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New X-Men Book 5: Assault On Weapon Plus

Table of Contents

Issue One Hundred And Thirty-Nine - Shattered

Uppity Jean is back and she's... well, she's uppity, all right. Scott and Emma have been having a psychic affair while Uppity Jean's mind has been elsewhere, and now it's time for some kick-ass psycho-adultery payback.

Sample panel from New X-Men issue 139

Or, alternatively, an issue worth of yak, yak, yak as Uppity Jean lambasts Emma and takes a psychic journey through her backstory. Emma tries to resist Uppity Jean's poking about in her head and the associated subjecting of the reader to tedious 'The Secret Origin of the White Queen'-style flashbacks. But to little avail, 'cause whenever Emma gets cranky, Uppity Jean gets crankier and starts up with her Phoenix talk (eg 'the fire of the Phoenix burns through lies' and the like). And we all know that when Uppity Jean goes Phoenixey, it's best just to let her go.

Eventually there are tears and confrontation as Scott bursts back in, reveals there has been no actual physical shenanigans, before roaring off idiotically on somebody else's motorcycle (Wolverine's, as it turns out). The crisis averted, Wolvie comforts Emma, Charles comforts Uppity Jean and Beast? Well, he just remains uncomfortable. And that's about it for this daytime soap-infested issue of Grant Morrison's New X-Men... Hmmm? Oh, yes. Except for the last page which reveals the murdered Emma, of course.

MVP: Professor X. When Scott disappears on the stolen motorcycle, the Professor turns to the reader and speaks for all of us when he says 'Oh dear lord. Not the search for Cyclops again'. Professor X, unconstrained by the fourth wall.

(For a proper analysis of this issue, see Geoff Klock's review)

Issue One Hundred And Forty - Murder At The Mansion

As a result of Emma having turned to diamond and been smashed into one zillion and two pieces at the end of last issue, Bishop has been called in. His mission? To solve the murder of Emma while wearing a leather jacket in the middle of summer! Is he up to it? Let's see, shall we?

Sample panel from New X-Men issue 140

He begins by interrogating all the X-Men. First up is Beast, who has a plan to put Emma back together like a jigsaw. With the aid of superglue and no social life to otherwise distract him, Beast sees no reason why he can't succeed in bringing her back to life. Bishop leaves Hank alone with his lunacy and moves onto Charles. He's curious as to whether or not the Professor might be possessed for the nine-hundredth time and, hence, capable of murder. The Professor's (surprisingly short-winded) response? To deny he can dance!?!? Bishop begins to wonder whether anybody in this freakin' nuthouse takes, y'know, murder seriously.

He's right to wonder, because Uppity Jean's response to Bishop's wild-eyed accusations of her having, like, a motive and everything, is simply to dazzle him with her skin-tight unitard. The Quadcreeplets, too young to comfortably resort to beating murder charges via raw sexuality, opt for the more traditional path of, y'know, having an alibi. Some gibberish about watching Logan star in The Boy From Oz with Beast. In the end, Beak, desperate for attention as always, confesses to Beast that he killed Emma and also fathered Angel's freaky children that have just hatched in the cabin out the back of the mansion. "Ew!" says Beast, who is less open-minded than you might think.

MVP: Nightcrawler. He doesn't do or say anything and he only appears in one panel as part of a group shot. But, hell, it's good to see the blue guy again. Don't be a stranger, Kurt!

(For a proper analysis of this issue, see Geoff Klock's review)

Issue One Hundred And Forty-One - Whodunnit

Beak's confession to Emma's murder is, obviously, taken not at all seriously by anybody. Everybody knows what a pathetic try-hard murder-confessor he is. Instead, Beast dumps him with the Professor and returns to his Emma jigsaw, which is the most fun he's had since he drunkenly joined the Defenders. The Professor, mind far more titillated by mutant gossip and scandal, tells Beak to 'shut up for just one freakin' minute' about his confession and instead fill everybody in on the gruesome details of Angel's pregnancy and insectoid children. He does so, trembling with emotion, before being interrupted by Bishop. "Let's go check the little freaklings out!!" he says, having lost all interest in the stupid murder case.

