INDY REVIEWS
Score: 7 / 10 
Crisis on Infinite Earths: Issues One Through Four
Table of Contents
- #1 - The Summoning
- #2 - Time And Time Again
- #3 - Oblivion Upon Us
- #4 - And Thus Shall The World Die
- Issues Five To Eight
- Issues Nine To Twelve
Issue One - The Summoning
Okay, people. Let's crisis it up! Allow me to set the scene: In 1985, DC Comics looked at the list of titles they were shipping and the fictional universes they inhabited and said 'What the--? This makes no sense whatsoever.' So they called on Marv Wolfman, their number one lycanthropic writer to sort the mess out and simplify the universe. Did he succeed? You be the judge.
We open with a purple-haired dude named, embarrassingly enough, Pariah (parents, please think your naming choices through!). He watches a random universe succumb to an unstoppable wall of white antimatter, then disappears. He reappears on Earth-3. Earth-3, for those of you who have just joined us, is the Earth where heroes are villains and, tragically, vice versa. Some call it the most messed up Earth in all the multiverse (at least, that's what the tourist brochures call it). Me? I call it a refreshing breath of fresh air. Anyways, Pariah shows up in time to see Ultra-Man (evil Superman), Owl-Man (evil Batman) and the others all succumb to the white wall of antimatter. He then watches Lex Luthor (who is, like, the goodiest good guy of all the good guys) rocket his (Luthor's) infant son from this doomed planet over to the JLA satellite on Earth-1 (where the heroes we know and/or love usually hang out, playing pinochle and making fun of Captain Fishhead). Pariah watches all this and sheds a tear at Luthor's blatant ripoff of the Superman origin tale.
Cue The Monitor, an old all-powerful cosmic dude with the funkiest barber in all of comics. He sends his hot young blonde sidekick off to summon a totally random set of heroes from various universes and times. The to-be-summoned heroes range from Solivar, a talking ape, to Arion, the Lord of Atlantis and everybody in between (assuming, of course, there's a sense in which characters as diverse as the Golden Age Superman, The Blue Beetle and the ever-lovin' Psycho Pirate can be considered interpolations of the Solivar-Arion extremities). To save time, blondie (aka Harbinger) splits herself into multiple bodies (a la Michael Keaton in Multiplicity). Stupidly (and just like in Multiplicity), she permits one of these bodies to be attacked by a shadow demon (thanks, JRR Tolkien), who possesses her. I'm sure there will be no ramifications from that particular error in judgement.
The summoned heroes and villains all return to the Monitor's satellite, where, after some bickering about who is, like, totally bulging with the most awesome superpowers, and who is, like, just the Blue Beetle, the diverse group are attacked by some more of those blasted shadow demons. This appears to be as good an excuse as any for some mindless fisticuffs. Unfortunately, the Monitor breaks it up with a blast of blinding light. He then introduces himself and in the same breath explains to everybody there that he's summoned them because their 'universes are about to die'. Ouch, Mon. Next time open with a joke.
MVP: Firestorm. He helps Harbinger free his mortal enemy, Killer Frost. Psycho Pirate then alters her emotional state to make her fall in love with Firestorm and kiss him. Firestorm's reaction: "I think I liked it better when she tried to kill me." Kudos, Firey, on your unabashed flamboyant homosexuality.
Issue Two - Time And Time Again
The second issue opens as 80's comics typically did, with a herd of mammoths time-travelling to the 30th Century, fighting the Legion of Superheroes, before returning to their own time. Just as ominously, Batman, in between punching the Joker in the chops, sees a vision of an emaciated Flash, who has gone all 'The world is dying on us'. This is a pre-Frank Miller version of the Batman, so he responds with a "Dear God, what is happening?" rather than by, say, punching some well-needed sense into the panicky Flash vision. Whatever.
Up on the Monitor's satellite, the heroes and villains he's summoned are squabbling about whether they should help save the universe or, I dunno, go rob a bank or something. Eventually, the Golden Age Superman takes charge. "Shut up and listen, dickwads!" he says (I may well be paraphrasing there). The Monitor sends them all off to look after some giant dimensional-tuning antennae he cobbled together in his backyard. The antennae are (as you'd expect) scattered across various times and Earths, just to be difficults. They're also infested with more of those pesky shadow demons. So that's also a bother.
Meanwhile, Purple-haired Pariah shows up to chat with the Earth-One Superman and Batman. He's still not much of a conversationalist, complaining about the, y'know, impending death of the universe. Before Supes and Bats can turn the conversation to cheerier matters, ol' Purple Hair fades off to one of the antennae where he passes on some more of his 'glass half-full' outlook. The Psycho Pirate, bored with Purple Hair's negativity, decides to have a bit of fun, emotionally manipulatin' everybody for a bit, but is then kidnapped by a mysterious other force. None of this deters Purple Hair who continues to go on and on and on about the death of the universe until the end of the issue.
MVP: Baby Alexander Luthor. In a matter of hours, he's aged about ten years for reasons nobody will ever bother to explain. Good for him. If the universe survives, such ageing prowess will no doubt earn him plenty of work on any number of daytime soap operas.
