MISCELLANY
Score: 7.1 / 10 
Why I Will Soon Be Rich
Today is a fantastic day. I can scarcely believe my luck. I received via email not one, but two letters that look like setting me up for life. One came from Prince Zak Tubman, apparently a grandson of the former President of Liberia and another from Dr Macauley Okolik, a government official in 'the Africa regions'.
Both of these gentlemen have millions of dollars and both of them have somehow found me to help them! And they both plan to reward me handsomely for it. This is clearly the greatest day of my life.
Here's the letter from Prince Tubman along with my response. I thought I'd reply to him first, because he is royalty. But I want to make sure I've got my response just right. This is too important to muck about with!
Prince Tubman's Letter
> Dear Friend,
Thank you, my liege. I am honoured that an esteemed leader such as yourself considers me a friend.
> My letter might come to you as a surprise but I request you go through it patiently and understand why I decided to write without seeking for your formal permission.
Your letter did come as a surprise, and a pleasant one to boot! I have patiently gone through it and understand why you couldn't email me first for my formal permission to send me an email.
> My name is Prince Zak Tubman; I am a grand son of former President William Tubman (late). I work under the Former President of Liberia - Mr Charles Taylor as an under secretary.
I must confess that I am not familiar with the royal lineage of Liberia, but I am impressed that your great country allows Princes such as yourself to work as undersecretaries. I think it is vitally important in this day and age and hemisphere that monarchs retain 'the common touch'. And you certainly seem to have done so.
> I am writing this letter to you because of where we have found ourselves. You should remember that the government of Liberia under President Charles Taylor has been having problems with the United Nations.
I do remember that. I have been following the situation closely. Not as closely as I've been following the latest series of Survivor, but still... pretty closely. That United Nations alliance is a tough one to break, isn't it?
> few weeks ago, Mr Taylor and some members of his cabinet were indicted in the War crime tribunal in Sierra Leone. As if that is not enough, the bank account of Mr Taylor and some members of his cabinet have been frozen in Switzerland.
Bloody War Crime tribunals. When will they learn that international justice solves nothing!
> The asset of Liberian President incorporated with legal aid application by the UN WAR CRIME TRIBUNAL in Sierra Leone amount to 2.37billion Swiss francs or 1.54 billion euros. The tribunal indicted Taylor of financial and military sponsor of two rebel groups in Sierra Leone while receiving raw diamonds, which he sold and invested the profit in several countries including Switzerland. Right now, because of this, indictment is hanging on the neck of Mr. Taylor and some other government officials.
> It is difficult for the innocent officials to operate bank accounts and invest in any business.
I can certainly sympathise. My bank can be very unreliable also. And it never has enough tellers!! Wake up, banks!!
> So I want to solicit for your help as a foreign partner to move our funds in The Netherlands. I need your help because of this stigma that has been placed on my senior colleagues.
Stigmas suck, don't they?? I had a stigma placed on me once by Garth Brooks. It took me days to get rid of it.
> Also I am soliciting for your help because I do not know when this whole investigation will be over. What we have collectively in The Netherlands is $18 Million united state dollars. If you can successfully help us to move all to safety, into your account, we promise to give you 15% and any investment we make, with the remaining amount, we shall allocate 10% to you and I have set aside 5% of the total amount for any expenses incurred during the process of this transaction.
Your highness, you certainly have a head for figures, if I may say. No wonder you have risen to be Undersecretary to Mr Charles Taylor.
> This transaction is risk free because this is not drug money
Phew! I'm glad you don't condone drug usage, your worship. I've seen too many monarchs brought undone by their love of the giggle weed.
> and we have documents to prove it.
I don't need to see the documents. Your word is good enough for me. I have a strong sense about these things and I sense that you're a straight shooter!
> Please treat this request with the utmost secrecy it deserves even if you are not willing to help.
I will be posting it on my web site, but that shouldn't be a problem, because it's a very unpopular web site, visited only by drunkards and hellcats.
> Let me have your private telephone, fax and address so that I can be able to contact you to discuss the modalities of this transaction.
Consider them given, Prince Tubman. I look forward to hearing from you and discussing modalities.
> Thanks,
>Prince Zak Tubman.
You're more than completely welcome.
Love and kisses,
-- Back to Miscellany
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