So off they all trot, up to the secret cabin at the back of the mansion. In there is Angel and a swarm of creepy little bug children. "They're so gross!!" squeals Charles in horrified delight. Meanwhile, Uppity Jean has decided to ruin Beast's fun and put Emma back together. Despite Beast's petulant claims that he can do it, Uppity Jean Phoenixes up and psychically fuses Emma into one piece, bringing her back to life. Precisely as the principles of biology dictate.

Sample panel from New X-Men issue 141

Meanwhile, having gorged himself on the Angel-Beak freakshow, Bishop eventually gets back to work. He confronts Esme, one of the Quadcreeplets, who has abandoned the others. Bishop accuses her of psychically manipulating Angel to shoot Emma, but also urges her not to leave, comparing it to the breakup of The Supremes. "I don't know what you're talking about!" shrieks Esme, leaving Bishop with little choice but to perform an impromptu version of Baby Love. Startled and confused, Esme wipes Bishop's mind of all Motown groups (even The Contours!) and flees via a taxi.

MVP: Cyclops. Unlike everybody else who stayed behind to be interrogated by that durn fool Bishop, Scott just took the two issues off. That's how you deal with being a murder suspect. Heck, it's only on the last page, long after the mystery is solved, that Bishop even realises Scott's not about. Bishop. Fine leather jacket-wearer. Terrible detective.

(For a proper analysis of this issue, see Geoff Klock's review)

Issue One Hundred And Forty-Two - Brimstone and Whiskey

Speaking of Cyclops, you'll never guess where he's been spending the last three issues. Getting smashed at The Hellfire Club and dissing the strippers. Oh, you did guess that? Well, in retrospect, I'm not surprised. It is, after all, the patented Scott Summers Big Night Out. In between ridiculing the strippers for being 'weird and sexless and unarousing', Scott's also being heckled in turn by Sabretooth, who calls his drink 'gay'. Ouch!

Sample panel from New X-Men issue 142

Then Wolvie shows up and he and Scott start rapping about hot chicks and drinking 'Jake Danials' (Logan, as always, proving too cheap and trademark-wary to spring for the genuine article). It's still a step up from Scott's Cosmo, however, so he becomes even more off his face and, inevitably, whiney. He starts to complain about having to choose between Emma and Jean until finally Logan slaps him around the head a bit and points out that they're both freakin' hot and oy vey, what he wouldn't give for such a problem.

Privy to all this awkward, drunken male bonding is Fantomex. He and Logan have decided to go investigate Wolverine's mysterious Project X past and, for reasons that elude Fantomex (and most of the regular readers), Logan wants Scott to come with them. Scott's initially all 'nuh-uh, not my scene, man' about it, but then he passes out and is therefore declared officially 'in' by a vote of 1-0 (two abstaining).

MVP: Fantomex. Cyclops and Wolvie are getting drunk and Wolverine's picking urinal fights with Sabretooth (always a messy kinda process), but Fantomex will have none of it. He's planning ahead, on the phone ordering in Tylenols™ and Baby Wipes.

(For a proper analysis of this issue, see Geoff Klock's review)

Issue One Hundred And Forty-Three - The World

So Wolvie, Scott and Fantomex are off to see 'The World'. Alas, the apostrophes there indicate that they're not going on a backpacking holiday, where they'll pick up hot young college chicks and get stoned on a regular basis. No, this 'World' is (to quote Fantomex) "a square mile of experimental micro-reality with its own culture, its own religion, its own history... a giant petri dish where the lives of unsuspecting human beings are used up in days, even moments. A torture chamber." So, y'know, presumably far fewer sexed up college chicks.

Sample panel from New X-Men issue 143

Instead of those college chicks, the 'World' is designed to breed Super-Soldiers. They do this with a hyper-accelerated evolutionary process and innumerable tequila shots. As you may recall, if your mind's not been addled by all these hot young college chicks I keep going on about, Wolverine is known as Weapon X (that's 10 to you, me and other lovers of Roman numerals), Fantomex is Weapon XIII (aka 13). Somewhere in the 'World' is Weapon XV (or 15, Hindu Arabic numeral fans). And he's royally pissed. I think by this stage we all know why (can anybody say 'where are all the freakin' nubile college chicks'?)

