SCREENWRITER DIARY
Score: 7 / 10 
February, 2004
1st of February, 2004 Diary Note: 4:15 am All-nighter working on screenplay with Justine Bateman. Planned to meet JB for brunch but traffic delays meant no-show until 2 pm. Discussed script over chicken, then improv'd new ending. Excited by twist, but unsure whether mainstream audiences are ready for cross-dressing robo-exorcist priests. Time will tell. Also, must buy fresh mayo.
2nd of February, 2004 Diary Note: 1:25 pm Quick lunch - greasy gross chicken and chips. Browsed book store afterwards. Found 'Living Healthy On Greasy Gross Chicken (And Chips)'. Timely! Skimmed, but didn't purchase on account of overly elaborate serif font and abundance of unnecessary swears. Back to office. Missed call from Tom Arnold. Secretly glad.
3rd of February, 2004 Diary Note: 10:30 am Visited optometrist for lens calibration. Bumped into Rupert Everett while there. Rupert now legally blind! Pitched script idea, Rupert keen. Asked me to send full script to him. Also informed me that duck quacks do not echo!! Revelation totally undermines third act. Ponder on train. Will another mallard be as satisfying, both from plot integrity and emotional POV? Returned home, Braille puncher unfathomable. Decided to make voice recording of script instead. Hope Rupert has Walkman.
4th of February, 2004 Diary Note: 12:45 pm Incoherent, angry phone call from Sean Astin. Accused me of being 'lazy, self-righteous and somebody he wouldn't vomit on for fear of wasting perfectly good vomit'. Went on to add that I was 'too blue-eyed to make sense'. Then hung up. Baffling. Wrong number? Meant to call Elijah Wood?? Also, Spader's agent called. Spader definitely out. Not overly disappointed, as forced perspective camera angle trig was giving me headache. Also, worried that he would be sat upon. Have now set min. height requirement. Discrimination Board be damned!
5th of February, 2004 Diary Note: 1:15 pm Lunch with Belinda Carlisle at local sandwich shop. Discussed Astin phone call. BC equally baffled. Told her ladder scene was back in script - BC very excited! Claims scene is statesmanlike yet whimsical. Sandwich service delayed by BC's ongoing 'salt and pepper?' dilemma. Eventually forced to decide on her behalf. Went for pepper only. As we left, noticed Jon Bon Jovi sitting alone in corner booth. Ignored him. Can't forget betrayal. Also, he had snow pea sprout stuck in teeth. Looked absurd... Good.
6th of February, 2004 Diary Note: 4:55 pm Meeting with Ethan Hawke. EH keen to not only star, but also direct and produce. Talks eventually broke down with revelation he also wanted to code computer game version of film. Showed me sprites. Animation dreadful. Also, Val Kilmer arguing with chemist again. Angry, angry man. Must talk to him.
7th of February, 2004 Diary Note: 9:45 pm Cab ride home. Mentioned screenplay. Mistake. Driver adamant that 'Ghostbusters' is greatest film of all time. 'The ghostbusters were scientists!' he roared, pounding dashboard. 'People forget their dual nature.' Also opined that Rick Moranis was robbed of Best Supporting Actor Oscar by 'that Killing Fields guy'. Paid fare, backed out of cab slowly, driver yelling 'Send script to Reitman!!' over and over as he drove off.
8th of February, 2004 Diary Note: 5:25 pm Invited Bill Murray over to watch cricket, discuss script. Bill doesn't like breakdancing vampires - feels they are too Michael Jackson circa Thriller album. Forced to concede point. Told him about Ghostbuster-loving cab driver, but Bill too glued to Matt Hayden century to appreciate. Advised me not to call Reitman, who has apparently been stricken with Tourette's Syndrome.
9th of February, 2004 Diary Note: 2:00 pm Ducked out of office to pick up new contact lens cleaning fluid. While gone, missed call from Rupert Everett. Called back only to find now he was out. Damn and blast! Hate playing phone tag with Rupert, as his answering machine message is stilted and unfunny. Each time I hear it, I have renewed doubts about his ability to play lead role. Harsh, but how I feel. Still, better than Lionel Richie's message, which is forced Jack Nicholson impression. "You can't handle the beep!!" Who says such things??
