NEWS
Score: 7.2 / 10 
Sane Mariah Releases New Album
Filed: Monday, September 24, 2001
Mariah Carey has been released from hospital, where she has spent the last few weeks recovering from a much-publicised mental breakdown, brandishing a new album Glitter that she describes as her 'sanest ever'.
"At no point on this very sane album do I gibber incoherently or break down in incomprehensible and uncontrollable sobbing," revealed Mariah. "It's a very sane collection of songs about such very sane topics as falling in love, being in love and burning yourself with cigarette butts (because you're so very much in love)."
Her doctor and choreographer, Dr Bruce Willis (no relation), agrees. "This album contains very sane pop music. It's just the kind of thing a not at all crazy person would buy and enjoy in the confines of a non-asylum environment." He went on to point out that the original overdubs where Mariah barked like a dog have been almost completely removed from the final mix, improving the album's saneness by 'nearly 20%'.
Even the video clips are saner. The original concept of Mariah huddled in a foetal position in the corner of a poorly lit room for each clip has been abandoned in favour of 'more upbeat' imagery. Test audiences have responded to the new videos with a resounding 'thumbs up' to their increased sanity. Dr Willis elaborates: "It just goes to show that people like their pop princesses to be perky and upbeat rather than gloomy fatalists lamenting the inevitable destruction of all that we hold dear. And thanks to the triumphs of modern psychiatric medicine we can provide precisely that."
In related news, 'Crazy Mariah's Everything Must Go Carpet Sale' has been postponed indefinitely.
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