MISCELLANY
Score: 7 / 10 
The Top Ten Kickers of Butt You Want On Your Side When Things Go Pear-Shaped
Situation: Bad stuff is going down. Villainous villainy has initiated a world-wide crisis situation! You can choose one fictional hero from television or movies to sort the mess out. Who would it be?
Which Butt-Kicker Are You? Take the test and find out.
Rules:
- Fictional heroes only. Let's face it, no real person is going to stand up to the required standards.
- Humans only. Let's leave Superman out of this one. In fact, let's leave super-abilities in general off the list. A good rule of thumb: could these characters possibly live in the real world? If they can, they're eligible. If they couldn't, then nope. Sorry Buffy. (Thanks to Ilia for clarifying the 'Buffy' situation.)
- A track record helps here. Multiple instances of sorting it out should earn you more points than a one-off heroic deed.
- That's all.
So, without further time-wasting, here's the list as it stands.
- Lex Luthor (159)
A controversial choice, but let's face it - the only person who seems able to keep the Luthor lad under any kind of control is a ridiculously overpowered Kryptonian. In any situation lacking Mr Kent, you'd rather have the bald fella in your corner than out of it. Sure, there's the evil to consider, too. But we're pragmatists, not moralists.- Aragorn (142)
Call him 'Aragorn', call him 'Strider', call him 'That guy who hangs out with Legolas'. Whatever you want to call him, he's the man all of Middle Earth turns to in their darkest hour. Sure, he's dirty. Sure, he's unshaven. But he's Ara-freaking-gorn! And he's going to get the job damn well done.- Batman (137)
Whether he's doing the Batusi, wearing a costume with nipples or dutifully ignoring Kate Holmes-Cruise, any version of the Dark Knight Detective is somebody you want on your team.- Sayid Jarrah (129)
There's a few folks on that damn Lost island who have their uses. The Doc. The bald guy. The hot chick. But none compare with former Iraqi soldier Sayid when it comes to all-round situation-resolving skills. He builds radios, he plays with dynamite, he tortures Sawyer. If you're going to crash on an island, make sure he's with you.- Han Solo (124)
While Obi-Wan, Anakin and Luke are all out there, using The Force, rendering themselves ineligible for this prestigious award, Captain Solo is working behind the scenes, saving Luke's butt more often than you'd think necessary for a Jedi. Also, he hangs out with a Wookiee. And, sorry George, but he did shoot Greedo first.- Indiana Jones (123)
Dr Jones. Archaeologist. Adventurer. Snake-hater. Singlehandedly keeping Nazis at bay since 1981. If Nazis hate you, you know you've gotta be good.- The Bride (121)
Plonk a sword in the hands of this little lady, step back and watch your problems disappear. It's The Bride from Kill Bill. A vengeance-seeking machine unafraid to unleash the worst kinds of carnage - ie a bright yellow jumpsuit.- Ellen Ripley (119)
She's the alien-fightin'est dame you ever did see. When there are aliens leaping out of people's stomachs all over the place, Ms Ellen Ripley will sort those creepazoids out. So tough, that it took a freakin' Predator to match her (Alien vs Predator)- John McClane (113)
The human cockroach from Die Hard. If you are causing trouble, he will hunt you down and stop you. And you can't stop him. He's inde-freaking-structible. Yippee Ki Yay!- Alan 'Dutch' Schaefer (113)
You could plonk any number of Arnie's characters into a butt-kicker's list and have them do you proud. But one stands out above all others. No, not the Kindergarten Cop. No, not Pregnant Arnie from Junior. We're talking about Alan 'Dutch' Schaefer. The man who, armed only with his ludicrous biceps and one-liners, took on a Predator and kicked his ugly butt.
Your favourite not here? Try the next best kickers of butt.
What's with the numbers in brackets? They're the current score of the contestants in question. You can help keep the scores sane by answering the following simple question:
When things go seriously life-threateningly wrong in your neighbourhood, who would you rather see show up?
Batman
Caped Crusader
or
Ethan Hunt
Mission Impossible Man
(click the head of your preferred saver of day)
Obviously, I don't know everything. I am not, after all, Leo Sayer. So I'm sure deserving candidates have been left off this list. If you know of some butt-kickin' world-savin' type who should be on this list, contact me with their details and we'll see if they make the cut when next this page is updated.
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