Dan Liebke’s Astonishing Tales

1st of May, 2004 Diary Note: 11:55 pm Call from Ashley Judd this afternoon. Poker game delayed until tomorrow night. Gives me more time to practise drawing to inside straight. Stayed home with Luke ‘Perfect Steak’ Perry instead. Watched Average Joe Hawaii finale. Made no sense whatsoever. Called Fabio for explanation. None forthcoming. Drank vodka shots all night in protest.

2nd of May, 2004 Diary Note: 10:20 pm Poker night with Ashley Judd, self, Teri Hatcher and Joe ‘The Elegance’ Beevers. Plan was for ‘The Elegance’ to teach us finer points of poker for future foray into casino. Lessons didn’t seem to help as ended up losing almost $3600. After evening ended, AJ revealed my ‘tell’. Apparently, when I bluff, whistle ‘We Built This City’ by Starship. Still, not total loss. TH agreed to play role of AJ’s apprentice fishmonger in screenplay. Very useful, will bring much-needed ‘Lois and Clark’ cachet to shoot, which would otherwise be lacking. Note to self: where is Dean Cain now?

3rd of May, 2004 Diary Note: 9:50 pm Stephen ‘El Bochito’ Bochco called back about new Newsradio/gritty cop drama version of script. Had been worried about how El Bochito would react to unusual stylistic blend. Found out. Didn’t like at all. Thought it far too gritty, had decided to pass. Not five minutes later, Dave Foley called. Revealed he found script simply too reminiscent of Newsradio and too sitcomey. Had decided to pass as well. Sigh. Must let that be lesson.

4th of May, 2004 Diary Note: 8:40 pm Cranky all day. Annoyed by twin rejections of screenplay. Vowed never to alter script from original vision again. Took out frustration by kicking Ellen Degeneres’s butt at ping pong. Unfair, perhaps, but she’ll understand. She’s good like that.

5th of May, 2004 Diary Note: 1:00 pm Spent morning fixing up screenplay, removing Dave Foley and El Bochito’s influence. Went to lunch, had lobster roll. Halfway through, Seth Green comes running up. Tells me that Jon Bon Jovi is ‘on warpath’ - wants to ’smack me upside my buttocks’. Seth volunteered to fight alongside me. Grateful, but frankly not of much use. Seth nice guy but fights like girl. Not combat-savvy girl like Buffy, Xena, etc either. More like Dame Judi Dench - withering glares aplenty but few sturdy blows.

6th of May, 2004 Diary Note: 8:25 pm Fist fight with Jon Bon Jovi. Writing diary entry from wireless access point in hospital. Groggy. Mild concussion. Explain more tomorrow after ice cream.

7th of May, 2004 Diary Note: 2:40 pm Checked self out of hospital following yesterday’s fight with Jon Bon Jovi. Started when JBJ tracked me down in khaki jacket shop, shopping for new khaki jacket. JBJ launched into tirade about Jessica Alba. Claimed I was ‘insensitive cretin’ for not returning any of JA’s phone calls. Further claimed I had ‘ruthlessly discarded her’ in favour of Ashley Judd. Tried to refute claims: 1) Have received no calls from JA in weeks, 2) AJ and I just friends, 3) don’t see– Only got halfway through third point when JBJ leapt onto head, tore toupee from scalp, tried to strangle me with cape. Lost consciousness. Woke up in hospital. JBJ’s behaviour bizarre but won’t confront again without backup. Note to self, see if Lucy Lawless free.

8th of May, 2004 Diary Note: 12:15 pm Up early, called Jessica Alba in bid to discover why she was so upset with me. Didn’t get far. She hissed incoherently, then hung up. Tried again, same response. Hmmmm… angry because her character in script no longer breakdancing vampire? Called Bill Murray for advice. BM typically zen - advised me to ‘become character’, then ‘become Jessica’ and see if I was same person. No idea what he’s talking about.

9th of May, 2004 Diary Note: 11:55 pm Purchased Thrones and Patriots expansion to Rise of Nations computer game today. Spent all day playing online against David Schwimmer and Matthew Perry. Let them win. Distressed enough about end of careers without me crushing their fledgling empires as well.