Issue Three - Oblivion Upon Us
We move into the third issue with The Monitor pontificating over young Alexander Luthor who, in addition to ageing from 'infancy to adolescence' in the space of days (like some kind of fruit fly), is also half-matter, half-anti-matter (unlike all but the rarest fruit flies). The Monitor doesn't know what to make of this, so Harbinger heads off to chat with an evil shadowy figure. She is in thrall of him and compelled to do his bidding (ie, some nonsense about slaying The Monitor), thanks to her earlier contact with shadow demons. See, kids? Always wash your hands after handling shadow demons, lest you be called upon to slaughter omnipotent saviours of the multiverse. That's common cleanliness sense.
Over in New York, the Teen Titans and The Outsiders are checking out a white wall of antimatter coming to destroy everything. Supes and Bats show up in time to a) rescue Wonder Girl from certain death and b) be tackled by some idiot named Jericho while trying to rescue the Flash, respectively. Meanwhile, in World War Two, Geo-Force, Dr Polaris, Blue Beetle and some random DC WW2 heroes are kicking some Nazi butt instead of keeping the interdimensional antenna safe from the shadow demons. On a more positive note, The Monitor, watching all this, eventually notices how useless Blue Beetle is, and sends him back to his own time and dimension. Sure, it took him three issues more than it might have taken the rest of us. But he got there eventually. That's the important thing.
We mosey over to The Wild West now, where Firebrand, GL, Cyborg and, uh, Baron Brain-In-A-Bowl team up with some DC Western heroes to protect yet another interdimensional antenna. Naturally, those ruddy shadow demons are there, killing up the place. And they're followed by the white wall of antimatter. So, things look less than ideal. And they look even worse when Harbinger returns, calls The Monitor an 'old fool' (harsh, but understandable, given his tardiness in recognising Blue Beetle's shortcomings) and then proclaims that it's time for him to die.
MVP: Marv Wolfman. During the World War Two interdimensional antenna imbroglio, the shadow demons kill a company of soldiers, known affectionately (where 'affectionately' = 'with more than a touch of contempt') as 'The Losers'. Marv decrees, via a handy caption, that, although they were called 'The Losers', they were, in fact, 'winners to the end'. Which, by any standards, is a startling redefinition of the w-word.
Issue Four - And Thus Shall The World Die
Hey, it's been a while since we've seen Ol' Purple Hair moping about the impending doom of the multiverse, isn't it? Well, wait no longer, because he's suddenly popped up on Earth-6, which is being eaten by the white wall of anti-matter. He mopes about its destruction, until the King of Earth-6, the startlingly-caped Lord Volt, says 'dude, we're busy being disintegrated here. Can you just quit with the endless sobbing and whining about it - you're really bringing the vibe down.' And he points to the Earth-6 version of fan-favourite, Vibe, who is indeed bummed. "What chu looking at, cryin' man?" he says. Purple Hair takes the hint. He also takes Lord Volt's wife, Lady Quark, who he grabs milliseconds before the universe is destroyed by the white wall. Suck on that, Volt.
The Monitor, meanwhile, is of the suspect opinion that what the medium of comic books needs most is an All-New Dr Light! So he creates one, shooting some light into a Japanese researcher, transforming her into a B-Grade superbeing. Awesome. His evil counterpart, however, matches The Monitor's lame-ass recruitment policy by summoning everybody's favourite Wind-Wielding, Whiny Wobot - The Red Tornado. "You may chill with the Psycho Pirate," he decrees. "Discuss which of you has the sillier sobriquet."
Around about now, the shadow demons that have been gathering around the interdimensional antennae, suddenly merge into one giant shadow demon per antenna. The heroes look on, unclear as to whether or not they're supposed to somehow merge as well. While Geo-Force starts disrobing, Blue Beetle suggests giving the Monitor a call to clarify what, exactly, is expected of them, merging-wise. But The Monitor just leaves him on hold! He's busy dealing with Purple Hair Pariah, who has popped into the Monitor's satellite. Purple Hair starts sobbing in his usual manner, which makes the Monitor all kinds of uncomfortable. Fortunately, Harbinger shows up, possessed, and kills the shit out of the Monitor. "Oh, thank God," says the Monitor, with his dying breath. Purple Hair's response? He, uh, starts to cry some more. Earth-1 and Earth-2 are then destroyed by the white wall of anti-matter. Their dying words? "Oh, thank God."
MVP: Supergirl. She opens the issue, chatting to Batgirl. "Hey, chin up, Babs," she says. "Sure, the world's being destroyed by anti-matter, but at least we're dying with a ridiculous array of superpowers." She pauses. "Not so much you, of course. I was thinking more of me, really. But at least you've got an oh-so-fashionable head sweat band, despite the fact your Kryptonian physiology means you don't sweat under the yellow sun of Earth." Another pause. "Again, that's more me, I suppose. Maybe I'll just go rescue a plane then." And off she flies, leaving Batgirl to wonder why, exactly, they're friends,
Begone,
-- Back to all comics
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