Dan Liebke’s Astonishing Tales

1st of April, 2004 Diary Note: 1:05 pm Picked up contact lens cleaner and toupee paste from chemist. Once again, behind Val Kilmer in queue. Frustrating. Does he camp out at chemist waiting for me?? And once again, VK incited delays with unfathomable bout of fury. Tried to calm him down, but to limited avail. VK ended up kicking over sunglasses rack and running through glass door, shattering it, cutting him badly. Didn’t deter him. Grabbed some Betadine and disappeared over balcony. Bizarre! April Fool joke gone wrong?? Asked chemist what VK’s problem was. Chemist refused to say, citing patient-chemist confidentiality. Intriguing and frustrating. Bet it has something to do with head lice. Can’t say why, just hunch.

2nd of April, 2004 Diary Note: 12:45 pm Late night shopping with Janeane Garofalo last night. Garofalo purchased two medium-sized shipping crates. Refused to reveal why, but insisted they have no airholes. Puzzling. Later, went into music store to buy new trombone wipe. Noticed sheet music: ‘It’s Easy To Play Celine Dion’. Easy, perhaps, but wrong.

3rd of April, 2004 Diary Note: 11:25 pm Saw Sean Astin on bus today. Neck covered in enormous hickey! Couldn’t tear gaze from it. Why?? For love of god, why? Covered face with cape. Lowered toupee. Stayed hidden. Went home, left snide message on SA’s answering machine. Then had giggle fit for 45 minutes. Feel much better.

4th of April, 2004 Diary Note: 9:10 pm Shopping again with Janeane Garofalo today. Found Batman DVD (original Batman, starring Adam West and Burt Ward). Purchased it. Held off JG’s ridicule with aplomb and dash. Also saw dressing gown with Superman logo on it. Managed to resist only by calling on reserves of willpower that bordered on superhuman. Pointed out irony. Garofalo certain I am regressing to six year old state. Nonsense! Completely disagree with word ‘regressing’.

5th of April, 2004 Diary Note: 9:20 pm Bit metaphorical bullet today. Dropped in on Val Kilmer to discuss his ongoing chemist rages. VK denied everything. Unsure what to make of this. Still, he seemed in good spirits. Perfect host. Fed me toffee. Performed impromptu magic show. Must admit VK’s sleight of hand very impressive. Didn’t even notice empty wallet until almost three-quarters of way home.

6th of April, 2004 Diary Note: 4:45 pm Over at Bruce Springsteen’s house for birthday party for his dog, The Almighty Mr Spinner. Boss went into annual rant about ‘dog years’. “Almighty is seven today,” revealed Boss. “That’s 49 in human years.” He took deep breath. Glared at us all. “It is not, repeat NOT, 49 in ‘dog’ years. Because that makes no sense at all. He is 49 in human years. That is all.” Alas, Ashley Judd forgot Boss’s stance on canine chrono-nomenclature and was forced to go home early on back of frightful ear-bashing.

7th of April, 2004 Diary Note: 2:45 pm Took some smoked trout around to Ashley Judd’s house. Wanted to see if she’d recovered from Springsteen’s withering glare and harsh words re: dog years. AJ said she was fine. Could see Boss’s semantic point, but couldn’t see why he was “so dogmatic about it.” Pair of us giggled over pun for a bit. Swept up in moment, made fumbling pass at her. Smoothly rejected by AJ. Ate trout in awkward silence.

8th of April, 2004 Diary Note: 12:45 pm Lunch meeting with Stephen Bochco. Discussed possibility of turning screenplay into gritty cop drama. Ideally starring Jimmy Smits. Pleased with discussions, but was slightly put off by SB’s insistence that I call him ‘the Bochmeister’.

9th of April, 2004 Diary Note: 11:30 pm Bumped into Rob Lowe at shopping mall. Looked harried and confused. “Why is nothing open??” he wailed. Felt sorry for him. Explained Good Friday concept. “So why is IKEA open?” he asked. Explained about soulless pagans of IKEA. RL nodded in understanding. Went in. Bought DVD pop-case. Astute.

10th of April, 2004 Diary Note: 5:00 pm Woke up early this morning in excitable sweat! Fantastic new idea for screenplay. Instead of having hero travel back through time, why not have his tap shoes do so? Now that is something to pitch.

11th of April, 2004 Diary Note: 7:55 pm Large-scale sinus headache today. Janeane Garofalo came over to rub forehead and talk about her new kitten, Novel. Asked her where name ‘Novel’ came from. “Well,” she said. “It’s a long story…” Boom-tish. Thank you, JG.

