INDY REVIEWS
Score: 7.2 / 10 
New X-Men Book 1: E is for Extinction
Table of Contents
- #114 - E is for Extinction, Book One of Three
- #115 - E is for Extinction, Book Two of Three
- #116 - E is for Extinction, Book Three of Three
- Annual 2001 - The Man From Room X
- #117 - Danger Rooms
Issue One Hundred And Fourteen - E is for Extinction, Book One of Three
So Morrison's taken over the X-Men and, in accordance with the will of Chris Claremont, the title has been changed to 'New X-Men'. Presumably, this is to distinguish it from the other, more geriatric, X-Men titles your father may read. Thrillingly, however, issue numbers continue consecutively, meaning we are now at issue 114 of this 'new' title. And, like all issue 114s in comic book history, this one's a doozy.
We open with some creepy bald chick showing footage to a constantly - vomiting dentist of how Homo Sapiens wiped out the Neanderthals. Bald Chick then goes on to tell the dentist how the same thing is about to happen to Homo Sapiens if those awful, tricksy mutants aren't wiped out, post-haste. The dentist, while seeing Bald Chick's point, is unsure what, exactly, he's supposed to do about it. "Perhaps I can tell my mutant patients that the importance of flossing is overstated by the media," he suggests. "Um, if I ever get some."
Back at the mansion, the Professor's showing off his telepathic gadgetry, as you'd expect. He observes mutantkind all over the world, jabbering away like a self-important blowhard as usual, and in doing so misses a spark of high-powered mutant activity in South America. Luckily, Beast is on the ball, mutant-observation-wise, and he points out the South American mutant to the professor, who pretends to have seen it all along. Professor X commands Wolverine and Cyclops to check out the South American situation.
Wolvie and Cyke are on their way back from a fact-finding tour of Australia (Fact: Australia is both a continent and a country) and they've brought along with them a three-faced dude called, uh, Triplicate Lips. They're more than happy to pop into South America on the way home. Anything to avoid Jean - who is in one of her snits. Before they can get there, though, Prof X is psychically attacked. The Prof's reaction? He puts a gun to his head and threatens to blow his skull out if the interloper doesn't get out of his brain. Take that, psychic fiend! Gawd, I love that kind of stake-raising ploy. I salute this comic and encourage everybody else to do the same. Frankly, there's not enough saluting of comics in the world for my liking. Kids. Salute a comic book today!
Anyways, the mental interloper (the Bald Chick) gets out of the Prof's brain and back to paying attention in Ecuador where she belongs. There she tells the dentist that he's the nephew of the chairman of Sentinels Inc. and that his future therefore belongs in genocide. "Um, let's talk more about my anti-flossing idea," he suggests.
MVP: Wolvie. Cyclops is being a turd, as usual, telling Wolverine there's no smoking on his flights. Because, y'know, he's such a play-by-the-rules weenie and all-round seatbelt-wearin' suck. Wolvie's response? "I can't help smoking, Space Cadet Summers. The big bad Sentinel set me on fire, remember?" You know you're in trouble when you lose a verbal stoush with the guy with the claws.
(For a proper analysis of this issue, see Geoff Klock's review - part one and part two)
Issue One Hundred And Fifteen - E is for Extinction, Book Two of Three
So Cyclops and Wolvie's plane is being attacked by Sentinels. This is enough to cause the icy cool Cyke to go for a crash-landing. Triplicate Lips isn't too pleased by this, but Cyke explains how he crashes the plane every other flight. And unlike John Denver he's walked away from every single one. The plane crash-lands but this does insufficient damage, so Cyke and Wolvie initiate a self-destruct sequence, glibly explaining away how the insurance will cover it. Perhaps, Scott, but have you considered the freaking deductible??!?
