Dan Liebke’s Astonishing Tales

Table of Contents

• #1 - Them
• #2 - The Day The Earth Stood Still
• #3 - War of the Worlds
• #4 - Invaders from Mars

Issue One - Them

We open with the previous incarnation of the Justice League preparing to be replaced by the big seven (Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, The Flash, Green Lantern, Martian Manhunter and Captain Fish-Head). Before the big guns can move in, however, a new group of superheroes show up in eggs (a la Mork). With all the good names taken, these new guys call themselves the Hyperclan. Everybody snickers at the name for a bit, but there’s less snickering when the Hyperclan start performing wondrous feats such as irrigating the Sahara and installing Microsoft Windows XP Service Pack Two. Superman is not impressed with any of this (he’s a Mac man). But he’s in the minority. The general public loves the work of the Hyperclan and are all pro-Hyperclan this and anti-JLA that and oh-my-God-Morrison’s-writing-the-Justice-League the other.

Even when the Hyperclan blow up the JLA satellite and kill Metamorpho people tend not to see the problem. These things happen, some say. Never really understood his powers anyway, say others. Meta-who-o? say the rest. The issue ends with Batman claiming that the only reason everybody likes the Hyperclan is not because they’re performing kick-ass superfeats and look like dreamy hunks. It’s all because of mind control satellites. On the other hand, Batman has also wandered into the meeting wearing a device that hides his heartbeat. So nobody’s really quite sure where, exactly, his particular head is at. He then declares war on the Hyperclan which doesn’t help clarify matters one jot.

MVP: Batman. I love it when the others are all in the meeting room discussing matters, wondering when Batman’s going to show up and it turns out that he’s been there all along, hiding in the ceiling. How long do you reckon he was waiting there, just for that one second of being cool? I hope he brought along a book to read or something.

Issue Two - The Day The Earth Stood Still

The story continues with the Hyperclan setting up a number of ‘watchtowers’ in order to keep an eye on the population and make sure the world is safe. The general public is ecstatic about this - because, y’know, people love being constantly monitored by more powerful forces than themselves. The JLA are less enthusiastic. Superman and Green Lantern have humoured Batman by going on a search for the alleged mind control satellites. They didn’t find anybody but nobody’s game enough to come right out and say ‘Bats, this mind-control talk of yours is sooo wack’.

Instead, the gang decide to split up into three separate groups to investigate the watchtowers. With his usual Martian mathematical rigour, Martion Manhunter splits the six present members into a group of one, a group of two and a group of three. None of that wretched Earth-style division for Mr J’onn J’onnz, thank you very much. Superman is also opposed to Earth arithmetic, for he salutes the divisions with a hearty ‘Good choices, J’onn’. You big suck, Supes.

First ‘group’ is Wonder Woman. She heads off to investigate a tower. Who should show up but Captain Fish-head. He’s insanely snooty about things, claiming he’ll look after the seas if Wonder Woman will look after, I dunno, her visible panty line. Or some damn thing. Regardless, the Hyperclan beat the snot out of the pair of them.

Green Lantern, Flash and Martian Manhunter form the second group. Once again, the Hyperclan pick a fight with the JLA dudes. And once again, they beat them to paste. Of course, GL and Flash aren’t helped by the fact that Martian Manhunter has just abandoned the two of them to consider a recruitment plea by the head of the Hyperclan, Captain, um, Handsome-Hair. Arithmetic and loyalty, the twin false concepts in MM’s belief system.

The final group is Superman and Bats. They’re off to Antarctica. And whaddayaknow, they’re attacked also. The Hyperclan has access to kryptonite, which certainly slows down the Kryptonian chap. And Batman’s in a Batplane that’s had its wings blown off. So he’s in some strife also. The issue ends with the JLA defeated. And that’s where the series ends also. The finest 2-issue run of the Justice League ever.

MVP: Martian Manhunter. He may have chosen the most unusual three-way split of six people in history, but he also had the good sense to cut and run when he saw which way the issue’s battles were unfolding. After all, if Captain Fish-head with his, uh, ability to speak to fish, can’t beat overly superpowered aliens, um, who can? Right, kids?

Issue Three - War of the Worlds

Issue Three arrives and it turns out the series didn’t end after the second issue after all. Although, it must be said that Superman does not look at all well, what with the Kryptonite-poisoning and all. Still, Batman’s not dead, which must please Warner Bros. no end.

