NEWS
Score: 7.8 / 10 
God Joins War
Filed: Sunday, March 30, 2003
Coalition forces fighting in Iraq have been boosted by timely assistance from God Almighty, according to US officials. The intervention of the Creator has been welcomed by Marines on the ground, who have described His onslaught as 'divine', 'first-rate' and 'really, really mega-choice'.
"We'd been isolated by enemy fire while trying to hold a small theme park in Najaf in central Iraq," reports Captain Jeremy Irons. "The Iraqis, disguised as mice and ducks, had us pinned behind the waterslide and were moving in slowly to finish us off. Suddenly, God swoops down and disarms the Iraqis in a flawless display of hand-to-hand combat. One tried to sneak up behind Him, but He wasn't fooled - He simply dropped beneath the gunfire and launched a swivelling footsweep that brought the Iraqi down."
President Bush is claiming credit for the intervention of God in the conflict, with reports suggesting that he had 'prayed every night to God to bring home the troops safely' and the Almighty, despite protestations from France and Germany, had eventually offered to assist in any way He could.
And it's not just God who is providing reinforcement to Coalition forces. His son, Jesus Christ, has also been reported to be leading a special forces team deep in the heart of Iraq.
"Obviously, we can't provide specific details on activities involving our special forces," said Lieutenant Colonel Mark Riddell. "But let's just say that it's nice to have Our Saviour working alongside us on this one. His tactical acumen in armed reconnaissance missions is without peer."
Unconfirmed reports also suggest that The Holy Ghost has been involved in a number of running battles with members of the elite Republican Guard.
But there are sceptics. Zainab Rasul Ali, an Iraqi bankruptcy lawyer, speaking on Arabic television station Al-Jazeera, has disputed the alleged assistance of the Holy Trinity in the combat. "I saw this supposed 'God' and, to me, it looked to be nothing more than a marine in a white frock. I'm not saying he wasn't a fine combatant - indeed, he was - but I'm rather sure he wasn't some all-powerful being. And let's get serious -why would any deity get involved in hand-to-hand fighting with theme park animals?"
Stung by this criticism, a US spokesman has released a number of photographs of The Virgin Mary involved in a sortie on the outskirts of Baghdad. "Some may say this looks like a dust storm," said spokesman Mark Wahlberg. "But we've consulted expert Virgin Mary watchers with decades of experience in spotting the Mother of Christ in places as diverse as bagels, fence palings and Susan Sarandon - and they unanimously agree that this dust storm is her."
In related news, the US military is reported to be considering the use of a new weapon that will 'end the war immediately' if required. No further details are currently available, but the US Navy has reportedly moved into position several of its finest fleets of arks.
-- Back to News Headlines
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