INDY REVIEWS
Score: 7.7 / 10 
JLA Book 6: Justice For All
Table of Contents
- #24 - Executive Action
- #25 - Scorched Earth
- #26 - Our Army At War
- #27 - The Bigger They Come
- #28 - Crisis Times Five, Part One
- #29 - Crisis Times Five, Part Two, World Turned Upside Down
- #30 - Crisis Times Five, Part Three, Worlds Beyond
- #31 - Crisis Times Five, Part Four, Gods And Monsters
- #32 - Inside Job, #33 - Altered Egos
Issue Twenty-Four - Executive Action
Enough 853rd Century nonsense. It's time to deal with modern day JLA crises. Namely, somebody trying to steal the Shaggy Man. The Shaggy Man, for those of you who don't know, is an unstoppable, hairy, indestructible menace (think Robin Williams) who is imprisoned at the bottom of the ocean. This seems an overly harsh incarceration, especially when you consider The Shaggy Man had nothing to do with Patch Adams.
Regardless, alarms go off as somebody tries to remove him from his submerged prison. GL and Captain Fish-Head go to investigate. Anybody want to guess what happens next? If you guessed GL does something stupid and then Captain Fish-Head outdoes him, then you'd be correct. GL, with the keen mental focus we've come to expect, forgets he's at the bottom of the ocean and turns off his protective bubble. This causes Captain Fish-Head to forget basic scuba training and ascend from the depths too quickly while rescuing GL. So Captain Fish-Head gives himself the bends, which you just know is something his Atlantean subjects are never going to let him live down.
So we leave those two morons coughing and spluttering on a beach and instead turn our attention to a news conference being held by a General Eiling. General Eiling ("That's 'ceiling' without the 'c'," he informs the assembled press, showing off his exemplary media training) has formed a new superteam to protect the interests of America. For reasons never adequately explained, this also means he needs to destroy the JLA. Perhaps he understands that a comic book about a military super-team working seamlessly in co-operation with the JLA lacks a certain narrative tension. Regardless, he sets a trap for the league. And, because Bats is lazing around Gotham, flirting with The Huntress (Huntress: "I'm not a moron, Batman." Batman: "Good." Oh, Bats. Your banter with the ladies is a lesson to us all), the rest of the team fall straight into it.
MVP: Wonder Woman. Key quote: "I'm not sure whether we've become the greatest crimefighting team ever assembled... or just a disaster waiting to happen." WW? Take a close look at the green dude and the wet dude just behind you. That might clear things up somewhat.
Issue Twenty-Five - Scorched Earth
So the US Military, aided by four superpowered clowns, are attacking the JLA. Surprisingly, they seem to be winning, taking down our heroes with remarkable ease. Most of the pages of this battle are taken up with Flash and Captain Fish-Head fighting a giant, sentient blob of water. If ever there was going to be a moment for the good Captain to shine, you'd think this'd be it. And it is. For a (very) short moment. But then it all goes more predictably awry and he needs Flash to turn Waterblob Man to steam in order to escape.
The others fare poorly too - Green Lantern has been rendered useless once again by his famed inability to concentrate on the problem at hand. Wonder Woman is 'mildly concussed'. So this is nothing to fret overly about, you may think, until you hear Barda has collapsed under the 'weight of a continent'. It seems the army's got something against the New Gods chick.
Supes advises the JLA to retreat and huddle up. As always, he's spent half the battle eavesdropping on the opposition and has concluded the superpowered portion of the army will be dead within weeks from tumours and stuff. He therefore proposes the JLA just build a little fort and hide out in it until then. The others sigh and get digging, while secretly yearning for Batman to show up with one of his patented real plans.
Meanwhile (also 'elsewhere') Bats, Plastic Man and The Huntress are off to visit General "Ceiling Without The 'C'" Eiling, the brains behind this military attack on the JLA. Unfortunately, Eiling has blown those aforementioned brains out of his very skull, using only his service pistol and a determined suicidal pluck. Undeterred, Bats interrogates him anyway and is rewarded with Eiling explaining his scheme in true villainous style. A voice from beyond the grave, perhaps? Well, perhaps. But it also seems the good General transferred his mind into the body of The Shaggy Man (indestructible monster and renowned ne'er-do-well) before shooting himself. Which, as I've always maintained, is the proper order in which to do such things if one feels one must do them.