It also turns out that The Flash and Green Lantern haven’t quite been captured yet. They’re still monkeying around with assorted Hyperclan members. Eventually, of course, they are defeated, because neither of them can keep their mind on the job. They’re too busy being distracted by an invisible alien invasion force (GL) and a man dropping a pot in a market (Flasheroo). So they’re knocked out and attached with the others to ‘The Flower of Wrath’, another one of the Hyperclan’s more dubiously named creations.

Apparently, the Flower of Wrath is a big metallic instrument of metahuman torture in the form of a, um, daisy. So that’s a deadly and pretty menace. However, Batman still hasn’t been captured. What’s more, he knows that the Hyperclan are secretly Martians and, hence, knows their secret weakness - germs! And fire! He takes out the Hyperclan, one by one, much to the annoyance of Captain Handsome-Hair, the head of the Hyperclan Martians.

Superman makes a speech about how Batman is the most dangerous man on Earth and how he’s coming to beat them all to pucky. So sucked in to the Hyperclan seems to be Supes’ gist. Captain Handsome-Hair’s response - to shout ‘We win, we win!!’ over and over and activate the Flower of Wrath and the invasion force. So perhaps a poorly thought out taunt by Kal-El.

MVP: Supes. Sure, Batman’s the one out there kicking Martian butt with the aid of ju-jitsu and a cigarette lighter. But Supes is the one commentating on how scary it is and getting Handsome-Hair all ticked off and crazy as a bugnut. Besides, how much of a threat is the Hyperclan’s Petunia of Peril, anyway? I say, taunt away, Big S.

Issue Four - Invaders From Mars

So Supes is sitting in a chair, dying of kryptonite poisoning like a big super-doofus when suddenly it occurs to him that he can hear people screaming in terror all around the world as the Martians invade. People screaming all over the world? he thinks. Isn’t that, like, a manifestation of super-hearing? Could it be that this kryptonite is just a figment of my imagination? And, indeed it is. Congratulations, S Man. You’re a veritable Sherlock Holmes. Or Katie Holmes, at the very least.

So now Supes is free. Also turns out that Martian Manhunter was just pretending to be a friend of the other Martians. In fact, he has (for the 44th time in a row now) not betrayed the JLA. Also, the rest of the gang have broken out of that Daisy of Doom they were ‘trapped’ in last issue. No idea how. Maybe they used some form of weed-killer.

There’s another big fight. This time, the Justice League win, despite (or because of?? You decide) Wonder Woman almost falling out of her top in every other panel. Alas, the Martian fleet continues to invade, so Supes gives the people of Earth a bit of a pep talk. “We’re Earthlings, dudes,” he says. “There may come a day when we are defeated by Martians. But it is not this day. Fight back, my non-powered pets!!” Which leads to an inevitable mass slaughter, given how hopelessly outclassed the humans are.

Oh, wait. No it doesn’t. Because Bats remembers to tell them all to turn their cigarette lighters on first. The Martians run away. The smokers of the world turn to the non-smokers with a smug look on their face. Sure, a few of them are hacking up a lung in the background, but still… If it weren’t for their easy access to flame, humanity would be doomed. The JLA celebrate by building a headquarters on the moon. Simply because they can.

MVP: Aquaman. No, seriously. Captain Fish-head proved not totally useless this issue, somehow tapping into the fish-based portion of a Martian’s brain and giving him an ice-cream headache. Sure, Morrison’s stretching the ol’ fish telepathy powers a bit there, but can you blame him? It’s Aqua-bloody-man.

Next: American Dreams

---

Related Pages

If you hated this, you'll probably also hate:

1. JLA Book 7: World War Three - Table of Contents #34 - The Ant And The Avalanche #35 - The Guilty #36...
2. JLA Book 2: American Dreams - Table of Contents #5 - Woman of Tomorrow #6 - Fire in the Sky #7...
3. JLA Book 8: Ultra-Marine Corps - Table of Contents #1 - Island of the Mighty #2 - Master of Light #3...
4. JLA Book 5: DC One Million - Table of Contents DC One Million #1 - Riders on the Storm DC One Million...
5. JLA Book 3: Rock of Ages - Table of Contents #10 - Genesis and Revelations #11 - Hostile Takeover #12 - Wonderworld...

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.