THE DAWSON FILES
Who Do We Hope Dies?
FINAL TALLY
| Character | Points |
| Dunstan | 22 |
| Chipmunk Face | 21 |
| Crazy Audrey | 20 |
| Ah Joey | 14 |
| Dimplestruck Barman | 10 |
| Paceman | 10 |
| Professor Hold-A-Grudge | 6 |
| British Drum Machine | 5 |
| Gay Jack | 4 |
| Paceman's Goatee* | 4 |
| Counsellor Studmuffin | 3 |
| Grams | 3 |
| Jack Osbourne | 3 |
| British Director | 2 |
| Tempestuous Actress | 1 |
| Patrick Bateman | 1 |
| The All-New Ashton Kutcher | 1 |
| *Note: Paceman's Goatee died in Episode 15 and is hence ineligible to win | |
EXPLANATION
In the final episode of Dawson's Creek, one of the characters died. The question was not so much 'who dies in the last episode?' as 'who did we want to die in the last episode?'
To this end, throughout each episode of Series 6 of The Dawson Files the characters were scored on a 3-2-1 basis.
At the end of the season, we had a winner and the winner was Dunstan!! Was Dunstan the one who actually died? Did the writers listen to this web site? Answer: Of course not, as the finale had already been filmed and aired in the US before this site made its final tally. Still, fun, wasn't it?
VOTES BY EPISODE
- Crazy Audrey, 3 points - you will bonk anything
- British Director, 2 points - as will you
- Dunstan, 1 point - the weenie wins!!
- Chipmunk Face, 3 points - poor old Gay Jack. For the love of all that is pure and good, let the poor guy go free
- Gay Jack, 2 points - show some backbone lad. You can escape. You're bigger and buffer than her
- Jack Osbourne, 1 point - go sniff your own underwear
- Paceman, 3 points - did you know anything at all about investing?
- Ah Joey, 2 points - how many times does Dimplestruck Barman have to walk out on you before you get it?
- Dunstan, 1 point - you trusted Paceman with your money?? You damn fool, Dunstan
- Grams, 3 points - don't let Paceman near your drugs
- Paceman, 2 points - don't ever direct again
- Dimplestruck Barman, 1 point - I heard you making fun of BH90210 again. Sure it was just a shot at Ian Ziering (Steve Sanders), so it was more funny than insulting. But still... you've been warned before
- Ah Joey, 3 points - Dimplestruck Barman over Paceman? Are you sure??
- Dunstan, 2 points - come on Dunstan, how hard can it be to write a screenplay about you lot? The lame-ass writers do it every week
- Chipmunk Face, 1 point - seriously... the haircut
- Chipmunk Face, 3 points - it's much too late to be dropping the whole 'slut' thing
- Dunstan, 2 points - do you want to direct movies or not?
- Dimplestruck Barman, 1 point - too late, my friend
- Professor Hold-A-Grudge, 3 points - what kind of father are you?
- Dunstan, 2 points - nobody wants to hear about your sexual exploits
- Ah Joey, 1 point - next time, why not tell Professor Hold-A-Grudge where he can stick his irritating daughter?
- Paceman's Goatee, 3 points - hurrah, you're dead!
- Paceman, 2 points - I don't believe you even thought about forgoing an Ah Joey tongue-kiss
- Ah Joey, 1 point - ummm... you were the only one left
- Crazy Audrey, 3 points - you're not kooky, you're not zany, you're sure as heck not entertaining. Why are you still here? For the love of God, please die!
- British Drum Machine, 2 points - just marry the gay guy, lady
- Dunstan, 1 point - if you stopped paying attention to Crazy Audrey, she'd probably go away
- Crazy Audrey, 3 points - god you're horrible
- Chipmunk Face, 2 points - and you're not much better
- Dimplestruck Barman, 1 point - I heard you making fun of Beverly Hills, 90210. I've said it before and I'll say it again. 90210-mockery is just not on.
- Chipmunk Face, 3 points - a haircut won't cut it, Chipmunk Face
- Paceman, 2 points - you're going to fall into Patrick Bateman's byzantine trap if you don't look out
- Dunstan, 1 point - it's your show, Dunstan. How about putting in at least five minutes?
- Dimplestruck Barman, 3 points - don't abandon Ah Joey, you damn fool
- Ah Joey, 2 points - oh, and Ah Joey, if he doesn't want you, give him away, girl
- Jack Osbourne, 1 point - stay on your own show, you twit
- Chipmunk Face, 3 points - fight for your turf, little chipmunk
- Dimplestruck Barman, 2 points - man, when Ah Joey's dad looks down on you, you're in a bad way
- Gay Jack, 1 point - come back and direct again
- Dunstan, 3 points - just 'cause you're Dunstan
- Ah Joey, 2 points - I know Dimplestruck Barman's hot and all, but you could have always shagged him after your exam
- The All-New Ashton Kutcher, 1 point - get a haircut
- Counsellor Studmuffin, 3 points - dumb, dumb, dumb
- Dunstan, 2 points - read your tickets before you go, Dunstan. Really
- Ah Joey, 1 point - and remember the tickets in the first place
- Crazy Audrey, 3 points - stop singing, stop ragging on Ah Joey
- Dimplestruck Barman, 2 points - you too, DB - not the singing bit, the ragging on Ah Joey bit
- Patrick Bateman, 1 point - let Paceman buy his own hookers
- Chipmunk Face, 3 points - crush her, Counsellor Studmuffin
- Dunstan, 2 points - lame subplot, Dunstan
- Tempestuous Actress, 1 point - ew, you're sleeping with Dunstan
- BDM, 3 points - don't ever let Crazy Audrey sing again
- Crazy Audrey, 2 points - don't ever sing again
- Gay Jack, 1 point - put out for your teacher, dude. He wants you
- Crazy Audrey, 3 points - just get off my TV, Crazy Audrey
- Gay Jack, 2 points - time to walk the walk, Gay Jack
- Chipmunk Face, 1 point - now she's going to start shagging a counsellor. Grow up, Chipmunk Face
- Professor Hold-A-Grudge, 3 points - boy, he really can hold a grudge.
- Ah Joey, 2 points - disable that 'spam the internet' button already
- Paceman, 1 point - stop sleeping with Crazy Audrey. It's gross and unnecessary
- Dunstan, 3 points - dumped by Ah Joey again!
- Chipmunk Face, 2 points - sprouting her usual rambling nonsense until you just want to smash her in the throat
- Paceman's Goatee, 1 point - enough already, Paceman. You look silly.
- Crazy Audrey, 3 points - heck, even Paceman is beginning to be annoyed by her
- Dunstan, 2 points - funny, when he was being mean to Ah Joey... but quickly reverted to his sooooooul maaaaaaates gibberish
- Jack Osbourne, 1 point - a pointless cameo that was so pointless I forgot about it. Also, I didn't recognise him (so I don't watch the Osbournes. So sue me), rendering his cameo appearance even more pointless