10th of February, 2004 Diary Note: 3:30 pm Been on phone all day to journalists prying into Janeane Garofalo paternity suit. Apparently, there are photos taken of us last night at Flower-Weaving Tournament. Explained that we are just friends and that pic of me with hand in her back pocket was simply foreshortening illusion. Also, spoke to a Baldwin. Refused to tell me which one, but kept saying 'Word!!' as a synonym for 'I agree'. Very annoying. Bet it was Billy.
11th of February, 2004 Diary Note: 8:30 am Saw Springsteen on way to work today. He was out walking his dog, The Almighty Mr Spinner. Watched Almighty do a few trademark rotations then asked Boss whether he would write song for movie. He agreed, but refused to see script. Asked instead for me to describe underlying theme in less than one word. Pondered carefully before deciding on '-liness'. Boss cleaned up excrement and left, humming.
12th of February, 2004 Diary Note: 1:55 pm Late night last night discussing Theory of Everything with Jessica Alba. She is adamant that fundamental forces of nature can be unified and that ten-dimensional superstring model is best path to said unification. Find myself not so sure, as how does one reconcile quantum theory of time?? JA had no answer. Rest of night hazy trawl through Heisenberg, Bohr, Schrodinger et al. Recall at one point we went looking for a cat, but this came to naught. Still, fun evening. Must do again soon.
13th of February, 2004 Diary Note: 1:55 pm Chicken schnitzel sandwich for lunch. Saw Jon Bon Jovi again. Still eating alone - although own solo status prevented me from taking high ground. JBJ messy. Laksa of some kind(?). Ignored him magnificently. Went back to office. Message on machine: Springsteen humming new song! Lyrics sketchy (at least, assume sketchy, perhaps Boss is now scat artist). Quite liked, but eerily similar to Petulia Clark's 'Downtown'. Probably won't mention this observation.
14th of February, 2004 Diary Note: 11:45 am Valentine's Day! Sent flowers to Jessica Alba, along with updated version of screenplay. Covered screenplay in hastily scrawled hearts. Also, blacked out trout scene as figured this would ruin romantic mood. Not sure whether this will work, but worth a shot.
15th of February, 2004 Diary Note: 7:25 pm Jessica Alba finally returned calls. Received flowers and screenplay. JA very, very flattered but decided she'd 'rather be friends'. And furthermore 'not particularly close friends either - the kind that you have in your mobile phone but never actually call'. Disappointed but probably for best. In retrospect, current girlfriend may well have taken umbrage at proposed dalliance with JA. Yes. For the best. Don't need stunningly beautiful 22 yo television actresses anyway. Besides, checked box office returns for 'Honey' and... Ew.
16th of February, 2004 Diary Note: 2:15 pm Called Springsteen to discuss song. Boss couldn't talk - had vet around investigating Almighty Mr Spinner, who has unsightly rash. Hypothesised that Almighty's problems caused by centrifugal force. Vet non-committal on theory - typical veterinarian snootiness. Reminded me of JBJ. Assured by Boss that song is 'coming together nicely' despite Almighty's posterior issues.
17th of February, 2004 Diary Note: 7:00 pm Excellent day's work. New vision for grave-robbing scene. Why not show from coffin POV??? Much less obsequious now. Lost hour's writing time hiding in house pretending not to be home. Must confess to being impressed and troubled by Tom Arnold's knocking persistence.
18th of February, 2004 Diary Note: 4:45 pm Selling David Bowie tickets on eBay. Unfortunate typo meant that many bidders under impression that they were purchasing Mr Bowie himself! Posted hasty clarification. Strangely, price not affected in any way. Unsure what to make of this.
19th of February, 2004 Diary Note: 1:25 pm Feeling cranky today. Unsure why. Decided to go to lunch and pick fight with JBJ. Perhaps mock him by singing 'You Give Love A Bad Name' with wrong lyrics. Annoyed to find him not there. Came back to office and made prank phone call to Sean Astin instead. Prank also consisted of me singing incorrect lyrics to 'You Give Love A Bad Name' which, in retrospect, made no sense. Even crankier now.