The three of them move onto fighting the Sentinels that show up to kill them. (Sentinels, for newcomers, are robotic, uh, robots specifically designed to hunt down and destroy mutants. C3PO applied to be a Sentinel but was denied for being 'too fruity'.) While they're doing this, we cut back to the mansion where the Professor is being totally full of himself even while bedridden. Jean is nursing him to health and questioning why he ended last issue with a pistol at his temple. Professor X starts soliloquising about how his brain is a 'lethal weapon' and how he must always be prepared to make the 'ultimate sacrifice' or take the 'ultimate gamble'. Fortunately, before we have to listen to any more of his absurd bravado, Beast whisks Jean away on some flimsy premise (a worm tablet issue).
By now, of course, Cyke and Wolvie have succumbed to the Sentinels and have been placed in death manacles so the Creepy Bald Woman from last issue can taunt them. She's already put her fingers through the head of last issue's constantly-vomiting dentist and now follows that up by sauteeing Triplicate Lips. That's enough for Wolvie to spring into action. He breaks out of his trap and gets his claws to CBW's brain, ready to impale her noddle at a moment's notice. Meanwhile, Cyclops puts Triplicate Lips out of his misery, despite TL's claims that he's starting to feel 'a lot better'. Alas, it all seems in vain as CBW has sent Sentinel Missiles off to destroy the mutant island of Genosha. They do so, wiping out about 16.5 million mutants. Even more tragically, Prof X sees this as an opportunity to close the issue with yet another of his self-important speeches.
MVP: Beast. He's managed to set up a voice-activated computer system with which he dictates a missive to his ex. I've never been able to get such a system to work satisfactorily myself, but then I haven't had the motivation of giant cat paws for hands.
(For a proper analysis of this issue, see Geoff Klock's review)
Issue One Hundred And Sixteen - E is for Extinction, Book Three of Three
Beast and Jean are at the ruins of the mutant city of Genosha, looking for survivors of the nukular giant Sentinel attack from last issue. Jean claims she can feel somebody still alive buried under the radioactive rubble. Beast isn't really listening to what she's saying - he may be a giant blue cat thing, but he's also a man - so Jean is forced to telekinetically rescue the survivor herself. And, of course, bitch about it.
Who should the survivor be but Emma Frost, former X-Man, former foe of the X-Men and snooty bitch. For plot contrivance reasons, she's developed a 'secondary mutation' that has turned her skin to diamonds and protected her from the nukes. She is now, in her own words, the 'perfect faberge killing machine'. I guess somebody has to be.
Once Beast, Jean and Emma arrive back at the mansion, the Professor calls for an all- pontificatin' issue. "Let's talk about this attack and what it means for the future of mutant-human relations," he says. "I'll start," he predictably adds. Apparently, the Creepy Bald Chick is the first of a new race of mutant-killers. The Professor starts a debate about whether or not she should be executed. When he ignores the bell of the debate timekeeper (played by Mr Scott Summers), the Creepy Bald Chick has had enough and attacks, kicking the issue into gear. She sends Cyke into his 'mental bug room of despair', psychically attacks Jean and burns Wolvie's arm right, like, off. She then races to psychic-enhancing machine Cerebra which will enable her to kill all the mutants in the world with her enhanced telepathic powers. Luckily, Emma's there and snootily breaks her neck.
Creepy Bald Chick starts to recover from the broken neck (healing powers, natch), so the Professor shoots her until she properly dies. He then monologues endlessly about it. When the others drift off for a game of pinochle, the Professor books some time on Fox News to continue his speech. Viewers switch off en masse, so he tells the audience he's a mutant. Result: a short term ratings spike.
MVP: Beast (again). When Logan has his arm shredded, Beast reveals he has 'enough painkillers to send a Brontosaurus to Happyland'. Wolvie politely declines. He vowed to never again dip into Hank's stash after that embarrassing incident with Ororo at the New Year's Rave.
(For a proper analysis of this issue, see Geoff Klock's review)
Annual 2001 - The Man From Room X
Morrison again stuns readers worldwide with his off-the-wall zaniness! Namely, a comic book you have to read sideways. Oh, Grant - you are a madcap lunatic. Anyhoo, this story's all about... well, to be frank, I'm not 100% sure, as it seems to veer wildly all over the place. Let's hang on tight and see what we can glean, however.
