SCREENWRITER DIARY
Score: 7 / 10 
July, 2004
1st of July, 2004 Diary Note: 3:00 pm Long lunch. Bill Murray has convinced Sofia Coppola to read script. SC ordered lettuce juice and chiko roll. Admitted to not reading entire script. Only surreal Bill Murray/Jessica Alba dream sequence. Likes it lots! Wants to flip entire film around so BM/JA sequence is reality, time travel thriller is dream. Unsure about idea. Promised to think about it.
2nd of July, 2004 Diary Note: 8:25 am Up most of night trying to provide changes proposed by Sofia Coppola. Don't see how they'll work. Also, troubled by SC's choice of beverage - lettuce juice?!?! Eventually made home-made batch. Tasted ghastly! Am now very wary of SC's preferences in all fields.
3rd of July, 2004 Diary Note: 9:35 pm Invited around to Sofia Coppola's place for dinner, script discussion. Staggered to find Francis there! Cooking spag-bol! Caught in dilemma, as respect FFC immensely (despite Finian's Rainbow), yet despise taste of spag-bol. Eventually confessed to culinary oddity. FFC took in stride. Revealed Brando shared predilection. Then began to weep. Kinda uncomfortable.
4th of July, 2004 Diary Note: 11:55 am Francis Ford Coppola spent all last night reminiscing about antics of Marlon Brando. Apparently, MB used to make small castles out of discarded toothpicks. Then throw castle in ocean, declaring it 'finest moat ever seen'. FFC shared many such anecdotes throughout evening. Did not get to bed until 5am.
5th of July, 2004 Diary Note: 1:55 pm Took Bruce Springsteen's dog, Almighty Mr Spinner, down to park for spin. Plans thrown out by puppy training class. Tried to move Almighty over to corner for rotating time but small spaniel broke from class and nipped me on foot! Went to class organiser to complain. To no avail, as spaniel apparently belonged to her! Bloody teacher's pet.
6th of July, 2004 Diary Note: 2:10 pm Foot red from dog bite yesterday. Complained to Janeane Garofalo that mark was sore to touch. JG advised me not to touch it.
7th of July, 2004 Diary Note: 11:30 pm Rushed to hospital with foot infection. Put on drip. No choice but to lie in bed, watch old episodes of The A Team. Oh George Peppard, how wily you are! Also reasonably sure saw Val Kilmer arguing with nurse. Tried to get closer to hear, but ended up knocking vase over. Sunflowers everywhere!
8th of July, 2004 Diary Note: 11:30 pm Still in hospital! Bored silly. Jessica Alba dropped in with replacement flowers, vase. Wanted to know how screenplay rewrite was going. Told her about strict 'No creative endeavours' policy of hospital. Pointed to sign on wall. JA then joined me in watching 'Late Night Poker' despite claims that she knew she shouldn't encourage me. Surely no harm in just watching poker.
9th of July, 2004 Diary Note: 5:00 pm Sofia Coppola dropped in to visit me in hospital. Brought along deck of cards. Asked if wanted to play 'Go Fish!'. Suggested Texas Hold'Em Poker instead. Didn't know how to play it, so taught her. Ended up losing $9200. SC very fast learner.
10th of July, 2004 Diary Note: 11:30 pm Sofia Coppola returned, bringing Francis and Nic Cage with her. All-night poker session ensued. Night shift nurses protested about gross violation of 'visiting hours' but FFC summoned spirit of Vito Corleone and scared them off. At least, assume it was spirit of Vito. May have been spirit of Sonny. Regardless, nurses intimidated. Ended up losing $6700.
11th of July, 2004 Diary Note: 5:00 pm Poker session grew even more strange. Nic Cage called in hair doctor. Offered me bizarre bet - if I won, NC would give me rights to Superman for screenplay. If I lost, Dr Chappell would sew toupee onto my head permanently. Was rather certain that NC no longer had rights to Superman, but intriguing bet nevertheless. Played good hand, gathering three snowmen. Alas, NC made inside straight. Go under knife tonight.
12th of July, 2004 Diary Note: 3:30 pm Woke up following last night's hair transplant operation. Looks good! Not completely sure why general anaesthetic had been used. Then noticed pain in side. Janeane Garofalo dropped in, told me that drunken surgeon had thought it amusing to replace appendix previously removed with new one. Am now proud owner of Mario Puzo's appendix, which Francis Ford Coppola had been saving for just such a situation.
13th of July, 2004 Diary Note: 11:00 pm Allowed to leave hospital this evening. Doctor very happy with toupee surgery. Foot apparently healed nicely as well. Stung with huge hospital bill, but offered to go 'double or nothing' for it. And won! All right!! Luck clearly on improve.
14th of July, 2004 Diary Note: 10:30 pm Home. Feel strange surge of creativity. Rewrote screenplay, added thrilling mafioso subplot. Screenplay now quite long, but loath to cut anything. Also, took 30 minute casino break. Won $6100! Things looking up in every way. Hair still looks great. Called Jon Bon Jovi to try and make peace, but was overcome with urge to sing off-key version of 'Wanted: Dead Or Alive' instead. Baby steps.
