NEWS
Score: 7.2 / 10 
Nicole Kidman in Cancer Scare
Filed: Saturday, July 19, 2003
Nicole Kidman, Oscar-winning superstar of Batman Forever, is recovering from a horrifying brush with cancer. Kidman, once married to Penelope Cruz, noticed a strange lump during a routine personality check and immediately feared the worst.
"I was in the shower," revealed the betowelled redhead, "Just checking everything out when it suddenly occurred to me that rather than being a raconteur with a sharp wit and excellent powers of observation like a normal Gemini, I had a tendency towards sensitivity and a certain emotional moodiness - both sure signs of Cancer. Naturally I consulted my astrologer immediately."
Dr Ben Affleck immediately gave a complete horoscopic examination and lice check before declaring her in "tip top Zodiacal shape".
"It's always a worry for Nicole because she's right on the cusp there, but everything looks fine. No Cancer," revealed Dr Affleck. "Unfortunately, I can't say the same for Spiderman megastar Tobey Maguire," he added, in a gross violation of astrologer-patient privilege.
In related news, Professor Charlize Theron has reassured Tom Berenger for "the zillionth time" that he does not have TB.
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