NEWS
Score: 7.3 / 10 
Queen Mother Finally Dies, Elton Makes His Move
Filed: Sunday, March 31, 2002
The death of the Queen Mother has excited hirsute knight Sir Elton John who has vowed to celebrate her death with a tribute re-release of his early smash hit single - Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting
"At last!" said Mr John (whose real name is Sir Elron John). "My record sales have been absolutely shithouse since everybody got over the whole Diana thing. This may just be the boost my career needs."
"I really wish he would stop doing this," said an anonymous Prince. "Mummy knighted him based on the proviso that he ceased this eternal death-riding of us all. But the cad simply refuses. At least once a week I'll get a phone call from him, claiming to be a pollster for a local undertaking firm, asking if anybody has 'croaked' recently. It gets on one's nerves after a while."
Mr John is unrepentant however. "Without investigative journalists such as myself, the Royal Family would never admit to any death. They consider dying improper and frightfully common." He further defends his choice of re-release. "Not many people knew that The Queen Mother's favourite movie was Fight Club. She would often ring me up to tell me how much she wanted to knock Brad Pitt's teeth out."
"That is simply untrue," retorted the anonymous Prince. "Everybody knows that Grandmama's favourite film was Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls. Her desire to 'mix it up' with Mr Pitt stemmed from a completely unrelated gambling debt."
In related news, hat futures have plummeted.
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