sleep. Checked chart. LP not on any morphine at all. Didn't share revelation with JA.
31st of August, 2004 Diary Note: 4:40 pm Out to airport to pick up Jennifer Hawkins. Not easy as had to push my way through myriad of Australian Olympians. Out of the road, Jodie Henry! Move those clodhoppers, Thorpedo! Go feed at some other glory trough.
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