INDY REVIEWS
Score: 7.1 / 10 
New X-Men Book 4: Riot At Xavier's
Table of Contents
- #134 - Kid Omega
- #135 - Teaching Children About Fractals
- #136 - When X Is Not X
- #137 - Riot At Xavier's
- #138 - The Prime of Miss Emma Frost
Issue One Hundred And Thirty-Four - Kid Omega
We open the new book with a group of punk human-types killing a gay mutant named (delightfully) Jumbo Carnation. Are they homophobes? Mutantphobes? Floraphobes? Nobody is sure. But Xavier's students are way furious about it, with one ('Slick') going so far as to sing about the murder! Settle down, mutants. This is no time to lose your head.
Cyclops and Beast head over to investigate the corpse of Mr Carnation. Beast uses his super olfactory senses to declare him 'like, totally dead and beginning to rot'. Cyke is slightly more tactful, only willing to commit to Carnation being 'in less than tip-top shape'. Hank also continues to claim he's gay. This irritates Scott no end, as he would much rather be talking about Emma's kinky outfits. But no, the conversation's all about the heterosexuality-denial. Scott sighs.
Back at the mansion, a geek mutant named Quentin has had enough of Slick's interminable 'musical' tribute to Jumbo Carnation and his out-of-tune banjo strummin'. He removes Slick's carefully honed illusory hunk appearance and steals his plectrum. Xavier calls Quentin into the office for a dressing down. Quentin's furious response? To get a haircut!! There's trouble a-brewin'...
MVP: Slick. Sure, he can't sing to save himself, and he's manufactured an absurd illusory persona for himself. But strip all that away, and he's a web-footed lemur in a furry pink pimp jacket. Mutantdom is in safe hands.
(For a proper analysis of this issue, see Geoff Klock's review)
Issue One Hundred And Thirty-Five - Teaching Children About Fractals
Okay, so Xorn's decided to take the 'special' class on a hike up a mountain where he will sing campfire songs to them and reminisce about his time locked in a Chinese prison and how difficult it was to urinate in there. How this relates to maximising one's mutant abilities is left as an exercise for the dedicated reader, but one thing's for sure, it's better than being left back at the mansion, where Xavier's in full swing, blowhard-wise.
The Professor's going on and on to geek mutant and radical hairstyle aficionado Quentin. The Professor disapproves of Quentin's clothes (a snappy red and blacked striped sweater vest, which Charles finds 'too bumblebeeish'), Quentin's use of drugs (the mutant enhancing drug 'Kick', which Charles finds 'too neuro-toxic') and, of course, Quentin's hairstyle (a startling pink mohawk, which Charles believes is just 'taking the piss'). If that's not enough, the Professor then starts going on about blackbirds, for reasons not even Emma can follow.
Quentin's response to Professor X's dressing-down? To gather together a group of other students, dress them in the same clothes, snort up some 'Kick' and go out and kill themselves some useless human types. Does the Professor approve of this? Of course not, but he does see it as an opportunity to call another meeting. So, silver lining.
MVP: Emma. Whereas the rest of the senior X-Men advise some form of punishment to Quentin and his fellow hooligans (Scott, hot-headed as always, proposes a retraction of 'voting rights', while Wolverine, apropos of nothing, starts talking about how he's an awesome 'stalker' of people), the delightful Ms Frost suggests instead snorting up some of the Kick themselves and firing up some spanking time. Oh, Emma. There's a reason you keep fanboys coming back to this comic book.
(For a proper analysis of this issue, see Geoff Klock's review)
Issue One Hundred And Thirty-Six - When X Is Not X
The U-Men are back. For those who have successfully forgotten, the U-Men are normal everyday people who want to be mutants. Presumably, they've seen the kind of hanky-panky that Emma is into. However, in their desire to mingle with Ms Frost and co, they have decided the best way to get mutant abilities is to kill mutants, chop them up and steal their body parts. Which, to be frank, is a less than ideal way to make a first impression. And, of course, the kind of thing Quentin and his other radical friends deem worthy of a little retaliatory butchering of their own.
While Quentin and the Quentinlings are frying U-Men in the ghettos (ouch! Fried in the ghettos! That's gotta hurt), Xorn and the 'Special' class are running for their pitiful mutant lives through the mansion forest. Eventually they run into a dead end, so Xorn leaves the class to head back to confront the U-Men on his own. He defeats them effortlessly, while the class kill time by making fart jokes and mocking one another's sexual inexperience, power plagiarism and tendency to date non-existent people.