12th of April, 2004 Diary Note: 11:55 pm Call from Ashley Judd. Wanted to know seven letter word beginning with ‘A’ meaning ‘harbinger of collapse of all that we hold sacred and true’. Told her ‘Affleck’. AJ knew that. So why make call? Think she’s fishing for role in film. Am going to play it cool with her. Still, note to self. Add fisherwoman role to screenplay.

13th of April, 2004 Diary Note: 9:10 pm Played Rise of Nations computer game against Liam Neeson today. Unleashed a Korean ju-jitsu Partisan rush at me. Sacked my capital. Claimed swift victory. Very wily. Also, sent Ashley Judd script, complete with new fishmonger character. Sassy, but superb scaler. Sure AJ will love it.

14th of April, 2004 Diary Note: 12:55 pm Another lunch meeting with Stephen Bochco. Told me that if I didn’t want to call him ‘the Bochmeister’ could always call him ‘El Bochito’ instead. Much prefer. El Bochito excited about time-travelling tap shoes angle to screenplay. Thinks he can make it very gritty indeed. Wasn’t 100% listening however as attention grabbed by Jessica Alba and Jon Bon Jovi having heated discussion in corner booth. Attempt at reconciliation gone wrong? Couldn’t tell, despite best eavesdropping attempts. Also, El Bochito has promised to get Jimmy ‘McSmit’ Smits to call tomorrow re: main protagonist role.

15th of April, 2004 Diary Note: 8:50 pm Call from Jimmy ‘McSmit’ Smits. Revealed that it was he, not Liam Neeson, who defeated me in Rise of Nations computer game other day. Don’t understand purpose of such cyber-emulation. McSmit muttered something about El Bochito thinking it would impress upon me how gritty and perfect McSmit was for role. Didn’t really follow as was suffering from sinus headache. Will determine if McSmit’s actions makes sense when headache goes away. Also, called Ashley Judd while high on sinus medication. Unsure what was said, but have sinking feeling one of us made fool of ourselves. Recall giggle fit over word ’salami’. Again, will determine whether this was error when post-headache society dawns.

16th of April, 2004 Diary Note: 1:45 pm Feeling better today. Ashley Judd popped in with chicken soup and salami. Praised script. Improvised entire backstory for fishmonger character. Very impressive. Love notion of fishmonger being air traffic controller on hiatus. Inventive. Halfway through relaxing game of whist when Jessica Alba popped in with own batch of chicken soup and backgammon board. No salami, however. JA saw AJ. Leapt to unfortunate conclusion. Angrily excused herself. Stormed out. Took soup with her. Boy! Never rains, but it pours.

17th of April, 2004 Diary Note: 10:40 pm Got home this afternoon. Phone message from Keira Knightley. Said she had dream that I woke her up to ask her what she was dreaming about. So was calling to tell me. Considerate.

18th of April, 2004 Diary Note: 11:30 pm Spontaneous trip to zoo. Bumped into Tom Arnold at pygmy hippopotamus enclosure. Didn’t recognise at first. Consequences devastating! Tom espied me and tagged along rest of day, offering strange morsels of little known facts about each animal. Reasonably sure he was making them up - can’t believe that meerkats show aggression to predators by forming small pyramids. Nor that zebras see only in infrared. Yet another pitiful cry for attention from Tom.

19th of April, 2004 Diary Note: 10:50 pm Out making bonsai rose bushes when Tom Arnold clambered over fence. Had managed to procure two tickets to New Sea World Show - When Dolphins Rebel. Thought I might like to join him. Couldn’t think of valid excuse to beg off. Started to claim allergy to ski shows but ground to halt mid-excuse when realised it was inane. Now forced to go. More annoyingly, while fobbing off Tom missed phone call from Ashley Judd. AJ wanted me to go over to her place, learn to count cards. Damn Tom Arnold! Damn him to hell and back!! Might have to sell house.

20th of April, 2004 Diary Note: 9:15 pm Surprised by pop-in from Janeane Garofalo. Invited me to poetry rally. Bumped into Dave Foley who volunteered to fund movie, play lead role. Perfect. Wanted to know if script could be made ‘more Newsradio-ish’. Tentatively agreed despite Garofalo’s protestations.

21st of April, 2004 Diary Note: 2:15 pm Working hard on new draft of script. Protagonist now radio news director rather than systems analyst. On Dave Foley’s recommendation, have also added character for Andy Dick. Have been warned AD difficult to work with - tends to slurp coffee, misquote Hemingway - but willing to take risk. Interrupted mid-spelunking scene by call from Bruce Springsteen. Informed me that I forgot Ashley Judd’s birthday. Apparently, AJ very upset by lapse. Had hoped for birthday trout. Damn, damn, damn!! Must make it up to her somehow. Will start by murdering Tom Arnold.