MVP: Bats. He discovers Eiling's occupying the body of The Shaggy Man just before the last page. Sensibly, however, by the last page, he's managed to put The Huntress between himself and the murderous indestructible monster. Chivalry? That's for other, deader, superheroes.
Issue Twenty-Six - Our Army At War
So General Eiling (Remember, That's Ceiling Without The 'C') has transported his body into The Shaggy Man and given himself a shave all over. So he's now known as The Unshaggy Man. He's also smashed the Huntress into a wall. With Huntress out of action and, hence, nobody left to sacrifice, Bats decides to go on the offensive and hurls Bat-Machetes at the Unshaggy Man, chopping his arm off. Of course, The Unshaggy Man can grow his arms back and proceeds to do so, gloating shamelessly as he does so.
Meanwhile, back with the rest of the JLA, Supes has decided he's bored fighting the army. He's Super- freaking- man, for Krypton's sake. So he just walks out and when the army shoots him, the bullets bounce off him, as always. Flash and GL commiserate with one another about how useless they are, relative to the big S. Heck, they even realise they're useless relative to Zauriel. Flash, in particular, is shattered by this. "Zauriel did better than us," he laments, taking a shot at the winged guy from nowhere.
Over at Unshaggy Man headquarters, the unstoppable monster is smashing the pucky out of Bats, Huntress and Plastic Man, who are adopting the rarely-used JLA tactic of scarpering for their wretched lives. Eventually, cornered, Bats tries to hypnotise The Unshaggy Man. He is on the brink of convincing the Unshaggy Man he is a Chippendale dancer, when that big blue idiot with the S on his chest bursts through the wall and starts with the fisticuffs. Irritated, Bats resorts to Plan B, which is teleporting The Unshaggy Man to an asteroid in the middle of space. This works so well, you begin to wonder why it wasn't Plan A. Regardless, the JLA's won again, meaning the International Ultramarine Corps has to set up shop in the radioactive ruins of Montevideo. The JLA keeps their moonbase, of course.
MVP: Huntress. The chick in purple somehow survives a head-crushing. Good for her.
Issue Twenty-Seven
Morrison takes another issue off. A certain Mark Millar takes over. Here's a quick overview of what happens, before we zoom into a JLA-JSA crossover.
The Bigger They Come. Amazo's back and he's displaying all the powers of the Justice League. So special guest star Ray 'Atom' Palmer advises Supes to disband the team (yet again!), thereby depowering the robotic villain completely. Dodgy, dodgy programming, Professor Ivo.
Issue Twenty-Eight - Crisis Times Five, Part One
Morrison dispenses with giving actual titles to his individual stories now and instead reverts to a rather mundane 'Part One' for this particular missive. It's the first chapter of his big JLA-JSA teamup and there's no time or lettering for titles. For, as we all know, superhero teams don't just get together for pizza and a game of D&D. Nope, we require a crisis of some kind.
This time around it's the peril of fifth-dimensional imps! In the vein of Mr Mxyzptlk, other vowel-hating types are invading our dimension, wreaking, uh, poor architectural structure wherever they go. One, Yz, has made a building go all wobbly, while another, Lkz, is busily pouring pestilence in the ear of Triumph. Never heard of Triumph? No, me neither. This seems to be precisely Triumph's issue, as he's of the opinion he deserves a place in the superhero pantheon along with the rest of the JLA. Triumph, a strong believer in the power of retcons.