Anyways, the storyline gets kinda muddled at this point. There are agents of AIM (Advanced Idiot Men) running around, getting their stomachs blown out, there are inhabitants of 'The World' running around, getting their stomachs blown out, there's Weapon XV, doing all this stomach-blowing. There's the X-Men (albeit insisting they're not X-Men, for reasons that remain unclear) and, of course, there are the scientists in charge of 'The World'. They're probably in denial also and/or having their stomachs blown out. I lost track around about here. Still, the issue ends with Fantomex heading off to take on Weapon XV, so we have something a little more clear-cut for next issue, surely.

MVP: Hell, I dunno. Let's go with those hot college chicks.

(For a proper analysis of this issue, see Geoff Klock's review)

Issue One Hundred And Forty-Four - The Flesh

Fantomex, Cyclops and Wolvie have now entered 'The World', a dome created by crazed scientists determined to breed the ultimate anti-mutant weapons. At the moment, however, time has stopped inside the dome, so our trio can wander around safely, stealing people's wallets, swapping gamblers' poker hands, undoing the flies on people's trousers and so forth. You'd think this kind of Click-esque behaviour would be enough juvenile entertainment for any given issue of an ongoing comic series, but no - Morrison gives us more.

Sample panel from New X-Men issue 144

For suddenly there's a grinding of gears as time starts up again. So it's time to end the madcap mischief and get into some serious kickass fighting. First up there's some kind of leftover robot from the original Robocop movie with which to deal. It moves in stilted stop-animation, so Fantomex is left with no choice but to just shoot the blazes out of it. Assuming, that is, that it's possible to actually shoot blazes - frankly, I don't see how it would work. But regardless, the Robocop ripoff is swiftly dispensed with.

And just in time too. Because Weapon XV has now shown up. He's immensely powerful, and somewhat the philosopher, asking Fantomex whether or not he (Fantomex) is 'real'. Rather than get drawn into such a troublesome debate, Fantomex just, uh, shoots the blazes out of him. It seems, however, that Weapon XV doesn't have any blazes in him, for he just stands there and takes it. Then Wolverine attacks him, and he just stands there and takes that too. So Scott weighs in with a crowbar. Like an idiot. Weapon XV realises nobody is taking this fight seriously so bursts out of the 'World' and then, indeed, the world, flying up to a satellite in geosynchronous orbit, leaving our three intrepid warriors to gawp like kids at Cape Canaveral.

MVP: All the other X-Men who aren't a part of this ridiculous storyline.

(For a proper analysis of this issue, see Geoff Klock's review)

Issue One Hundred And Forty-Five - The Devil

Weapon XV burst out of 'The World' at the end of last issue and has now flown up to a satellite headquarters, where he is greeted by some accountant types. They explain he's a bit early - the new Super-Sentinel team they've built (of which Weapon XV is an integral prat (no, not a typo)) isn't due to start the mutant-butcherin' until a fortnight's time. Still, they invite him to make himself comfortable and help himself to some hors d'oeuvres until then.

Sample panel from New X-Men issue 145

Alas, Fantomex, Wolvie and Cyke are in warmish pursuit of Weapon XV and they burst into the satellite, making a mess of everything with their shooting (Fantomex), stabbing (Wolvie) and sultry pouting (Scott). As promised, Fantomex hacks into the Super-Sentinel intranet and shows Logan all the details of the whole Weapon Plus program and how he (Logan) fits into it. Logan torturously double-clicks his way through the pages, despite them only needing single clicks. His web-incompetence drives Scott and Fantomex to such distraction that they head back outside for some more fisticuffs.

While they busy themselves with the brawling, Logan eventually gets to the end of all the database entries about him (including that video of Uppity Jean he uploaded to YouTube that time - these guys are thorough) and he's finally confronted by Weapon XV, who is still in Philosopher Mode. "What is the purpose of life?" he asks, before going on to question whether he should be a mass exterminator of life or, y'know, a painter. "Why not be both?" says Logan. "If it was good enough for Hitler..." And then, as sick to death of this storyline as the rest of us, he blows up the satellite.

MVP: Wolverine. Thank Xavier somebody put an end to this idiotic storyline.

(For a proper analysis of this issue, see Geoff Klock's review)

Next: Planet X

Begone,

Indy

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