22nd of April, 2004 Diary Note: 10:35 pm Called Ashley Judd. Sang ‘Happy Belated Birthday To You’ in Spanish. Mostly for bilingual show-off factor. Eventually finished melodious version of ‘Los Cumpleaños Atrasados felices A Usted’. Waited for response. Pleased with myself. AJ accused me of being blatantly monolingual, cheating via free web translation service. Horrified she’d think such thing. True, sure, but still horrific.

23rd of April, 2004 Diary Note: 1:20 pm Lunch meeting with Dave Foley to discuss new direction for screenplay. Foley wanted to know if possible to create role for late Phil Hartman. Plans to ’splice in’ old footage from Newsradio days. Am uneasy about this. Feel it detracts from integrity of script. On plus side, will save on filming costs. Must weigh up carefully. Foley suggested he email me shows so I can peruse for usable Hartman dialogue. Explained to him that even with modern video compression techniques emailing me 75-odd half-hour shows probably beyond the pale.

24th of April, 2004 Diary Note: 11:45 pm Hard at work on bike race subplot when Thomas Dolby popped in. Invited me out for quick drink. Ended up at bar drinking Thai Dans. Much was made of fact that a) my name Dan and b) am not Thai. Also, drinks being served by John Larroquette - made startling claims about Night Court cast. Apparently, Markie Post pyromaniac! Then realised JL’s name on show was ‘Dan’. Found this significant at time. Can’t think why.

25th of April, 2004 Diary Note: 11:50 pm Went to upload diary entry for yesterday, noticed internet connection down. Thomas Dolby convinced we could fix. Ended up tearing apart entire wireless network, furiously debating mechanics of 802.11b protocol. Eventually abandoned WLAN and headed over to casino. Saw Ashley Judd cleaning up on blackjack table. Joined her. Won $1200 myself. Celebrated by buying far too large tuxedo, making ‘mock’-wedding proposal to AJ. She laughed off. Joined in laughing-off convincingly. Decided to accompany her to Anzac Day dawn service. Still drunk. Stole bugle at critical moment. Captured by police and thrown in prison. Foolishly wasted one phone call with prank call to Sean Astin.

26th of April, 2004 Diary Note: 11:40 pm Long night in prison. Details of stay not worth revealing. Eventually bailed out by passing Tom Arnold. Promised to repay him. TA replied that only payment he needs is our ongoing friendship and loyalty to one another. Raced home to immediately transfer money to TA’s account via online banking. Forgot internet connection still down. Damn!

27th of April, 2004 Diary Note: 12:05 pm Woke up late this morning. Pleasant surprise! Network up again. Note from Tom Arnold explaining how he’d rebuilt and cloned new EMAC address. Also will simply not accept repayment of bail money. What are friends for? Went to make breakfast. Noticed fridge completely empty! Even baking soda gone. Had entire pork roast in there! Will teach me to leave TA alone in house with unlocked fridge.

28th of April, 2004 Diary Note: 10:40 pm Dinner with El Bochito (Stephen Bochco) and McSmit (Jimmy Smits). Are less enthused with Dave Foley’s proposed Newsradio spin on script. Want to know how I will reconcile this with gritty crime version. Had no good answer for them, so went with enigmatic ‘trust me’ smile. Bought me time. Went home. Checked messages. None from Ashley Judd. Just usual bimonthly begging from Liz Phair. Deleted. Sighed. Clambered off to bed.

29th of April, 2004 Diary Note: 10:10 pm Hard at work all day making Newsradioesque gritty cop drama for El Bochito and Dave Foley. Particularly fond of new scene where Jimmy Smits discovers dismembered body of Andy Dick. Showed scene to Janeane Garofalo. She commented it would work best with no CGI or makeup whatsoever, a la Lars von Trier’s Dogme95 ultra-realistic school of cinema. Note to self, delve deeper into Garofalo’s loathing of AD.

30th of April, 2004 Diary Note: 1:20 pm Called Ashley Judd to see what was up. AJ sulky and noncommunicative. Eventually managed to discover moodiness due to my failure to bail her out of jail last weekend. Hadn’t even realised she had been imprisoned! Pressed further. Discovered she had been charged with public mischief, indecent exposure and cattle rustling. AJ clearly far drunker than originally realised. Smoothed things over with tasteless joke about conjoined twins. Invited to poker game at her beach house tomorrow night. Must get rankings right. Full house beats flush. Full house beats flush. Full house beats flush.

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