None of this seems particularly troublesome to anybody other than Captain Marvel, who reacts with a typically terrified 'Holy Moley!'. Regardless, the Golden Age Flash is sufficiently disoriented to press his JSA signal device and push this crossover into a creaky kind of motion. Only the Golden Age Green Lantern (or, 'Sentinel', as he now inexplicably prefers to be known) and, uh, Wildcat can be bothered to respond to the summons. Of course, like many elderly people, they immediately go onto the ramble, with Wildcat claiming he taught Bats how to box and also that JLA-JSA team-ups were much more interesting in his day. Because, y'know, things 'happened'. Oh, Wildcat, you and your old-fashioned plotting notions. Hourman tries to make things a little more interesting with some of his patented prescient foreshadowing. He insists one of the heroes will die (but not this issue). Azrael tries to help the slow-moving plot out too. He points out how somebody's imprisoned the Spectre and how he and The Green Sentinel will have to go rescue him (but also not this issue). So what does happen this issue? Um, a bank grows a mouth and claims it is the world's 'new master'. It's not that scary, but it's enough to make our modern day GL panic and declare 'Defcon Four', which is not even a crisis measurement system the JLA uses.
MVP: Hourman. He may be a time-adjustin' robot from the future, but he'd doing his best to keep the action-bereft story moving. When it looks like everybody is about to get bogged down in small talk about the weather and proper longjohns care, the time-jumpin' android skips it all and moves everybody (including the reader, such is his power) forward in time seven minutes to more meaningful conversation. A skill I often wish I possessed.
Issue Twenty-Nine - Crisis Times Five, Part Two, World Turned Upside Down
If you're one of the five most powerful entities in the DC Universe, how would you spend your afternoons? Obviously, hanging out with the other four in a cosmic clubhouse, calling yourself something lame like 'The Quintessence' and playing with dolls (okay, okay, action figures). The five of them take up the first page comparing their toys, discussing the fact Morrison's returned with proper story titles and talking about the madcap antics of those fifth-dimensional imps.
Down on Earth, GL, the Flashes, Wildcat, Huntress and Plastic Man are trying to protect civilians from the random 5th-dimensional madness. This meets with predictable results (ie Huntress claiming she's about to hurl). Meanwhile, Captain Marvel has leapt up to the moon to chinwag with Superman. And by 'chinwag', I mean, of course, that he punches Supes in the chin. He does this for two reasons. Firstly, every time Cap and Supes meet they are contractually obligated to punch one another. Secondly, Cap has decided to sacrifice himself by going to the fifth dimension to fight the imps on their home turf. Y'know, rather than Supes, who Cap claims is too important to the Earth to be allowed to go. For once, he has a point, so Supes plays possum and lets him go.
Elsewhere, Triumph is still trying to get this retcon of him being part of the superhero pantheon up and running. To help him in this, he's mentally controlled, uh, Gypsy and Ray and forced them to go to a bar with him. Gee, Triumph. When you have to hypnotise people to force them to have a beer with you, that might be a clue as to why you're considered less than iconic. Later, tonked off their faces, the three of them make their drunken way to the moon as well, where they get all 'whatchu lookin' at??' at Hourman. The issue finally concludes with another imp being released and the pair of them preparing to duel with Earth as their battleground.
MVP: Hippolyta, aka The Golden Age Wonder Woman. Any heroine who has 'Suffering Sappho' as a catchphrase is okay in my book.
Issue Thirty - Crisis Times Five, Part Three, Worlds Beyond
As you recall, a couple of fifth dimensional imps (aka 'genies') have been let loose on Earth and are fighting like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, thus threatening the very fabric of reality (a la The Simple Life). Now, Gentle Reader, who, despite all previous evidence, do you think is to blame for this turn of events? Yes, that's right. Captain Fish-Head. Unsurprising in retrospect, and yet, it took Bats to piece it all together. For, y'see, Captain Fish-Head had a bothersome imp of his own - Qwsp - that everybody else had tried to forget. Not Bats, though, who is a renowned comic book continuity cop. Furthermore, it seems Qwsp is, like, the baddest imp in that whole damn dimension.
Face to face with Bad Bad, Leroy Qwsp are Captain Marvel and Green Lantern, who are floating around, two dimensions short, in the fifth dimension. Qwsp grabs them, folds them up (for they are as pieces of paper in this nutty world) and does the villainous reveal. Qwsp's scheme? To, uh, make mischief. Not the greatest scheme of all time, but he clearly knows what works for him.