The next day is, of course, Open Day at the school, which Charles has instigated as an opportunity for him to expand his audience of blatherees. Alas, Quentin and the Quentinlings have beaten him over the head with that damn titanium baseball bat (why, oh why do they keep this thing around? Who in blazes plays titanium baseball these days, anyway??). The issue ends with a whole heap of guests arriving at the mansion. They hear that Charles has been kidnapped and a cheer goes up. But then Quentin starts raving on with his own interminable speech-making (some nonsense about declaring today 'Year Zero for mutantkind'), and the visitors all sigh. Even with half-price tickets and a promise of a few innings of Titanium Softball, this Open Day just ain't worth it. Next year they're going to the Avengers Picnic instead.
MVP: Scott. He's continuing his psychic affair with Emma, sucking telepathic face, even as he flies in to rescue Xorn and co. How many other pilots can do that (y'know, outside of porno movies)?
(For a proper analysis of this issue, see Geoff Klock's review)
Issue One Hundred And Thirty-Seven - Riot At Xavier's
Quentin and the Quentinlings have taken over the school and are making all kinds of ludicrous demands (mutant rights, slavery for humans, a Dexy's Midnight Runners Reunion Concert). The X-Men won't put up with this nonsense from their students and immediately set about setting things straight (or, given Beast's hotly disputed claims to homosexuality, probably straight but with a pinch of purported bent-osity).
First to take on the Quentinlings is Wolverine. He pulls no punches, claiming that Quentin's speeches are 'even more pompous than Charlie's'. Ouch! It's a low blow, but then Logan's never been averse to fighting dirty. Still, Quentin pulls a Jedi mind trick on him, leaving him a gibbering fool. Next up is Scott who is also not mucking about. He grades Quentin viciously, giving him a 'Poor'!! Come on, X-Men, they're just fool kids. Take it easy.
Anyway, Quentin bravely shrugs off Cyclops' brutally poor grades and continues rampaging around the school, making hysterical claims about dreams and broken promises and the like. Finally, Emma's Quincreeplets drug up, don the Cerebra helmet and take Quentin down, Project Runway style. "One day you're in," they say. "The next you're out." They then go on to declare Quentin and his fashion choices 'Out'. This devastates Quentin, who leaves the runway crying, but it devastates Emma more, because it seems that the Heidi Klum impression has cost one of the Quincreeplets their lives. Auf Wiedersehen, little Quincreeplet.
MVP: Got to be Beast. When one of Quentin's underlings sets himself ablaze and starts chasing a bus full of humans, does Beast panic? Of course he doesn't. "The Open Day is now an unqualified disaster," he says. "Unless we salvage the situation and redeem the image of the staff by effortlessly tackling the problem as though it were a demonstration of mutant teaching skill." Oh, Dr McCoy. Your positive attitude is an inspiration to us all.
(For a proper analysis of this issue, see Geoff Klock's review)
Issue One Hundred And Thirty-Eight - The Prime of Miss Emma Frost
It's time to deal with the aftermath of last issue's riot and the death of-- hmmm? Oh. It seems as if there's a small matter of a mutant ablaze chasing a bus full of humans to deal with before we can deal with the riot aftermath. So let's get through that, shall we? The blazing mutant is running along in pursuit of the previously-discussed bus. In pursuit of the mutant is Beast (on foot), Scott and Xorn (more sensibly in a car). It's eerily reminiscent of the OJ pursuit, except for the vast number of differences. Eventually, the blazing mutant is halted with some well-timed optic blasts and some fast-drying cement (just like OJ).
Now. Onto the aftermath. Firstly, all the Quentinlings are being chastised by Wolverine, who is telling them they will all go to jail for their part in ending the life of that one Quincreeplet. He also goes on to tell them they're also responsible for another mutant, who is 'missing, presumed evaporated'. He does this with a perfectly straight face. Kudos, Logan. Quentin himself, meanwhile, has had a secondary mutation triggered by his incessant drug-taking and turns into bubbles of nothing - kind of an Aero Bar™ in mutant form. So that's the end of him.
Charles reacts typically to this. He makes an impassioned, lengthy (so very lengthy) speech to his students and then announces he will step down at the end of the semester. When nobody says 'No, Professor X! Please don't step down!', he strides off, furious. Also, Lady Angelbug is pregnant to chicken embryo-lookalike, Beak. So that's a little ugly blessing, to be sure. Oh, and the Quadcreeplets have decided they've had an absolute gutful of Emma's teaching, blaming her for the demise of their sister. They retaliate in a delightfully gossipy manner, telling Uppity Jean about the psychic affair between Scott and Emma. We therefore end the book with a closing image of Uppity Jean psychically catching the two mid-dalliance and getting very uppity indeed.
MVP: Emma. Sure, she's been rejected by her prize students. And, sure, Uppity Jean's caught her and Cyclops in their psychic shag-a-thon. But does that slow her down? Of course not. She just gloms onto Lady Angelbug, declaring her to be a) an ugly quacker and b) her new pet project.
(For a proper analysis of this issue, see Geoff Klock's review)
Next: Assault On Weapon Plus
Begone,
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