THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 6
Score: 7.2 / 10 
9: The Greatest Director Of Them All
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
We open with a new Star Actor showing up on set to rescue Dunstan's lame movie from the idiotic shambles it is inevitably becoming. He looks like a kind of demented Ashton Kutcher (ie he looks like Ashton Kutcher). Tempestuous Actress comes over all Demi Moore and goes giddy for him. Dunstan frowns.
"He has volunteered to clean toilets and buy her a dress (or perhaps clean dresses and buy her a toilet) ..."
Meanwhile, Paceman has somehow tricked British Drum Machine into being his date for the office Christmas party. He has volunteered to clean toilets and buy her a dress (or perhaps clean dresses and buy her a toilet) in order to get her to come along.
And, of course, the only place in all of Boston (quaint and totalitarian small town that it is) where Ah Joey can study for her final exam is in the bed of Dimplestruck Barman. One might think this will lead to sexual shenanigans and the like, and one would be right. She studies and falls asleep before he comes home from work. The next morning, however, DB calls Ah Joey 'Tiger' and is rewarded with a kiss. It is then revealed that he is an ice dancer with a certain 'masculine grace'. And he gets another kiss. At this stage, I'm pretty sure DB could confess to setting fire to puppies and he'd get an Ah Joey kiss. DB is lookin' rock solid. So rock solid that Ah Joey shags him silly.
Poor old Dunstan. Poor old Paceman. Both had to work for years and years to gain access to Ah Joey's naughty bits. Dimplestruck Barman just has to have a few episodes of quippery. Kudos to him.
Of course, the shag results in Ah Joey being late for her exam. They drive like crazy people (well, DB drives. Ah Joey just looks cute and flustered) and Ah Joey arrives with thirty minutes to go in the exam.
Back at the film set and Tempestuous Actress and the All-New Ashton Kutcher are talking. Dunstan, through the aid of technical movie type wizardry, can hear them.
"I don't think your boyfriend liked us grinding like farm animals in that scene," says All-New Ashton.
"Oh, I don't have a boyfriend," says TA.
Hehehe. Dunstan is hurt. Hehehe.
Ah Joey shows up at Professor Hold-A-Grudge's house to complain about the test and how it wasn't her fault that she was happily entwined in DB's arms and missed the opening two and a half hours of it. Professor Hold-A-Grudge says that she may have failed the final exam but overall she just scraped through on the course. So that's okay then.
"But surely I could take a make-up test," says Ah Joey. And unleashes a level 8 dimple blast.
"Oh, I don't think so," says Professor Hold-A-Grudge.
"Why are you so vindictive?" asks Ah Joey.
"What is my name?" says Professor Hold-A-Grudge. Really, Ah Joey.
Over to the office party and Patrick Bateman is showing off his latest wench (in her pre-butchered state, obviously). BDM shows up, dressed scraggily and Paceman takes her outside for a dressing-down. BDM, however, makes him loosen up by making fun of Patrick Bateman. Then she goes 'to the loo'. While in the loo some other horrid girls tell her that the party is a competition - the hottest chick at the party wins $1000. So it's kind of like a Miss America pageant. Or, um, the Spice Girls.
Back at the bar and Ah Joey and DB have broken out into full-scale squabble mode. Ah Joey is regretting their shag and DB is, well, not so much. "Hey," he says. "Why don't we do it again?" Ah Joey glowers furiously. "Um, tiger?" tries DB. Doesn't work.
"... DB is left with no choice but to punch Hold-A-Grudge in the nose."
But then Professor Hold-A-Grudge shows up to torture Ah Joey. He taunts her rather mercilessly (he claims to know a girl that is cuter than her) so Ah Joey storms off, furious. DB tries to go to her rescue, so Professor Hold-A-Grudge starts taunting him. Eventually, DB is left with no choice but to punch Hold-A-Grudge in the nose. Boy, you can be sure he's not going to ever forgive that.
"I've got an idea to take our minds off this," says Dimplestruck Barman, after he's fired.
Ah Joey looks at him, hopefully.
"No, not that, dirty girl," says DB.
Oh, thinks Ah Joey. Coises.
By this point, Paceman has arrived home to confront BDM, who left the party early.
"Did I win?" asks BDM.
"Of course not," says Paceman. "There were lots of hotter girls than you. Oops. Um, win what?" Realising he's bollocksed the whole thing up, he switches into smooth mode. "Or were there???" he says, rubbing his goatee curiously. "Maybe you were the hottest!" and they start pashing furiously!
But are forced to stop when Gay Jack (who, BTW, has directed this episode) comes home. Actually, given that this episode has shown a remarkable lack of both Chipmunk Face and Crazy Audrey, I hereby nominate Gay Jack for a Golden Globe for Best Direction in a Teen Soap Well Past Its Peak. I figure he's a shoo-in.
And then we cut back to Ah Joey and DB who are ice skating. Ah Joey makes fun of DB's masculine grace, but he figures as long as she's not making fun of his ice-shrunk johnson, all is okay.
And that's where we end. Dunstan decides to forgive TA's dalliance with the All-New Ashton Kutcher because, hey, who else is going to bonk him?
All in all, I give this episode an A plus. It passes majestically (thanks to the inspired direction of Gay Jack), but only because it showed up on time and wasn't lazing about in bed all morning with Dimplestruck Barman. Let's hope Gay Jack directs again tomorrow and we have a similarly successful show.
The One I Most Want To Die This Episode: Nobody really. Um, maybe Dunstan? Just cause he's such a loser.
Begone,
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