Elsewhere, Zauriel and The Green Sentinel have found the giant, snoozing body of the Spectre. He is imprisoned in such a way that an entire ecology of sentient beings now lives, like, on his body. This leaves Zauriel and The Green Sentinel in somewhat of a bind. To rescue the Spectre (who, despite his current predicament, is renowned throughout the superhero community as being 'hella tough'), they need to wipe out the little people who now live on his torso. Zauriel describes it as 'the most ingenious, most evil prison I've ever seen'. But then, he never saw the horrors Colonel Hogan and his men endured at Stalag 13. The Green Sentinel simply suggests they speed up time for the Spectre-lings. The Spectre-lings zoom through their generations, eventually extract energy from the Spectre to build little Spectre-nukes and proceed to blow one another up. The Green Sentinel and Zauriel amuse themselves by performing little miracles for the Spectre-lings - helping them win sporting events, appearing in corn chips and so forth.
And, of course, up at the JLA moonbase, Triumph is still wasted out of his melon. He eventually decides it's time to go 'save the day' and claim a place in the superhero pantheon. Obviously, he hasn't seen Bats and Captain Fish-Head lurking just around the corner waiting to punch his head in. But, thanks to our wily artiste, Mr Howard Porter, we have. So, y'see? There is something in all this extra dimension talk.
MVP: Captain Marvel. Qwsp is fooling around, torturing GL. Harmless enough. Captain Marvel's response? 'You Five-Dimensional Coward!' Catchphrase in the making. Certainly competes strongly with Green Sentinel's earlier effort: 'The green flame will do what has to be done'.
Issue Thirty-One - Crisis Times Five, Part Four, Gods And Monsters
It's time to bring this little crossover to an end. The Quintessence are packing up their action figure toys and preparing to go home. Before they can do that, however, Bats and Captain Fish-Head have to defeat a drunken Triumph and his brainwashed stooges (Gypsy and Ray) up at the JLA moonbase. Against all odds, Gypsy Ray Triumph look like boot-scooting their way to victory. Gypsy, in particular, is pissed about Captain Fish-Head's facial hair and attacks with all nine blades of the latest Gillette razor.
Over in the Fifth Dimension, Captain Marvel and GL are operating as makeshift prosecuting attorneys against Qwsp. So you've gotta know that's not going well. The Cap is getting bogged down in legal mumbo jumbo, while GL just rags mercilessly on him, claiming he's 'never kissed a girl' and such forth. Which hardly seems relevant. Raymond Burr never kissed a girl either and he was Perry Freakin' Mason!
Regardless, with the aid of some magical backward name-saying and the senseless sacrifice of one of Wildcat's lives, Qwsp and the other imps are eventually zapped back to the Fifth Dimension. Meanwhile, up in the moonbase, Supes wakes up and starts beating the achy breaky snot out of Gypsy Ray Triumph. It's a little bit harder than you'd expect for the Kryptonian, so Steel lends a hand. That, of course, doesn't help one iota, so The Spectre emerges and turns Triumph into an ice sculpture for the JLA to keep in their refrigerated trophy room. And that's that.
MVP: Plastic Man. Sure, he does nothing, having turned into a puddle a couple of issues ago. But he does correctly call the four part series 'the JLA's most pointless adventure'. So, points for your lit-crit cred, Plas.
Issues Thirty-Two and Thirty-Three
Morrison again wanders off, dazed and confused after the JLA-JSA crossover. He'll return in time for his big finale. In the meantime, a couple more issues from a Mr Mark Waid:
Thirty-Two - Inside Job. Huntress is having a great big whinge because nobody on the JLA is inside Gotham, which is No Mans Land after plagues and earthquakes and an episode of Punk'd. Supes' response? Shut your noise, woman! You're in the JLA and you're in Gotham. What more do you want?
Thirty-Three - Altered Egos. Bats sends the JLA off to fight Bruce Wayne. So you know that's just more of his crazy bat-fibbin'. Turns out it's not Bruce at all (duh!), but one of those zany White Martians we met back in the first storyline. So the JLA beat the snot out of it.
Next: World War Three
Begone,
-- Back to all comics
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