20th of February, 2004 Diary Note: 1:25 pm Went to lunch. Saw JBJ with Jessica Alba!! JA laughing at JBJ. Not in bad way, eg 'by Zeus, Jon, your pick up lines are so lame. You're going down in a blaze of glory'. But in good way, eg 'Oh, JBJ, you're so funny. Lay your hands on me'. Hid behind magazine, ate prawn roll. Observed stealthily. Eventually JBJ took JA to shoe store. Bought her sexy boots. Stopped following as began to develop strange feeling in stomach. Jealousy. Or dodgy prawn.
21st of February, 2004 Diary Note: 7:45 pm Urgent SMS from Janeane Garofalo. British tabloids have reignited scandal. Sigh. SMS'd Garofalo back. Told her about Jessica and JBJ. She advised me '2 end silly feud with JBJ'. Hate when she uses numbers as homophones. Not sure why. Just feels dirty.
22nd of February, 2004 Diary Note: 6:50 pm Bill Murray over again for some ales and cricket watching. Gasped in admiration at Ricky Ponting run out. Celebrated with another beer. BM also offered further screenplay advice. 'Minimise adjectives' was one. Also, 'Number scenes consecutively'. Must heed.
23rd of February, 2004 Diary Note: 8:10 pm Ducked into town to pick up new vacuum cleaner bags. Tried three stores, met with defeat at each one. Eventually swallowed pride, went to Les Vacuousity. Paid twice standard price for no clear benefit. Sure, came with free croissant. Custom-fitted to cleaner. Embroidered. But such extras clearly live-withoutable.
24th of February, 2004 Diary Note: 6:35 pm Had haircut today. Mortified when back mirror revealed bald patch. Originally went on tirade at hairdresser. After viewing security cameras and consulting with close friends came to grudging conclusion that am indeed losing hair. Took high road however. Purchased toupee. Complete seamless integration with existing hair. Excellent. Added poignant bald scene to screenplay.
25th of February, 2004 Diary Note: 1:35 pm Fine morning's work. Updated time-travel scene. Now much crueller. Lunched afterwards. Kept eye out for Jessica Alba and JBJ. Eventually found them, sitting in corner, sharing milkshake. Cliched. At one stage, thought they spotted me. JBJ patted head, JA laughed wildly. JBJ making fun of bald spot?? Bastard! Toupee will show him. Must remember to wear tomorrow. Tried to get closer to eavesdrop, but waylaid by Meryl Streep. Cornered me, then droned on endlessly about her new 'blog'. Eventually feigned arrhythmia. Escaped.
26th of February, 2004 Diary Note: 2:45 pm Lunch meeting with Rupert Everett and RE's agent. Large doses of flattery re: script. No mention of toupee. Must truly be seamless blend. Meeting ended in shambles however. Told RE about inability to write around duck quack echo scene. RE bristled. Insisted scene be cut. Claimed it undercut reality of entire film. Sigh. Pointed out to RE that film was breakdancing vampire time-travel flick. RE unbudged. RE agent then proposed duck be replaced by goose. Madness!! Refused point blank. RE stormed out. Agent threw hissy fit. Deliberately knocked over salt shaker. Returned to office to find yet another message from Tom Arnold. What a day!
27th of February, 2004 Diary Note: 1:25 pm Call from Bill Murray. Not coming over to watch cricket tonight. Will be busy writing Oscar acceptance speech. Invited Luke Perry instead. No conflicts there! Also, Luke is magician with BBQ! Ian Ziering calls him 'Perfect Steak' Perry.
28th of February, 2004 Diary Note: 4:00 pm Bruce Springsteen dropped in for breakfast. Played final version of song. Now sounds even more like 'Downtown'. Unsure what to do. If mentioned, sure to embarrass Boss. If not mentioned, stuck with Petulia Clark rip-off?? On brighter front, Almighty Mr Spinner no longer spins anti-clockwise. 'Half-way there!!' assured an excited Boss, as dog rotated in clock-like fashion. Clearly glass half-full/half-empty situation.
29th of February, 2004 Diary Note: 9:00 pm Very tired. Up at 6 am for radio interview - panel discussion 'Should 29 Feb babies be allowed to celebrate birthdays in non-leap years?'. Took 'CON' side. Neil Diamond took 'PRO' side. Kicked ND's debating butt with surprising ease. What could he have been thinking? Also, avoided Garofalo all day on off-chance she'd pop question.
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