Dan Liebke’s Astonishing Tales

In the Post Office attempting to post a CD, I got stuck behind some Stamp Numpty at the Post Office who was buying some new stamps for their collection.

Stamp collecting??? If there were ever a bigger waste of time I’ve not experienced it. I know stamp collectors would be insulted by that statement, but then I’m sure they’ve never had to stand behind themselves in a queue at the Post Office (I realize that it is not physically possible to stand behind yourself but I’m hoping that this statement may inspire all the stamp collectors of the world to try).

All you want to do is buy one bloody stamp and you get stuck behind some numpty who is doing their best to purchase every stamp in the post office in every possible booklet or set imaginable. In of itself, this can be frustrating but stamp collectors can never buy their stamps in an efficient manner. They have to decide after they get to the counter what they want. This involves post office employees rummaging through boxes full of stamps to find just the right booklet only to discover that it’s no good because those stamps have a picture of the Queen in a blue gown and I didn’t really like the Queen in a blue gown and do you have any of her in a lighter floral arrangement and ohhhhh… Not that sort of floral. I really like her in dresses with petunias on them and, no, not those ones because whilst that dress does have petunias on it, Camilla is on that stamp and I’ve never really liked Camilla because she’s no replacement for Lady Diana and that reminds me, do you have any of the commemorative Diana coins? No, not that coin, I meant the one where she was wearing the blue dress because Diana always looked good in blue, it brought out the colour of her eyes and have you found any of the Queen without Camilla yet? Oh, they’re nice, but can I get them in a booklet with six stamps? Oh, you only have booklets of eight, well, that’s not going to work because I have the official Post Office stamp collectors album and whilst it allows for booklets of eight I usually prefer booklets of six because then it leaves space for me to write some interesting information about the stamps and where I bought them from and who served me and that reminds me, what is your name? Margaret, don’t really like the name Margaret, can I call you Maggie? Kind of like Maggie Thatcher, which reminds me do you have any of the commemorative thimbles of Maggie Thatcher, oh, I don’t like those at all…..

And so on and so on.

Now, I’ll admit I had a stamp collection when I was about ten years old but at the age of eleven I made a very important discovery. Stamp collecting was for losers (apologies to stamp collectors everywhere, I really do mean no offense by that statement).

I don’t have a problem with collecting things in general but what I really struggle with is the ease with which somebody can “collect” stamps. You just walk into a shop and buy them. I mean, if you had to climb a mountain or wrestle an alligator or swim the Atlantic Ocean to find your stamps that would be one thing, but this whole business of just buying them and placing them in an album just seems pointless.Butterfly collectors at least have to use nets and things and then painstakingly (and somewhat cruelly) mount them into frames. Butterfly collecting is also sad but for a completely different reason (which I won’t bore you with here).

But wait… Maybe I have this all wrong. Maybe the real thrill of stamp collecting is the art of annoying people at the Post Office. Maybe it’s not about the stamps at all. The real joy is keeping people standing impatiently behind you in a queue for the better part of an hour whilst you prattle on about the inane and completely pointless world of stamps.It’s all about the adrenaline rush you get when you finally make your purchase (of no more than one stamp) and then turn around to find an angry horde of people glaring at you as you smile politely, completely oblivious to their thoughts of how they would like to end your life.

Actually, that kind of sounds like fun. I wonder if I still have that old stamp album at home…

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