NEWS
Score: 7 / 10 
Spine Experts Gather To Study Kylie Minogue
Filed: Tuesday, September 14, 2004
Chiropractors, physiotherapists, Jude Law and back specialists from around the world have gathered in Vienna, Austria in a desperate bid to salvage the spine of pop sensation Kylie Minogue.
Minogue, 36, suffers from ultrascoliosis, an extreme curvature of the spine that makes it impossible for the pop songstress to maintain a normal posture, even when threatened by large men named Rocco. The First Annual Kylie Minogue Conference attended by over 8000 experts in the back was the brainchild of Dr Mark Hamill, Chiropractor To The Stars and a doctor in no sense.
"The tragedy for Kylie," said Dr Hamill. "Is that it would have been such a simple condition to treat if only we had discovered it earlier, perhaps in her teen years or, ideally, just out of the womb. An ongoing course of regular weekly adjustments for the rest of her days would have prevented the misshapen vertebrae damage we now all see."
Professor Huey Lewis of The Garvan Institute for the Criminally Insane and Troubled by Back Pain disagrees. "Miss Minogue's condition is dietary - a lack of calcium has resulted in weak bones and malformed growth in the back region. Calcium tablets, spinal surgery and regular exercise will get her back on track." He grinned at his pun, but the other doctors were too busy arguing with his diagnosis to appreciate its cleverness.
And so it went. Each new physician had varying hypotheses as to the cause of Miss Minogue's condition and the optimal treatment of it. Some blamed lack of exercise and proposed "hanging from a trapeze each night", others blamed her ailment on her rigorous schedule on the Australian television soap opera Neighbours and suggested a complete spinal transplant was the only cure.
But it was Dr Richard Burton who stunned everybody when his keynote address claimed that Miss Minogue's ailment could be directly traced back to her dalliance with the late INXS singer Michael Hutchence and offered "compelling evidence" that her back condition would only be eased when "the Hutchence bloodline was finally severed and the curse put to rest".
Shining through the squabbling however was one shining beacon of consensus. Spending a week studying picture after picture of a scantily clad Kylie Minogue was by far the best excuse for a conference they had ever come up with. Dr Hamill even suggested that they might be able to get Kylie herself to come perform for them next year, assuming, of course, that something could be done about "the restraining order problem".
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