Firstly, there's some Chinese mutant whose head is a sun. As you'd expect. His name is Xorn. And the Chinese government use him to blast the faces off their more indolent citizens. Also going on in downtown China (aka Hong Kong), is some kind of illegal mutant organs trade. Y'know, as opposed to the UN-sanctioned mutant organs trade. So Cyke, Wolvie, Emma and Beast head off on a Hong Kong jaunt to see what they can do about this.
They all pretty much stick to their specialties. Scott mopes about, Emma does her best to seduce him, Beast talks in polysyllables. And Wolverine? Well, he slaughters the shit out of a truckload of bad guys while making shaggin' 'no strings animal passion' plans with local X-correspondent, Beatrice who (naturally) has the power of luck. Or getting lucky. Or some damn thing. Regardless, that all works out fine, despite the presence of, uh, dandruff golems (don't ask).
Having sorted out the organ-tradin', the gang decide to finish off their holiday by rescuing the previously discussed Xorn. Because, hell, who doesn't want ol' Solar-Head on their team? Turns out Xorn's head is going totally black hole on everybody and he intends taking the planet with him. So, y'see, it's a good thing our heroes did decide to pop on over and invade a portion of Communist China. Take that, UN nay-sayers! Of course, Emma telepathically rewires Cantonese into Scott's noggin and he talks non-gravitational collapse sense into Xorn, who then agrees to join the team. So all's well that ends without the Earth being crushed by a Chinese mutant's black hole of a head.
MVP: Cyclops. Talkin' down a suicidal type is one thing. Talkin' down one with a collapsing solar head in a language you don't even speak is rather another. Of course, next to Emma's attempt ('stop snivelling, you pathetic self-important man'), anybody's going to look good.
(For a proper analysis of this issue, see Geoff Klock's review here and here)
Issue One Hundred And Seventeen - Danger Rooms
Having spoken endlessly to every freak on Earth about a variety of issues from mutant responsibilities to mutant hair loss, Professor X decides it's time to spread his message to the rest of the Galaxy. Even more startlingly, there's a Galactic Empire that wants to hear it. The Shi'ar have life spans that measure in millennia, so even one of the Professor's lengthier treatises just seems like idle small talk to them.
Of course, what the Shi'ar don't know is that Professor X's mind has been taken over by that Creepy Bald Chick from the earlier plot arc. In fact, nobody really knows this. Beast soon finds out though, because, y'know, Professor Xreepy Bald Chick suddenly starts psychically beating the snot out of him. Beast is already down in the dumplings because his date has cancelled on him with some flimsy excuse ('dude, you look like a big, blue cat thing!') and Professor Xreepy's attack is really adding injury to insult. Especially when Professor Xreepy mentally controls some bird-faced twit with a titanium, uh, baseball bat and makes him smash Beast's cranium in.
Elsewhere, we see the reflective side of Wolverine. No, seriously. He's meditating and shit. It's a particularly brutal kind of meditation that involves slashing one's adamantium claws through passing birds, but it's as close as Logan's ever gonna get. Let's give him a break, huh? Jean shows up. She's had a gutful of Scott's moodiness and refusal to be intimate with her. So, sensibly enough, she thrusts herself at Wolvie. Wolvie responds passionately - he's human(ish), after all - but then knocks the telekinetic redhead back. "It would never work between us," he says, then goes back to his transcendental savagery. Jean goes into a snit and heads back to the mansion to send Professor Xreepy into space. "Let's just say 'Au revoir'," she says. The Professor opens his mouth. "Just say 'Au revoir'!" insists Jean, putting a finger to his lips.
MVP: Beast. While Professor Xreepy's psychically smashing his synapses in, Hank decides for no clear reason to turn the periodic table into a 'dirty rhyme'. This doesn't actually accomplish anything - possibly because he only gets through Hydrogen - but it sure makes for a neat party trick. Y'know, assuming you regularly party with gutter-minded chemists.
(For a proper analysis of this issue, see Geoff Klock's review)
Next: Imperial
Begone,
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