10th of May, 2004 Diary Note: 10:50 pm Interrupted rewrite of script to send best wishes telegram to Boston Rob and Amber… least I could do. There is, after all, nothing quite so touching as the love of a reality TV show doofus for his newly crowned millionairess bimbette.

11th of May, 2004 Diary Note: 9:00 pm Frantic phone call from Jamie Farr. Apparently his phone number same as mine except two digits reversed. Seemed like pointless numerological trivia until Farr revealed he had received myriad of pleading phone calls from Jessica Alba over past few weeks. Now realised that calls had been meant for me. Had originally ignored because of mistaken belief that JA was related in some sense to ‘endlessly irritating’ Alan Alda.

12th of May, 2004 Diary Note: 10:20 pm Decided to go visit Jessica Alba. Sort out wrong phone number problem once and/or for all. Worried that Jon Bon Jovi might be there and attack toupee again so took Sir Mix-A-Lot for protection. Turned out JA not home, so spent ninety minutes playing seven card stud with Sir. Lost $3400. Went home. Stopped at ATM on way.

13th of May, 2004 Diary Note: 2:40 pm Finished rewrite of script. Now pristine and unsullied by crass, outside commercial influences. Had lunch with Janeane Garofalo to celebrate. Sushi and sausage rolls. Went to pay, realised wallet empty. JG covered me, then proposed quick Texas Holdem hand of poker - double or nothing. Lost. Several times. Now owe JG $1700. Expensive lunch. Note to self, call Kenny Rogers.

14th of May, 2004 Diary Note: 4:40 pm Naomi Watts dropped in. Proposed skating birthday party for Kylie Minogue at local rink in fortnight’s time. ‘Just like old times,’ opined NW. Drives me nuts. Knows perfectly well my birthday on same day and loathe skating anyway. Had no choice but to reject NW’s scheme. Weakened by NW’s inevitable follow-up pout. NW then also promised to wear short skirt, tight top, ponytail, perhaps revisit favourite scene from Mulholland drive. Gave in. Damn her to Hades!

15th of May, 2004 Diary Note: 11:40 pm (?) Lunch with Naomi Watts to organise Kylie Minogue’s birthday party. Ended up showing her script, doing some improv on belching contest scene. Lunch turned into dinner, decision to go to casino, play baccarat. Bumped into Ashley Judd there. Settled in for next couple of hours. Lost $14600.

16th of May, 2004 Diary Note: 9:30 pm Stumbled out of casino. Apparently hadn’t been playing for two hours, more like twenty-two! Damn lack of clocks! Feel much better about this though as means my average dollar loss per hour significantly lower than originally thought. Home straight to bed.

17th of May, 2004 Diary Note: 9:15 pm Woke up at about 3:30pm to phone call. Had done best to sleep through first eight calls. Ninth was clincher. Answered crabbily only to hear unmistakeable giggle of Sean Astin who followed giggling with Tourettian bout of swearing and bizarre impression of Samuel L Jackson in Pulp Fiction. Took phone off hook. Returned to bed. Didn’t even notice dozing Ashley Judd in bathtub until just now. Removed plug.

18th of May, 2004 Diary Note: 9:15 pm Bill Murray over this morning. Told him about weekend. BM worried about gambling debts incurred. Offered advice. Gibberish about knowing when to hold cards, when to fold them, etc. Accused BM of plagiarising from Kenny Rogers. BM reached down, pulled face off to reveal face of Kenny! Woke up in sweat. Horrific, horrific dream. Must mean something. Dashed out, bought Kenny Roger’s Greatest Hits. Listened closely.

19th of May, 2004 diary note: 10:15 pm phone call from hugh grant interested in script. listened to hg offer opening greetings and inquiry about health. alas, due to hg’s trademark stammering these opening sentences took two hours to spew forth. was forced to hang up, go to volleyball practise. got home to find shift key on keyboard broken. will fix later. for now, feel like kd lang.

20th of May, 2004 Diary Note: 11:55 pm Took longer than expected to fix keyboard. Eventually found problem, however. Somehow, chicken wing had been lodged beneath shift key. Tom Arnold almost certainly to blame.