15th of July, 2004 Diary Note: 2:20 pm Lunch with Sofia Coppola and Bill Murray to discuss new screenplay. Showed her longer version. Even more enthused now, but proposes that we split in half, a la Kill Bill. As breakpoint was being discussed, we were interrupted by collapsing Jason Alexander. At first thought it some kind of gag, then realised JA choking. SC kept cool head, performed Heimlich manoeuvre. BM kept less cool head, performed emergency tracheotomy long after food morsel dislodged and despite JA's best resistance. Blood everywhere.
16th of July, 2004 Diary Note: 1:10 pm Back at hospital. This time as visitor. Checking in on Jason Alexander, seeing how he was recovering from Bill Murray impromptu tracheotomy. Seemed to be on mend. Commiserated with him on breakdown of marriage to Britney Spears. JA shrugged off commiserations. Denied wedding to BS (despite massive media coverage). Claimed it was different Jason Alexander. Am sceptical. Became moreso when JA revealed that despite being alleged non-ex-husband, he was invited to BS's secret wedding to Kevin Federline this weekend. Then scalped me tickets. Hmmm... Went to school with a Kevin Federline... Wonder if it's same one, or one of Jason Alexander's infamous celebrity dopplegangers.
17th of July, 2004 Diary Note: 1:10 pm Took Janeane Garofalo to Britney Spears' wedding. Enjoyable, but distracted by unshakeable notion of BS's father in lower room, wielding own brand of irrefutable justice.
18th of July, 2004 Diary Note: 11:30 pm flew back from britney spears' secret wedding. discovered shift key had been ruined by some interloper into computer room. suspect tom arnold...
19th of July, 2004 Diary Note: 12:45 pm about to leave for airport, track down shift key breaker on computer keyboard. don't know how long will be gone for - have overwhelming urge to find horse. not sure why, but know somebody's going to regret it.
20th of July, 2004 Diary Note: 12:30 pm Flight landed in York, England. Not sure how as certain original destination was 1950s Hollywood. Blame Einsteinian wormhole and/or lack of functioning time machine.
21st of July, 2004 Diary Note: 4:30 pm Tracked down Tom Arnold. TA wanted to know how he'd been found. Refused to tell him. Ordered him to fix Shift key or face consequences. Refused. Left me with no choice but to behead champion racehorse. Attempted to do so, but unable to get hand on him. Far too fast. Then tackled by passing policeman. Tempted to shoot him in forehead but stupidly without gun.
22nd of July, 2004 Diary Note: 2:20 pm Police take me to doctor. Doc insists that Mario Puzo appendix be removed as it has infected personality. Not keen to stay in hospital. Am convinced assassins will find me and lack resourceful, rescuing son. Or, indeed, medical insurance.
23rd of July, 2004 Diary Note: 8:50 pm Catch plane for home. While watching awful Ben Affleck movie become more and more convinced that traitor is Clemenza!! Sadly, don't know any Clemenzas.
24th of July, 2004 Diary Note: 10:30 pm Short day due to rotation of Earth. Manage to make further notes on screenplay. Now 80% gangster epic, 15% time travel flick, 10% searing expose on innumeracy.
25th of July, 2004 Diary Note: 11:30 pm Arrive back home. Buy new keyboard. In retrospect, far cheaper option. Sleep.
26th of July, 2004 Diary Note: 11:00 am Visit by Sofia Coppola and Francis Ford Coppola. Want to purchase significant portion of screenplay for rejigging as new Godfather prequel, Godfather Episode 0: The Phantom Menace. Agree on condition that I am left with remainder of screenplay for own purposes. SC and FFC agree to condition. Should perhaps have included agent in negotiations.
27th of July, 2004 Diary Note: 8:50 pm Looked at tattered remnants of script. The Coppolas have taken all good dialogue and plot twists. Am now left with nothing but rudimentary time travel plot and character named Bubila. Am quite certain no script ever won Oscar with these as foundations. Must contemplate next move carefully. Will call Ashley Judd tomorrow.
28th of July, 2004 Diary Note: 11:10 pm Called Ashley Judd. Was put on hold for three and a half hours! AJ claimed she 'forgot' I was on other line. Very rude. Have powerful urge to set lethal toll booth trap for her. Instead, will call her back tomorrow.
29th of July, 2004 Diary Note: 11:30 pm Put on hold again by Ashley Judd!! After ninety minutes bopping to hold music, eventually realised it was Jon Bon Jovi song in muzak form. Panicked. Hung up. Went to seminar on 'Animals in Broadway Musicals'. Fascinating.
30th of July, 2004 Diary Note: 7:30 pm Finally got through to Ashley Judd. Invited me to dinner party tomorrow night to celebrate end of July, her flawless facial features. Some might consider latter reason narcissistic. Pointed this out to her. AJ responded that she'd deliberately only invited people who consider both points of celebration equally objective measures of fact.
31st of July, 2004 Diary Note: 11:30 pm Dinner party at Ashley Judd's place. Took Janeane Garofalo along with me. As expected, AJ repeated her 'caught outside cabin in nude' story. Somewhat tedious as most of us had heard anecdote on Leno earlier in week. JG was only one to call her on it, though. Result was tears and banishment from party. Vow to never watch Leno again. Should be easy enough to keep.
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