MISCELLANY
Score: 7 / 10 
Mortar and Pestle
Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger* as Jack Mortar and Winona Ryder* as Linda Pestle. With the late John Candy* as the Evil Mr. Creep.
She was sex, he was brawn. She was intelligence, he was violence. She was funny, he was large.
Together, they are MORTAR AND PESTLE
* pending the court case, A. Schwarzenegger, Winona Ryder, Estate of John Candy vs. 'MORTAR AND PESTLE'
Synopsis
Meet Jack Mortar. He's bursting with testosterone and pulsating with power. Sneering dismissively at fear, he confronts the forces of naughtiness with a stout heart and functioning liver. With pectorals larger than your average Hyundai and groin muscles more powerful than a well-constructed threshing machine, he fears nobody, not even the Evil Mr. Creep.
Only one woman could tame Jack Mortar - Linda Pestle. As beautiful as she is well-groomed, Linda outwits the insidious criminal powers which threaten to overrun the world with their own special brand of mischief. Her designer gowns and inexpensive but functional makeup cannot disguise the power of her thighs or her perfectly rounded breasts and Linda has no qualms about using her sexual wonderfulness when necessity calls upon it.
Rallying together as the most indomitable partnership of them all, Mortar and Pestle use their manifold skills to destroy badness with loud explosions, powerful machine guns, out of control flamethrowers, well-placed bombs, astonishingly sharp flick-knives and sizzling sexual deeds.
They are the way of the future. They are the force of a new generation. They are cross with the world and intend to rectify the injustices that beset the pathetic, odd, little people who are so easily trampled upon by nastiness and wickedness. Using their biceps, cleverness and unbridled sexual passion, they have easily succeeded in their strange little quest. Until now...
Against them now stands the Evil Mr. Creep. Scarred at birth by an acid-carrying obstetrician, his rascality knows no bounds and he plans to destroy Mortar and Pestle with the most dreaded weapon of them all - the Trepidation Bomb. Can Mortar and Pestle outwit, outmuscle and just plain out the Evil Mr. Creep?
Racing against time, sprinting against the clock, dashing against the stopwatch, Mortar and Pestle call upon their near-infinite prowess in destruction and sex in their desperate and strangely erotic bid to defeat the Evil Mr. Creep. The tenseness, action, sex, explosions, car chases, swearing, lawn bowls skills and outright thrills, excitement and kinky pleasure make this the must-see movie of this or any other decade.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is Jack Mortar, Winona Ryder is Linda Pestle. And the late John Candy provides a tremendous tour de force as the Evil Mr. Creep. Directed by Ivan Reitman, this movie offers more than any other. With a death count well into triple figures and judicious placement of breasts, 'MORTAR AND PESTLE' looks certain to break every box office record there could ever be.
Never before has so much appeared on a single movie screen. Never again will such a film be available for your eyes to gawk at. With delightful cameos from Burt Reynolds, Cindy Crawford, Michael J. Fox, Tom Hanks, Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, Bruce Willis, Demi Moore, Sean Penn, Madonna, Kitty Wittgenstein, Lassie, Cher, and introducing Billy Joel as Reggie the Squirrel, 'MORTAR AND PESTLE' has everything you've been searching for.
Highlights
Deadly mayhem and horrendous explosive devices have never been so much fun. Here is just a sample of some of the dynamically charged scenes you will witness (scenes excerpted from the novel by Salman Rushdie:
"Please, Jack. Don't kill him," wailed Linda, her mighty breasts heaving with self-righteous anger and undisguised excitement. "He doesn't know what he's doing. He doesn't understand that by running drugs for the Evil Mr. Creep he's potentially undermining the very fabric of society that binds us all as one and allows us to kill small, harmless animals without fear of persecution.".....
Explosions raining all around him, Jack Mortar, muscles rippling and shirt torn asunder, hurled himself majestically into his Porsche. With bullets flying past his ears and Linda Pestle desperately trying to defuse the incendiary device that had been placed on the windscreen of the machine, he smirked angrily. Screaming with terror and with her juicy lips wetter and fuller than ever, Linda hurled the device from the car, the explosion driving the car off the edge of the precipice of doom.....
"Surely, not even you are so insane," boomed Jack Mortar to the Evil Mr. Creep. "Not even you could be so bonkers as to tear asunder all that you have created in a futile bid to destroy the two of us....But, obviously you are." He scowled, angrily, his mighty biceps bulging with fury, snot dribbling from the torn sides of his nose.....
"Touch me, there," moaned Linda Pestle, her long legs writhing out of control as her lust for Jack Mortar grew without limit, uncontrollably. With a crazed grunt of desire, Jack obeyed, his mighty arms embracing her softly rounded buttocks, his mighty tongue probing deeper, ever deeper.....
Linda Pestle smiled at the guard who blocked her path. "Oh my," she said, coyly. "I seem to have torn my dress." As the guard peered in for a closer look at her exposed breast, the mighty Jack Mortar leapt from behind a nearby bush, tackling the hapless guard into submission and pummeling his face into an unrecognisable, bloody pulp that not even his mother could love.....
Excitement, action, romance, passion, dentistry, sex, quantum physics and much, much more.
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