21st of May, 2004 Diary Note: 11:55 pm Caught up with Naomi Watts and Nicole Kidman last night. Tried to organise surprise party for Kylie Minogue for next Friday. Eventually locked horns on cuisine. NW adamant sushi way to go, whereas NK insisted on providing raw fish treats she’d discovered recently in Japan. Sighed. Eventually suggested they try and find some middle ground. Pair of them reluctant at first, but eventually agreed. NK then asked when my birthday was. Maddening!! She knows it’s on the same day as Kylie’s. She does this every year. Bitch.

22nd of May, 2004 Diary Note: 11:45 pm Bought George Foreman Grill today. Ashley Judd came over. Brought trout. Fried. Delicious and low in fat. Discussed script. Then watched copy of ‘The Firm’ that Jeanne Tripplehorn had sent me. (JT keen to play role of Juanita the saucy Spanish cocktail waitress and professor of chronology.) As watched movie, AJ kept making snarky comments about JT and how fat she looked. Think it was ‘fat’. Perhaps it was ‘phat’. Unclear on homophone. Still, that Tom Cruise sure can run fast when he puts mind to it, can’t he? Impressive. Finished evening with several hands of canasta. Lost $2400.

23rd of May, 2004 Diary Note: 11:35 pm Rob Lowe came around. Helped tidy garage, computer room. Put rubbish out for pickup. RL surprisingly strong. Like pack-horse. After we finished, got in RL’s ute. Drove around, scavenging. Found box kite. Repaired. Flew with aplomb. Grand day.

24th of May, 2004 Diary Note: 2:35 pm Jessica Alba popped in just before lunch. Wanted to ‘clear air’, sort out ‘issues’. Long chat over home-delivered ribs ensued. JA conceded mistakes had been made on both sides. Felt we should forget past, focus on future and script. Agreed. (Actually, don’t believe any mistakes made on my side, but went along for sake of argument. Also, she paid for ribs.)

25th of May, 2004 Diary Note: 10:10 pm Fantastic day! Lunch meeting with Ron Howard to discuss script. RH likes it lots. Wants no significant changes. Keen for my input on casting. Perfect! Was mildly perturbed by insistence upon calling me ‘Pottsie’ but ultimately decided to treat this as minor quirk.

26th of May, 2004 Diary Note: 10:10 pm Follow up meeting with Ron Howard. Took Janeane Garofalo’s advice and upgraded toupee, traded in cape for leather jacket. JG’s happy eye worked perfectly - RH called me ‘Fonz’ throughout afternoon and farewelled me with heartfelt ‘eyyyyyyyyy’.

27th of May, 2004 Diary Note: 10:45 pm Spent evening with Naomi Watts and Nicole Kidman. Put final touches on Kylie Minogue surprise birthday party. Should be fun, but don’t know where I’ll find reticulated python at this late hour. Got home. Message - ‘Please call Donny Most’?!?

28th of May, 2004 Diary Note: 11:45 pm Big evening at skating rink with Nicole Kidman, Naomi Watts and co celebrating Kylie Minogue’s birthday. Heath behaved like total jerk, skating backwards into people. Nicole had good time. Asked me when my birthday was. Bitch.

29th of May, 2004 Diary Note: 11:45 pm Surprise party!! Thomas Dolby showed up around noon. Took me to movies. Saw ‘The Day After Tomorrow’. Didn’t drink at all. In retrospect, big clue. Went home to surprise party. Amazing. So many people there. Ashley Judd. Jessica Alba. Peter Weir. Slightly crazed Val Kilmer. And many more. Ron Howard also there. But revealed he had no interest in screenplay. Had simply been part of web of lies to keep me off surprise birthday track. So, that was kind of downer.

30th of May, 2004 Diary Note: 11:50 pm Slept to noon. Was woken by Pat Morita, Scott Baio and Anson Williams knocking on door. Looking for party. Bloody Henry Winkler gave them wrong day info. Invited them in. Then couldn’t get them to leave. Almost as bad as Tom Arnold, but at least didn’t mess around with wireless computer network.

31st of May, 2004 Diary Note: 3:00 pm Spent most of morning trying to fix internet connection. Wasted rest of morning watching ‘Jack and Jill’ on Arena. Ground-breaking TV show. She’s Jack. He’s Jill. They twisted it all around. Note to self, give main protagonist in screenplay woman’s name.

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